Balabanto

Re: Brother From Another Mother Most of my PC's would actually sit down and have a discussion with the character about respect and the nature of heroism. And god forbid I was playing the team leader, because that PC would be off the team! You do NOT, under any circumstances, exploit your fellow heroes for personal gain. That is unacceptable.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group... My Monday night Rifts game has acquired a bizarre analogy: Josie and the Pussycats. Yeah. That's right. Every single character in the game is analogous to a member of Josie and the Pussycats. Rex, the Buff Dogboy: Rex is Alan. He gets along well with everyone, and Callie has a crush on him, sort of. Owns the group's APC. Callie, AKA Lady Ileana Silvano, Knight of the White Rose: Callie is Josie. She's the 'nominal leader' as opposed to Rex, who appears to be the leader and owns the group's APC. Constantly using Bethesda Works to acquire TW items for the group, and takes nothing in exchange except the price of the item. If I were one of these other PC's, I would be suspicious of this character, but apparently not. What the (Bleep) does she want them to do when she calls those favors in? Alexander, The Tattooed Man: Alexander is Alexandra. He constantly tries to get the group to go to Arzno or Ciudad Juarez and fight vampires, even though the group is about as specced for this as swimsuits in Antarctica. Mindy, The Dragon Juicer: Mindy is Melody. Mindy is a bubble headed, Aberrant Evil Dragon Juicer who enjoys destruction, her chainsaw collection, and teasing Callie, who pretends to be a lapsed catholic in addition to an evil Mystic Knight. (Hey, it's the perfect fake religion. I do bad things, I confess them away, say my hail marys, and I'm fine again.) Emerald, the Gurgoyle Psi-Warrior: Emerald is Valerie, the tech head, practical mechanic. She doesn't like BS, is genuinely nice to everyone, and comes up with decent plans. Fang, the Dragon Wolf Mind Melter: Fang is Alexander. He's kind of bumbling, gets himself noticed at the wrong times, and likes to think he's sneakier than he is. Neat, Sweet, a Groovy Song, everybody come along... The worst part is, looking back at their adventures (A journey to Biggtown, a town of Brodkill, Black Winged Monster Men, etc, where they robbed a safe and gave a pre-rifts wedding dress to a Spider Demon, the infamous "Golden Toilet" adventure, which will live forever, saving a small town from "Doc Rebo" and his army of unwilling MOM implant converts (One of the C'ro Demon Mage's many evil schemes), and conning an Ogre into revealing his plan to murder a group of Bartenders in Kingsdale.)...yeah. They kinda are like Josie and the Pussycats, aren't they? Well, this week, the PC's discovered that they were under surveillance. Through a complicated series of investigations, they discovered what bar their surveillance guy was hanging out at. Two of the PC's opted for the "Feminine" approach. The KOTWR and the Dragon Juicer dressed up in hot outfits and figured they would lure him back to the APC for a little "action" and then interrogate him. Keep in mind, the KOTWR is dressed as a dominatrix the whole time, courtesy of the Dragon Juicer's pranky fashion sense. Other PC's notice them doing this and stay hidden and then cluster around the APC. Well, they got him in there and then the Dragon Juicer grabbed him. A nasty semi-seductive scene ensued where she held him, he kicked and struggled, and the KOTWR pointed a TW wood railgun at his knee and said "You won't be needing those when she's through with you, and I'm not taking my turn until she's done." (At this point, heavy metal boom-chicka-wow-wow type music starts blasting from the APC...) Meanwhile, outside, the other characters are having an argument about what to do. Emerald (Gurgoyle Psi-Warrior, PB 7): Can I go in there? Rex: No! You don't want to see what's going on in there. Alexander: It probably really is that bad. Fang (Dragon Wolf Mind Melter): (Using mental powers to SEE what's going on in there.) It really IS that bad. Emerald (Taking off her clothes...keep in mind, PB 7): Oh, come on, it'll be great! Me: Rex, make a horror factor save. Now! I mean right now! A stripping Gurgoyle is just nasty. Rex: (Making the save) Oh, GOD! Put it back on! Emerald (Only putting on a thong): Is this good? Fang: God, no! Alexander: Noooooooooooo.... Rex: I guess now is good. (At this point, Callie threatens the guy's knees with the wood railgun. Rex opens the door) Emerald: (Stepping in wearing a thong) Hey guys, is my new toy ready yet? Mindy and Callie make their horror factor saves. The poor shlub rolls a one, fails his insanity save and gains fear of Gurgoyles. Mindy: Ohh, ick. Callie: You guys have ruined EVERYTHING! I can't get laid EVER! EVER! After that, the NPC totally spilled the beans. But it was funny as all get out. Is this a Josie and the Pussycats story? You betcha! "Neat, sweet, a groovy song, See a Gurgoyle in a thong..."

