Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

[Balabanto]

(A camera fades in on the black void of space, the starry canopy shining on the screen.)

 

Johnny's Voiceover: For years, people have debated what would happen when these two titans meet!

 

(The Camera starts slowly panning inward, into the solar system, past Pluto, which has the words engraved into it "Damn you, I'm still a planet!", past Uranus, Jupiter, Mars and the Asteroid Belt)

 

Nick's Voiceover: For years, people have wondered what makes these master villains tick! Now, tonight, at last, Doctor Destroyer and Takofanes will meet, in a battle to end all battles!

 

Johnny's Voiceover: A Fight to end all fights! The winner goes to Sixth Edition!!!!

 

Defender in a Jar's voiceover: And the loser...Goes Home in a Pine Box!!!!

 

Nick's Voiceover: Yes, Tonight! Tonight is the Fight for Ultimate Might! On...

 

(The Stars themselves explode into spectacular colors and pinwheels, shooting off bright firey lights as the screen shimmers with radiant, beautiful pinwheels! Nick, Johnny, Defender in a Jar, Doctor Destroyer and Takofanes are immortalized in stellar fireworks before the whole screen breaks apart and explodes, revealing...

 

A massive floating orbital platform, hovering in Geosynchronous Orbit above Columbus Ohio! A massive force dome hangs over the top, with one hundred thousand screaming fans echoing in the void of space, with shuttlecraft slowly pouring in to attend the fight of the century!)

 

The Camera pans in on Nick and Johnny, who is holding Defender in Jar, on a hovering, antigravity announcer's platform, shielded in Questonite and covered in a strange, purplish force dome.

 

Nick, Johnny, And Defender in a Jar: CHAMPIONS UNIVERSAL DEATHMATCH!

 

Nick: What a crowd has turned out for this match! The rich and famous, the intelligentsia, the not so rich, the not so famous, I think I even see Molly Ringwald!

 

Johnny: Molly Ringwald? Isn't she...old now?

 

Defender in a Jar: Oooooh! MILF City! Yes! It really IS Molly Ringwald.

 

Nick: Defender, you're a heap of ashes in a jar. You can't do that! Besides, it's not like you're Pulsar or something.

 

Johnny: Well, Morgan Fairchild's even older than Molly Ringwald, Nick, so I guess Defender in a Jar is still one up on him!

 

Nick: We've got a little while before our contestants are introduced, so we're going to take a moment to thank all the people who have made this Orbital Arena possible, including Teleios, the Perfect Man, for grafting Doctor Silverback's arm onto Judge Mills Lane in his moment of need!

 

Johnny: Who's fault is that? You never should have trusted Mechanon!

 

Defender in a Jar: Yeah! You never should have!

 

Nick: Now, let's go down to Debbie, she's with one of our two contestants right now! An interview with the most dangerous living man in the world, Doctor Destroyer, when we come back from this commerical break!

[Balabanto]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Focus in on two teenagers walking into separate elevators. Inside, each is tired and thirsty. One of them pops a generic can marked "Soh-dah." He drinks it and yawns, leaning exhaustedly against the elevator wall.

 

The second teenager, much sexier, hippier, and skinnier than the first, reaches into his hip fanny pack for a can of Nar-cola. He downs it, and the elevator launches skyward, blasting Nar-Cola as the teen erupts out of the skyscraper, which explodes in a burst of Nar-cola cans. He rides the Nar-cola blast along the landscape as he pulls out a skateboard, and hurls infinite cups to catch the rain of Nar-cola for the desperately thirsty.

 

The screen goes dark, and a female voiceover echoes "Nar-cola! Blow up your whole world!"

 

Johnny: And we're back, live with Nick Diamond, Defender in a Jar, and Debbie is interviewing Doctor Destroyer as we speak! Debbie?

 

(Focus in on Debbie and Doctor Destroyer. Destroyer towers over her in his massive powered armor, his ominous mask glaring down at her.)