Re: What would be your take on She-Grond? I would make her super smart and super angry. And the madder she gets, the smarter she gets. AND HER CRANIUM GETS BIGGER!

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group... In my EU Interpol Attached Superhero Game, the heroes encountered a group of Russian Mercenaries dumping radioactive whale chunks into a lake in Hungary. (And yes, I could not get "Oh, no, Adrian! Reds are polluting the city lake! What are we gonna doo...oo...oooo?" Out of my head) The PC's knocked one of the mercenaries into the lake, and he became a psionically aware mutant with links to the now semi-sentient whale biomass. They escaped, and after a long investigation, it led back to the head of this Russian Fishing Fleet company who was allowing people (Or paying for people, they still don't know) to use his whaling trawler for experiments on these whales. One of the PC's is Nordenhaav, a Danish superhero who is extremely environmental. So, in the final battle when the Fishing Magnate is there for a business conference, the PC's are picking him up at the airport. The villain mind controls Nordenhaav to kill this guy. Nordenhaav becomes enraged at the polluter on an 8-, making the Mind Control almost impossible to snap. After a long battle, Nordenhaav blasts the Fishing Magnate near to death, and finally makes his ego roll when he realizes that the fishing magnate is about to die. He turns and raises his hand to the villain. "Damn you! How dare you make me do this!" The villain, Whalesinger, responded thusly. "I only made you do what you wanted. You have no one to blame but yourself." A hushed silence followed as Nordenhaav blasted the villain into unconsciousness. After the battle, Nordenhaav turned himself in to the other PCs and the police, saying "Arrest me." The session ended with the villain and his biomass ally being dragged off in vans, along with Nordenhaav, sirens wailing. I have to reward this player somehow. He's pretty much going to lose his character for good roleplaying and manning up. He looked me straight in the eye and said "I don't begrudge you this. The villain was RIGHT! And Nordenhaav knew it."

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group... Today in Super Powered Research and Investigation Teams! Dr. Quetzalcoatl has escaped from jail, and our heroes are hot on his tail. They track him to his base on the highest mountain overlooking Lake Titicaca (Yes, I know, it's a lake filled with boobs and poop). So they're flying in with their jet, and I have people make their perception rolls. El Caminante (Afraid of Flying): No way! I'm not looking out the window. Tulpa (Afraid of being above the mountains, he's a sherpa): Me, Too! Lady Mondegreen: What's that funny noise? It sounds like an electric, grinding hum. And there's some metal down there! Phantom Strike: Yeah. (Imagine that in engrish) Cloud Warrior: I see something. Veneaza: There's a big metal thing down there. Cloud Warrior: That's not a "Thing!" That's a railgun! BANG! So the railgun blows their jet out of the sky and they spiral downward while it shoots at them, after finally getting below the firing arc of the railgun, they have to scale the massive slope. So the PC's are trying to figure out how to scale the ice shelf, and Tulpa is like "Hey, I can climb this easily. Do we have any rope?" El Caminante: Yes! I have all this rope from my parachute. (Clearly, fortune favors the fearful, especially since he was flown down and didn't need to use it.) Phantom Strike: Yes, and I have ARROWS. (Keep in mind, this guy's a spirit samurai. His bow is readily obvious and accessable) Lady Mondegreen: You have arrows? (As if in disbelief.) Tulpa: We could use them as pitons. Cloud Warrior: Why don't we just tie the parachute rope TO the arrows? Tulpa: What if it can't penetrate the mountain? Cloud Warrior: He has more than one! We can fire a test shot! So that was how my PC's got up the mountain last night with their Sherpa and no mountain climbing gear to avoid the railgun. Unfortunately for them, Arrows are not invisible. So here's how the session ended. Tulpa: I crest the last rise. I am shrouded in white. He does need to make a perception roll. Me (Rolling a 3): You crawl over the lip of the last Ice Shelf and standing there is an agent commander of some sort with a weird looking Aztec techno-headdress and a suit of body armor. He points a funny looking gun at you and indicates the eight agents in similar gear and the four large Aztec-looking robots at the four points of the helipad. "Greetings, Tulpa! As you can see, we've been expecting you."

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group... None of this would have happened if he had agreed to do the task without keeping the wand in his possession, Bubba. There isn't a sane businessman in the world who would have given him the wand to complete his task with. He wanted the wand immediately. Only the biggest retard in the world lets a total stranger walk out of his shop with a priceless piece of merchandise and a down payment when he has no way of finding him.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group... No way! Feline Fury rules!

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group... The problem is that they're not in an area where governments and people are unbuyable. The main issue is that groups like this make enemies, and now they'll have more enemies. This guy doesn't keep the contract in his desk. He has to file it with the corrupt bureaucratic militaristic government, which they know is corrupt because they used it to beat the last adventure. So things will start small. A damaged starter motor on their vehicle, etc, just little things to keep them in town and delay them, and eat up time. We'll see how it goes. But usually, I like to ASK my fellow players before agreeing to risky contracts that bet their lives against an invisible clock. He signed first, and came through the door afterwards. He committed to an effective contract without telling his fellow adventurers. That has a tendancy to make people angry. Think of others, they think of you well.

Re: Quote of the Week from my gaming group... This is another Rifts story, but this one deserves particular special mention. I've been GMing games a long time, but NEVER, NEVER in all my born days have I seen anything like this. One of the PC's decides that he's going to motivate the group before they're done with training for skills and selling their loot. So he goes to the lizard man alchemist in Kingsdale and asks if he has a Millennium Tree Wand of Deception. I roll randomly, and the Lizard Man has one. He asks him how much it is. "650,000 credits and a service." So he says "Sure. What's the service?" Lizard Man: You must travel to the bayous of Lowesssssiana and acquire the following thingssss. The egg of a Giant Hunter Turtle, a chunk of rock from a pre-rifts gravestone, the eyes of a mutant crayfish, and a branch from a cypress tree. Dragon Wolf Mind Melter: Sure! Here's the 650,000 credits....can I have the wand now? Lizard Man: Our arrangement is not complete. Dragon Wolf Mind Melter: What do I have to do to get the wand now? Lizard Man: Sssign this agreement. It ssstates that you have fourteen weeksss to come up with my itemssss. (And yes, I did really slur all those "S" es) If you fail to produce them, this shop reserves the right to place a two million bounty on your head, pending it's ssseparatsshun from your sssshouldersss and the return of the wand. OOC: Now, at this point, most people usually get the idea that what they're about to do is REALLY DUMB! Dragon Wolf Mind Melter: Sure! (Signs it with a paw print) So, he goes back to the group, and he says "Guys, I got us a wand!" and throws it on the table. A discussion about how he got the wand ensues, during which time the actions he took are revealed. Now, the GMPC is a Knight of the White Rose pretending to be an evil mystic knight. In 20 years, I've never actively, as a character, encouraged the killing of a PC as a GMPC...until TODAY! She reasoned that it was more efficient to kill him, collect the two million credits, that are currently representing a colossal bounty on her head, wait the fourteen weeks and collect the money. The worst part is, this IS self defense. The other PC's actually had to hold her back from killing him. It was hilarious! So the PC's leader (A dogboy) gets the group a job collecting cypress roots in the swamp for money, which partially assuages the angry KOTWR, as well as the other characters. And now, of course, in addition to the dangers of the swamp, the coalition patrols, the necromancers, the vampires, and the undead mystic knights, ghosts, haunting entiities, zombies, and voodoo priests that inhabit the Bayou, we now have DOZENS of bounty hunters! The MOMENT this is filed with the office of the Kingsdale Mercenaries guild, some unscrupulous bastard will likely discover this and attempt to give them deadline blues. They're screwed...

Re: The Reason Behind Teleios The difference is that that's arranged between the player and the GM. And I run enough games where I can't afford to let a hole like that sit around. This is why I don't use the CU. I need to know where everything comes from, and god forbid the CU should come up with an answer that doesn't match what I did.

Re: Challange rating and balanced encounters It's much harder to do than that. Design philosophy has a lot to do with that. If your PC's all throw 10-12 dice, then an agent should throw around 8-9, and an agent leader, or specialized agent, should throw 10-12. An agent commander or agent base leader is probably an actual super villain. I have a unique problem regarding this. One of my players hates fighting mooks and minions. He always attacks the leader. He gets frustrated when fighting agents, especially tactically competent ones. So I'm fixing the problem. I'm going to build a villain who's a total loser other than the fact that he's greedy, charismatic, and makes great plans. His agents, on the other hand, will be 225 point horror stories. Hopefully, he'll be begging for mercy by the time phase 5 rolls around.