 

Debbie: Hi, I'm here in the locker room assigned to Doctor Destroyer, the most notorious villain on Earth. Doctor Destroyer, can you tell us how you're going to win your fight against Takofanes today?

 

Dr. Destroyer: It is not with raw power that I, Destroyer shall carry the battle against Takofanes, but with the brilliant strength of a superior intellect that can only belong to the world's greatest mind!

 

Debbie: As a somewhat...umm...ordinary mind, what exactly does that mean?

 

Dr. Destroyer: It means you are not fit to know it. (Sighs, shaking his head.) Only a fool would reveal his plan to his adversary before a battle of such magnitude.

 

Debbie: Oh. What are you going to do if you win?

 

Dr. Destroyer: I shall rule the world, of course, as no one, not even superheroes from another space/time continuum, can stop me!

 

Debbie: That's a lofty goal. What's going to happen to my favorite shopping stores?

 

Dr. Destroyer, studying Debbie for a moment: They will be much the same, of course, except they exist only to obey the will of Destroyer!

 

Debbie: Is that the reason for your Doctor Destroyer breath mints? I must say, they really do work! (Pops one.)

 

Doctor Destroyer's eyeslit flares, and while Debbie is momentarily hypnotized, he pops a breath mint, too: Yes. It's true. I really do secretly own Doctor Destroyer breath mints. They destroy bad breath, and secretly fund my schemes! The brilliance of Destroyer cannot be denied!

 

Debbie: Wow. They are really tasty!

 

Doctor Destroyer: As well as infinitely useful in so many ways...(Evil Chuckle)

 

Debbie: And I'm off to interview Takofanes, the Dark Lord, thank you for your time.

 

Doctor Destroyer: Even though you are a lesser intellect, Destroyer is always polite when properly approached by the fairer sex. You are welcome.

 

Johnny: We'll be right back after a short break with Debbie's interview with Takofanes, The Undying Lord.

[Balabanto]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Nick: Welcome back, to Champions Universal Deathmatch! Right now, Debbie is about to interview Takofanes, the Undying Lord!

 

(Focus in on Debbie and Takofanes, in front of a Champions Universal Deathmatch sign. Solitaire and Witchcraft are depicted on the sign, vaporizing Defender.)

 

Debbie: I'm here live with Takofanes, the Undying Lord, in his preparation chamber, where he currently schemes... (She giggles)oooh, I love that word, schemes, to defeat his archrival for control of the Earth, Doctor Destroyer. Takofanes, how do you propose to defeat Doctor Destroyer?

 

Takofanes: I am the master of all of the mystic arts. There is no one who is my equal. I shall crush him beneath my magic, for his pale art of science is inferior to my own!

 

Debbie: Do you know why Hostess twinkies live for a hundred thousand years?

 

Takofanes (Scowling): What? Such questions are callow and beneath the mind of one who is like a living god!

 

Debbie: Just asking. So what are you going to do if you win?

 

Takofanes: I shall destroy all life on earth, and rule a land of the undead as I see fit! The old gods shall return, and I, Takofanes, shall be their eternal master!

 

Debbie: Uhh...ohh...kay. And...what happens to the people here?

 

Takofanes: Oh, believe me, you have no idea...(Evil chuckle.)

 

Debbie: Thank you...umm...Undying Lord...and now, back to...Johnny...and Nick...eep...eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (Flees down the corridor)

 

Takofanes: Now, puerile old man, a speck in the eyes of the gods, you shall meet your doom!

 

Johnny: Well, that sounded pretty prophetic, we'll be back with our two contestants in the ring in just a few moments.

 

Nick: It's magic versus science, brains versus raw power, Doctor Destroyer Versus Takofanes, coming to you live from above the Planet Earth!!!! Only an arena in space could contain the raw might of these two opponents, and we're bringing it to you LIVE!