Re: The Reason Behind Teleios Teleios is a lousy villain, IMHO, because this isn't explained. If you require detailed backgrounds from your players, you can't expect to have a villain with a hole a mile wide in his origin like that. So here goes. Teleios is two people. The whole thing is a colossal mindscrew. He has a unique form of multiple personality disorder where the two lobes of his brain have become one, and the two "seemingly perfect" entities time-share in the psyche. While one personality sleeps, the other is awake, and Teleios is so demented that he doesn't realize that the one person he can't experiment on is himself, so his "Twin Mind" doesn't perceive there being more than one of him. Each Teleios 'helps' the other, sometimes wittingly, sometimes unwittingly, and it explains why he's totally insane. Teleios is created by Mechanon. I like this one a lot, because it explains everything. Mechanon needs to prove that inorganic things are superior. So he makes the best human he can, proves it to himself, and leaves.

Re: Dumbest Moment Ever in your games This is my worst D+D moment ever. I was DMing, and the PC's are hunting a really big white dragon. In ice caves, even. So they're fighting it, on the edge of an ice chasm, and one of the PC's says to me "I run up, leap, and land on the dragon's head." Ominous silence occurs for about a minute. One of my players, who's been with the group two sessions TOTAL says this. "Can you say...Scooby Snack?" Player: I take two called shots to the eyes. (Rolls two natural ones, and we all know what that means in D+D on a to hit roll) Me: So, oh, keeper of the initiatives, who goes next? Keeper: The Dragon. Me: (Rolling to hit with enlarged, hasted white dragon. This is second edition. The dragon did something like 2.7x it's base bite damage.) Dragon rolls to hit. Natural 20. Maximum damage. Rolls to hit with a claw. 20. Maximum Damage. 19 for other claw. That's it. So. The dragon flips you up into the air, catches you with his mouth and bites, shoving you through his teeth with his claws in a greedy grinding blender. The dragon belches. Next.... I have more stories, but you'll have to get me to tell them later.

Re: Watchmen: A GM's tale...or why we set campaign limits I've always liked hard caps better, as long as there's a kind of accepted fairness level. Unfortunately, my players sometimes complain to me that X or Y's character is too powerful. This makes for even more problems. Rule of X preserves shtick at the cost of the speed of combat. In a roleplaying situation, if one guy has SPD 8 and another guy has SPD 4, the SPD 8 guy is spending twice as much time describing his actions as the other people, while everyone else snoozes. The hard caps provide a tighter SPD range, usually 4-6 or 5-7, and make people feel like there's a little more equality between the players. If you want combat to go faster, use hard caps. If you want shtick to be preserved better, use Rule of X.

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Nick: And we're back, after this commercial break! You all done with that, Johnny? Johnny: (Testing Defender in a Jar's Structural Integrity) Yes, Nick, I think so. (Shaking hard) Defender in a Jar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Johnny! Stop shaking meeeee....eeee....eeee! Phase 3 Nick: Down in the ring, Black Harlequin and Punchinello are just getting to their feet after a massive display of blood and gore. Johnny: Looks like Black Harlequin's bleeding from the neck! I don't know how long he's got! Nick: Punchinello came away better from that exchange! Punchinello: Heh...your electrical joy buzzer field was-a no matcha for my Hammeragrinder! Bet you weren't expecting that! Old age and treachery always win! Black Harlequin: But youth and treachery will get the girls and kill you! (Black Harlequin smiles evilly) Punchinello withdraws another remote from his toybelt. Johnny: This doesn't look good, Nick! Nick: No, not for anyone! (Hides behind the announcers booth while Defender and Johnny watch in horror) Punchinello: "I think-a you'll like this one. Death by clowns!" He flicks the switch, and toy clowns burst out from the nearby Nar-Cola vending stand. "And before you think you can use those robot planes you so cleverly hid in the Pizza Vendor, I alreadya reprogrammed your remote." I wish-a you could have been my son-a. Then I could havea taught you to do this the right way... Black Harlequin: No daddy of mine is-a gonna...STOP DOING THAT! I HATE THAT STUPID FAKE ACCENT! (Dodges) The Toy Clowns Shlumpf Forward and leap, covering Punchinello. Black Harlequin falls over laughing and giggling. "I snuck in and rewired your remote to target you. Hee...hee...hee." Punchinello: Yes...a...I know-a...that's a why it's a linked to your-a robot planes, and set on a one second-a delay-a. Black Harlequin: What? NO! YOU MESSED WITH MY TOYS! I'll Kill you! I'll...I'll... The Clowns Leap! The Robot Planes roar forward. Massive amounts of stuffing and gunfire fly about wildly in the confusion as Black Harlequin's blood leaks onto the ground from his neck... Black Harlequin: That was a pretty good trick, Daddy-O, but I'm still alive. Even with those poison darts you put into my robot planes. Pretty sneaky... Phase 5 Punchinello: Thank-sa for the complimento, but I'sa gotta kill you now. Punchinello pulls out a large, fuzzy looking pink toy ball. "Aww...look-a..." He says with a sly grin. "It'sa Fuzzo, the wonder carnivora!" There's a horrid meatgrinding sound and he hurls the fuzzy ball at Black Harlequin! Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow it! Black Harlequin deftly dodges the strange pink ball, which flies into the audience and eats Elizabeth Taylor's poodle! THere's a weird grinding noise, a shriek from Elizabeth Taylor, and a prerecorded belch from the machine! Black Harlequin: Now THAT'S funny! Another day, another pet destroyed! But since I'm not going to make it out of this arena alive, I'm going to have to do something really drastic! (Black Harlequin leaps for Punchinello's toybelt, and tries to grab it from the stunted midget! There's a wild, hideous scuffle as Black Harlequin gets the toybelt away from the evil burned midget clown!) Nick: Looks like this is it for Punchinello. I wonder what device the Black Harlequin will use to kill him! Johnny: This has been a wild one, but I think it's almost over! Phase 8 Punchinello: What'a? You think'a that's a gonna save-a you? Give-a me that back, you'a thiefa! Black Harlequin giggles madly as he deftly yanks the toybelt out of Punchinello's hands. Black Harlequin: Stupid, weak old man. Oh, look. The Spinning Flower Acid Squirter! Go, go, go! Black Harlequin giggles maniacally as he points Punchinello's own murderous toy at him, and fires. Punchinello: No! NO! You-a thief-a! The Spinning Flower Slams into Punchinello with a dire, horrible ripping noise, and it slams into the frail old man, ripping through his armor and out the back, as Punchinello slams into the Narcola vendor, and there's a horrible sound of all his bones breaking. Black Harlequin: And that...settles that...his neck makes a little hissing noise. OH...OH CRAP! I'm DYING! I'm DYING! MEDIC! MEDIC! It's not a Joke! Really! I'm bleeding to death here! Someone help meeeeeeeeeeeeee! Medics come running forward and put Black Harlequin on a stretcher. Judge Mills Lane: (Raising Black Harlequin's arm so that the medics can put him on an IV!) The winner, and possessor of the We Be Toys prize for the year...Black Harlequin! Black Harlequin: Thank you...I always wanted a Betsy Boffer Hooker Doll! Nick: There's a Betsy Boffer Hooker Doll? Johnny (Looking a little embarrassed): Yeah, and it's fully functional! Defender: Johnny, how could you! I had...fantasies...Kidding...Just Kidding...don't want to be destroyed by Luathon again!!!! Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez! Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond! Defender: And I'm Defender in a Taped Up Jar! Johnny, Nick, and Defender: Saying Good Fight, and Good Night!

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Johnny: I can't believe it! Defender in a Jar: Oh, believe me, I believe it! Nick: Twin exploding hands! Amazing! It's like they're distorted mirror images of each other! Johnny: They couldn't wait to get started, and then they spent all their time getting out of the way. This could be a long, bloody day. Punchinello, Peeking up over the Edge of the ring: Somehow, I think he survived. My hat-a! My bells! (He reaches up and grabs it, the bells have been burned off) Black Harlequin, cackling quietly on the other side: Pretty funny, but no one died, so it's not funny enough...At least I had the bells on my clown hat made out of Questonite! There's no way his survived! (Lovingly pats his clown hat) Phase 5 Punchinello: You-a destroyed a my clown hat, you-a cheap imitatzi! Now I'm-a gonna messa you uppa, but good-a! Punchinello leaps into the rafters on his springy springs, and presses a button from a remote, hidden in his costume! Toy soldiers click to life and fire thousands of rounds at Black Harlequin, bullets flaring everywhere with horrid rat-a-tat-tat noises! Nick: Looks like Punchinello stashed some gear! Johnny; What, you think Black Harlequin hasn't? This is going to be a dirty fight all the way through! Black Harlequin: Yipe! You're pretty quick for an old guy! (Dodges) The bullets slam into the scoreboard and smash it up with loud pinging and shattering noises. Broken glass flies everywhere. Phase 8 Punchinello: Stand-a still, you skinny little fake! I'm a gonna rip-a you a new one! (He pauses and looks at Judge Lane.) Did I-a say that right? Punchinello flicks another switch on his remote, and the toy soldiers lock weapons and fire lasers at Black Harlequin! The Ring is sliced to pieces, along with the scoreboard! Judge Mills Lane: It's a freestyle match now! I'll allow it! Black Harlequin cackles, and pulls out a small cannonball from his pocket, and lights the fuse. Black Harlequin: Say goodbye, old man! Not like you had long to live anyway! I'm gonna rip out your catheter and feed it to you! The bomb explodes in the rafters, destroying several of the toy soldiers and knocking Punchinello off. Punchinello: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Punchinello lands on his feet, and his springy springs protect him!) SPROY-OY-OINGGGGGGGGGGGG Johnny: Well, that was impressive. First blood to Black Harlequin! Nick: But an impressive recovery by Punchinello! Saved by his springy springs! Who would have thought! Phase 10 Punchinello springs right for Black Harlequin, drawing out a large, massive expanding mallet from underneath his costume. Punchinello: Is this a hammer that I see before me? That's a little Shake-a-spear-a for a you, you un-a-couth yoot-a! Black Harlequin: The Mallet, the Mallet, and The Mallet, creeps in on heavy feet from day to day! See? I know it too...LOSER! YIPE (Dodges again) The Mallet SLAMS around Black Harlequin's entire head, and there's a heavy grinding sound followed by a horrible electrical crackle and a loud explosion of lightning! The Hammer is destroyed, and Punchinello is smoking from electrical burns. There's a nasty bloody rent around Black Harlequin's neck, and the remains of what looks like a saw blade! Punchinello is smoking horribly from the electrical feedback from the joy buzzer armor that Black Harlequin was wearing. Both are stunned for Con. Defender: Now THAT's what I call lethal! Johnny: I really can't disagree. That was really impressive! Nick: Was that really a head size hammer with a saw blade on the inside? Johnny: I think so. Defender: My jar...it...it's cracked. Nick: What? Defender: One of the toy soldiers must have got me... Johnny: It's okay. (Gets out some masking tape.) We'll take care of you, Defender in a Jar. You're one of us, now. Phase 12 Both combatants recover from being stunned while battling in the scoreboard rubble.