[Balabanto]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Johnny: And we're back from our commercial break! Down in the ring, Doctor Destroyer and Takofanes are only separated by a few short feet!

 

Nick: Look at that armor! It's bristling with weapons! All Takofanes has is that hood with tattered cape! How can he just stand there and not feel fear?

 

Defender in a Jar: He's already dead! you guys did kind of cheat by setting up the Doc against a dead opponent!

 

Nick: Not a problem, Defender in a Jar! That just means Doctor Destroyer will have to cheat even harder to win!

 

Johnny: And like my army sargeant said, if you're not cheating, you're not trying hard enough!

 

Nick: You were in the army, Johnny?

 

Johnny: Yeah. I uhh...got thrown out. I was...umm...in bed with my Sargeant, and...something came up...

 

Nick: (Grumbling) The state of our army today. Nonetheless, let's go down to ringside as we introduce the Judge, you know him, you love him, he's had his arm replaced with the hacked off arm of Doctor Silverback, he's...

 

Johnny: Judge Mills Lane!

 

(Judge Mills Lane swings into the ring and beats his chest with the huge ape arm. He lets out a long howl straight out of the tarzan movies and lands in between the two men with a deep, apish grunt!)

 

Judge Lane: All right, boys! You know the rules! There aren't any! So, that being said, I'm sure you know the rest of my speech. Is everyone ready?

 

Johnny: Ready!

 

Nick: Ready!

 

Defender in a Jar: Ready!

 

Fans: READY! (A thunderous chant fills the stadium, of pounding fists, cheering and whistling)

 

Judge Mills Lane: Then I'll ALLOW IT! Ladies and Gentlebeings, Aliens and Robots!!!!!!!!!

 

 

LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Balabanto]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Phase 12

 

Doctor Destroyer, on Dex 44, SPD 12.

Takofanes, on Dex 42, SPD 12

Judge Mills Lane, on DEX 21, SPD 4

 

Doctor Destroyer raises his hands, the armored battlesuit charging up with seemingly limitless power. He is surrounded in a glowing forcewall that glows with a nebulous black light, and his eyes blaze with the limitless power of Anti-Matter. He rises up into the air, his hands crackling with energy.

 

Doctor Destroyer: So I see, you also skipped bothering to say anything. We will see if your silence is limited to your so-called magic...

 

Doctor Destroyer Holds His Action!

 

Takofanes chuckles, a hallow cackle coming from the skeletal face under the hood. The long, bony fingers shiver under the rotting cape, and he murmurs a few magical words to himself.

 

Takofanes: I need no words to cast my spells, fool. You are a tiny speck in the eyes of the old gods. Now feel the Corrupted Lights of the Kae-Linn, and see my unspeakable power! Takofanes fires the energy beam at Doctor Destroyer, and a searing roar of unspeakable, babbling misery engulfs him!

 

Doctor Destroyer writhes in pain as the black, babbling lights engulf him. He shudders under the impacts as the howling wrath shimmers and shudders over him.

 

(OOC: 12d6 Autofire Area Effect Energy Blast, Special Effect, Corrupted Lights of the Kae-Linn. Destroyer takes 10 stun, and is knocked back 3")

 

Doctor Destroyer laughs, and the black hands of Anti-matter charge up. "Takofanes, the day of magic is over and done, and with it, the belief in your army of corpses will crumble." He fires a massive bolt of energy at the lich, searing towards him with a significant chuckle.

 

(OOC: Takofanes takes 20 stun from a 30d6 Antimatter Energy Blast, and goes nowhere.)

 

Takofanes: Really? (He gives an evil chuckle.) Perhaps you should look in the Audience then.

 

Post 12 recovery. Destroyer and Takofanes recover. The 800 liches hidden in the audience throw off their disguises. Destroyer merely sneers.

 

Phase 1:

 

Doctor Destroyer: Did you really think that I was incapable of dealing with such an insignificant deception? I, the most brilliant mind in all the world? While you were busy getting your undead lackeys into position, I was seeding the air recyclers with disintegration gas, keyed to specific sonic frequencies.

 

Takofanes: Oh? Really. And which one did you use?

 

Doctor Destroyer: Your voice! You've only been in the ring for a few minutes, but they've been there for over an hour, waiting for their undead master. I think you'll like the result. (Doctor Destroyer replays Takofanes Soliloquy with his tape recorder built into his suit, loud enough for the whole arena to hear.)

 

The eight hundred liches disintegrate into dust and ashes, along with the rest of the audience!

 

Takofanes: WHAT? Impossible! You can't just...

 

Doctor Destroyer: I just did. Magic isn't everything.

 

Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow it!

 

Defender in a Jar: Molleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

 

Nick: My god! Destroyer just killed everyone in the audience just to get rid of Takofanes eight hundred supernatural mystics!

 

Johnny: This really is going to be a fight for the ages! Too bad there's no one left to watch it! Well...except us!

 

Doctor Destroyer chuckles and raises the Sonic Frequency slightly. "Now, Takofanes, it is time for you to die."

 

There is a horrible sonic whine, and the horrible shattering sound of a million nails on a million chalkboards barrels through the empty arena.

 

Takofanes (Sneering): "You think that I am so easily slain, Doctor! Prepare to meet your doom at the hands of your own blasts!"

 

Takofanes easily deflects the bolt back at Destroyer, who absorbs the bolt right into his armor, his gauntlets flaring up with deep, reverbrating thrumming noises.

 

Doctor Destroyer laughs. "My blasts only make me more powerful, Takofanes. Can you say the same? Did you really think I'd let you kill the audience and animate them? That's why the superior mind of Destroyer will always triumph!"

[Marcus Impudite]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Exiting fight thus far. BTW, got someone here who'd love to fight the winner if you're up for it... (yes, I'm that proud of my creation)

[Balabanto]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Phase Two

 

Doctor Destroyer gloats as he floats above Takofanes, his features cackling with dark metallic echoes as the crowd turns into thick, puffy dust.

 

Doctor Destroyer: I regret that I must do this, Takofanes, but I am afraid I cannot leave you with any spiritual fodder either. I hope that force field holds. There will be no witnesses to my ultimate victory if it does not.

 

Destroyer casts his grim gaze towards Nick and Johnny.

 

Defender in a Jar: Hang on! We're all gonna die!

 

Nick: You're already dead, Defender! You're a heap of ash in a jar! How many times do we have to tell you!

 

Johnny: Defender in a Jar! Save Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

Doctor Destroyer punches a button on his belt, and there's a dull, horrid rush as the force dome decompresses, hurling the two combatants and the force field covered pod out into space!

 

Takofanes: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Curse you, fleshling! We're falling!

 

Destroyer: No. You're falling. I have flight jets.

 

Nick: Doctor Destroyer has taken this battle out of the arena and into the attraction of Earth's gravity! What an amazing match! A shame about Molly Ringwald, though.

 

Johnny: Absolutely amazing! We're heading straight down! The antigravity field is pushing us straight towards the Columbus Convention Center!

 

Defender in a Jar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Johnneeeeeeeeeeee! Save meeeeeeeeeeeee!

 

Nick: Oh, god. We're not even falling! You're almost completely useless in that jar!

 

Takofanes waves his hands to cast a spell of flight, and the combatants fall down, down down, through the atmosphere, burning and burning, creating two beacons of rich, sinister fire....

 

Takofanes: If I'm falling to Earth, you're coming with me, armored cretin! I have lived for milennia! I am invincible! No living being can defeat The Undying Lord.

 

Takofanes fires up at Destroyer as the plummeting villains descend, his fingers whirling as he tosses a spell of immobilization at the Doctor.

 

Phase 3

 

Doctor Destroyer Grits his teeth as they fall towards Earth:

 

Destroyer Nnggh...Paralyzed. But not defeated, Takofanes!