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Nick: We are back, and we have a special treat for you today. Advancing to the ring, in a classic three piece tuxedo, is the most amazing announcer you've ever seen, tonight, our contestants will be introduced by none other than Michael Buffer! Johnny: Joining our tuxedoed wunderkind in the ring will be the most popular referee on the circuit, even though his arm has been replaced by that of an ape... Defender in a Jar: You know him, you love him, he's...JUDGE MILLS LANE! (Michael Buffer gets into the ring, and walks to the Microphone) Buffer (Flexing, showing just how much he lives up to his name, grabbing the microphone): Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, we have a classic Champions Universal Deathmatch for you! Making his way to the ring at three foot six, and one hundred and sixty two pounds, he is the Patriarch of Toymaking, the Hunchback of Horror, the Developer of the Bloody Spin-Launch Razor Squirting Acid Flower, Punchinello! (Punchinello springs into the ring, leering nastily at the crowd. There are real springs on his feet, and he cocks his one good eye at them while he leers and twitches his hunched back) (The Crowd Boos) Punchinello: WHAT? You miserable freaks! I'll put you all in hamster wheels of death and feed you to your hamsters! What? You think they won't eat people? HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! Buffer, gesturing to the opposite side of the ring. "And now, floating towards the ring on a giant levitating unicycle, his opponent! He's six foot one and weighs an astonishingly low one hundred and thirty five pounds! He is the Laughing Demon of Toy Destruction, the Clown Prince of Toycraft, the Demon of We Be Toys...The Black Harlequin" The Black Harlequin floats towards the ring and lands, the uncycle clattering to earth. He hurls it into the crowd and there's a dull roar, and another explosion! Bodies fly everywhere! Johnny: Wow, Black Harlequin's on a rampage! He must really hate Punchinello. He's killed six people, and the match hasn't even started yet! Nick: Well, there's only one death that matters, and that's the one in the ring, Johnny Michael Buffer: So are you ready? Crowd: We're ready! Michael Buffer: Tonight's referee is none other than Judge Mills Lane, and may I say that the new ape arm really does you good! Judge Mills Lane: Thanks Mike! (Flexes the Ape Arm) Michael Buffer: Then let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEE! Michael Buffer flees for the exit, knowing the carnage that is to come. Michael Buffer: I can't believe I took this gig. I can't believe I'm still alive! Judge Mills Lane: Thanks. Come over here, you two clowns, and I can say that freely, because you are clowns! You all know the rules! There aren't any! So do you have anything to say before you stop clowning around? Punchinello: What's a matta you, stupid Paisan! Get outta the way and let me kill him! Black Harlequin: You're not even a funny clown! You're a mean old sad clown! (Leans down) He holds out his hand to shake. Punchinello takes it. Judge Mills Lane: Right! Then you know what it's time for! LET'S GET IT ON! Johnny: Well, it looks like we're starting!! (The two pre-triggered exploding hands go off in a massive burst of fire and heat! Judge Mills Lane Dives for Cover, Punchinello Dives for Cover, Black Harlequin Dives for Cover. Phase 12 ends before it starts!) The ring is slightly on fire at this point, but everyone escapes without injury. Judge Lane is hanging from the scoreboard by his ape arm. Punchinello: You stole my exploding hand! Black Harlequin: It's an oldie but a goodie! Judge Lane: I'll allow it! (The Scoreboard Creaks Dangerously, yeah, you've seen this before, but this is what happens when you allow people to carry heavily armed military weaponry into an arena) Phase 1 The Scoreboard snaps free of it's restraints, and plummets downward with Judge Lane! Judge Lane: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Punchinello: Merda! Black Harlequin: Oh, !@#$%~! That's not funny! Judge Lane Leaps away from the scoreboard, and Black Harlequin and Punchinello dive for cover again! When the smoke clears, the ring is mostly occupied by the scoreboard, and there's a massive smoking hole in the center of the ring. Phase three also ends before it starts....

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Johnny: And we're back! Nick: And now we'll go live, to where Debbie is interviewing Punchinello. (Focus in on Punchinello, a short, twisted hunchback in a traditional jester's outfit. Debbie is standing next to him.) Debbie: So, Punchinello! Is it true that hunchbacks are exceptionally well endowed? Punchinello: (Draws back his hand to slap Debbie. A little froth drools from his lip.) Look at me, you Demonah...I'm a ninety! In-a my youth, I might-a showed you the goods, but right-a now I'm a gonna show this other clown who the real clown is! Debbie: Sure! I'll...see you later... (Black Harlequin creeps up behind Debbie as a toy soldier putters after Punchinello. It's head rotates and crackles ominously) Black Harlequin: So, Debbie, is it? (He giggles violently, and spits out his teeth!) Still chasing dirty old men? JOKE! (He shouts as he shows the fake teeth to the audience and then tosses them over his head.) There is a loud explosion, some screaming, and a vendor's cap goes flying as hot dogs are blown into the air. Harlequin catches one. "Mmm. Could use a little salt." Debbie: Uh, yeah! So, Black Harlequin? How are you going to win tonight? Black Harlequin: That old poser's toys are so last century. Most modern fans don't even know what a Punchinello is. And soon, I'm going to have all kinds of fun! I'll even make sure there's a little something left for you, after the match, Debbie! He flashes her an evil clown smile. Debbie: Thanks, Blackie! And now, back to you, Johnny and Nick! Johnny: We'll be back right after this! Defender in a Jar: It'll be toy-riffic!

Johnny's Voiceover: The only difference between men and boys... Nick's Voiceover: Is the size of their toys! Defender in a Jar: Tonight, two of the greats of Champions will settle their differences over who makes the deadliest toys in Villaindom! Johnny: We've got a great one for you tonight, folks! Nick: Yes! Tonight, Punchinello will face off against The Black Harlequin, in a duel to the death of terrible Toymakers! We've got enough blood to fill an entire toybox tonight! Johnny, Nick, and Defender in a Jar: On Champions Universal Deathmatch! A massive roar of robot toy planes thunders by, blasting the Champions Universal Deathmatch Logo into wet, bloody pulp that sprays over the screen and drips down. Defender in a Jar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Johnny! Save Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Johnny Catches Defender in a Jar and the Graphic Sequence Ends) Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez! Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond! Defender in a Jar: And I'm Defender in a Jar! Johnny: Tonight, we've got two evil toymakers in the ring. Two evil ITALIAN toymakers, no less! Nick: My real name is Diamante, you know, so no matter who wins, I win. Defender in a Jar: Sounds good to me, Johnny. Could someone put a hot dog in my ashes? I'm getting a little peckish! Johnny: Defender, you're a heap of ashes in a jar! You can't eat! Nick: He does have a point, Defender. Ever since you revealed yourself to be a creepy bisexual man in a tin suit, and Witchcraft and Solitaire reduced you to ash, you really don't need to eat anymore. Defender in a Jar: (Sighs) All these people keep sending me fan chocolates, and I can't have any of them. Johnny: Oh, Nick, good news. It's twins for each Archmagess! Defender and Nick: I don't wanna know. Defender in a Jar: Cover my ears, Nick! Nick: You don't have ears! You're a jar! We'll be back with Debbie interviewing our contestants right after this, our weekly Nar-Cola Ad! Focus in on a Nar-Cola executive. "I'm Borex Greeble! And I really look like this!" Unzips his mansuit to reveal a greasy, slimy alien. "We made Nar-cola just for you, to take away your blues. It also provides excellent flavoring for when we kidnap your species and prepare our special dishes!" It gives a slimy, toothy, tentacled smile. "Oh, my god! Are we live? Cut that camera! Cut it! Cut it!" The Alien waves frantically at the screen as it goes dark. "Nar-cola! An Out of this World Experience. You'll go good with Froxlebb Sauce."

Re: Going to be running a Teen Champions game... I run a much more serious Teen Champions Game set in a public high school. It's kind of like Teen Champions meets Veronica Mars, but it's got some serious fun quotient. If you want to ask me questions, I'll have to ask you to take it to private messages, because my players frequent these boards.

Re: Who homages the Watchmen or those the Watchmen homaged? I was actually thinking of a cartoon in a laundromat, where Rorschach is doing the voiceover. Silk Spectre keeps bending over in front of the dryer, looking like a whore. Poor Nite Owl. His coins keep getting stuck in the slot. Hrm. No soap left for me. Again. Veidt always washes twice. Stuck up pansy.... Who Washes the Washmen? I think so...

Re: Who homages the Watchmen or those the Watchmen homaged? I believe you are not correct on Peter Cannon. I believe the correct character he is homaging is the Judo Master.

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Coatilcue, The Purifier vs. The Slug!!!! Phase 8 Slug: Though I am imprisoned in your fist of earth, I am certain that your mind is not nearly as powerful as you imagine. Now, I shall free myself while your paralyzed form transforms into a much more delectable shape! Coatlicue: Don't be ridiculous, it didn't work befo...HKKT Nick: Oh, my god, they're both paralyzed! Neither of them can move! What's going to happen now? This could be extremely boring! Coatlicue: (Drooling and spitting in terror) NNGHG...HLLLKT... (Breathing hard) Slug: Now, my soon to be worm beauty, you shall experience the joy of transformation! Phase 10 Coatlicue: (Spitting and coughing as she clutches her head, freeing herself from Slug's paralyzing thoughts.) What did you do to me? All I could see and think about was spawning a new race of...YOU MUST DIE, YOU DISGUSTING UNNATURAL BEAST! I WILL RIP OUT YOUR HEART AND SACRIFICE IT! THE GODS WILL BE APPEASED! (Coatlicue's hands lift up, and massive blast of roaring fire hurtles towards the Slug) Nick: Looks like Coatlicue's not such a helpless bimbo, eh, Johnny Defender Jar: I like her already! Johnny: You like anything that moves, Defender! Slug: (Unable to dodge) AAAAAAAAAAAAA! FIRE! NOOOOO! DRYING OUT! (Sobbing whine) (The Earth cracks, blisters and explodes, and the Slug is hurled backwards into the remains of the Nar-cola vendor) Slug: (Slug stands up, and dusts himself off) Now you will feel the wrath of the Elder Worm. There is no way you can do that twice! I will prevail, and then you, tongued one, will burn only with desire for me. Coatlicue: Stop calling me that! (Winces as the images pour back into her mind, but she shrugs it off) If you still HAD a tongue, I'd cut it out and feed it to you! Phase 12 Nick: This is getting nasty! Coatlicue: I'm going to make certain that no one ever suffers your horrid thoughts again! I'm going to burn them right out of your mind! Slug: No..not more fire...please...no...I'll only mate with other slugs! I'll salt myself! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (There is a horrible roar as the Slug's suit cracks open, and the searing energy slams into the Slug, hurling him up into the scoreboard) Judge Mills Lane: Ouch! I'll allow it! (There is a searing bubbling hiss from the scoreboard, and some wet disgusting pops.) Johnny: I can smell the burning mucus from here! It looks like this is it for Slug! Post 12 Recovery Phase 2 Coatlicue leaps to the top of the Scoreboard and charges up her fiery hands, aiming down at the leaking, pulping form of Slug, embedded in the electronics below. Coatlicue: And this is for trying to mate with me! You disgusting heathen! (There is a horrid, wrenching roar as the Scoreboard disconnects and crashes down into the ring with a smash. There is a horrid electrical zark, and the burning, twisting form of the Slug is seen through the lights of the Scoreboard, burning and electrocuted to death. Then there's a wet bursting pop, and mucus sprays over everything in the ring) Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow it! Oh, god, that's disgusting! I'm covered in mucus! Coatlicue: My heels! I can't believe this! They were three thousand dollars! Oh....my god, I feel so violated! Judge Mills Lane: The winner, and still the mightiest god of Central America...Coatlicue! (Focus in on Johnny and Nick, barely visible through the armored booth that's covered with mucus) Johnny: Well, that's it for this week! I'm Johnny Gomez! Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond! Defender in a Jar: Mggph...Hkkt...Mucus...covering me...can't see...need to be washed off... Johnny and Nick: Saying Good Fight! And Good Night!