 

His armor generates a low, spontaneous hum, thrumming out towards Takofanes as Destroyer's jets continue to function on autopilot....

 

Nick: What's Destroyer doing? He can't possibly still be functioning after being immobilized!

 

Johnny: Some sort of techno-mind trick, I imagine.

 

Doctor Destroyer's Armor spontaneously generates a large backpack cannon, that unleashes on the Undying Lord as he slows his descent.

Takofanes blinks as the backpack deploys, a thick, humming vibration rocketing towards the undying lord.

 

Takofanes rearranges himself and shifts, firing at Destroyer as he plummets towards Earth. The blast connects dead center with Takofanes, and he stares, bemused as Destroyer falls closer, continuing to keep distance.

 

Takofanes: That's it? Your massive, powerful weapon does nothing? Hah! My Doomsayer's blade will take your life!

 

Takofanes summons a huge black blade of metal and hurls it at the paralyzed Doctor Destroyer, the wicked runecarved weapon thundering towards the paralyzed mastermind!

 

The blade bounces off Destroyer's shielding sphere and returns to Takofanes hand, having knocked the force wall that surrounds Destroyer down. Destroyer continues to fall, Takofanes chuckles and gloats.

 

Johnny: Wow, that had to hurt! I can't believe it! Destroyer didn't just split into little meat chunks!

 

 

Phase 4

 

Doctor Destroyer Recovers from being stunned. (OOC: Yeah. That's right. He took 75 stun, and all he does is recover from being stunned. That's AFTER damage reduction. He takes absolutely no body at all.)

 

Takofanes: It seems that your living flesh is no match for my undead frame. (He chuckles for a moment) I think I will simply hurl my sword at you again and end this foolishness.

 

Takofanes hurls back the sword and throws it, as it angles in a loop towards the falling villain while Takofanes gloats.

 

The sword bounces harmlessly off Doctor Destroyer's Armor as it returns to Takofanes hand.

 

Takofanes: What? If my first throw did so much, how did that happen! He can't still be mobile! He can't be!

 

Doctor Destroyer falls towards earth, gathering speed as Takofanes backs away from the plummeting villain.

 

Nick: We're in sight of the Convention Center! This could be bad!

 

Johnny: Ohh, yeah, real bad! There are gamers down there!

 

Defender in a Jar: Could someone put a die in my jar so at least I'm good for something?

 

Nick: Don't worry, Defender. There will be plenty of dice to go around after they dig out the survivors...

[Balabanto]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Phase 5

 

Doctor Destroyer (Gritting his teeth inside his armor): This may kill me, but Destroyer will not lose! I shall not be defeated by this mockery of all that I desire to achieve!

 

Destroyer's armor fires at Takofanes, still on autopilot, a low, dull, throbbing boom as the sonic cannon launches at him.

 

Takofanes: What the? A noisemaker? AHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

 

Destroyer (Still trying to free himself from the mental trap that Takofanes has paralyzed him in): While you were busy gloating and trying to finish me, I was setting up a subharmonic frequency in your bones. You are no longer as resilient as you had hoped. So, since you have nothing else, Prepare to crash and die, decalcifying fool!

 

(Suppress Damage Reduction. The best power in the entire world! Especially when guys like these get it on!)

 

Judge Mills Lane (Arriving in a rocket pack and a space helmet of unusual design): I'll allow it!

 

A little chip flies off Takofanes. (OOC: First blood to Doctor Destroyer. One Body to Takofanes) Takofanes grunts and twitches. He is stunned for CON.

 

Phase 6

 

Doctor Destroyer: Must...free myself...finish this foolish creature!

 

The Sonic Autocannon fires by remote again, blasting away at Takofanes as the Undying Lord plummets downward, down towards the Convention Center....

 

The Shot passes through Takofanes ribcage, narrowly missing his shivering bones as the Undying Lord recovers his wits.

 

OOC: Takofanes recovers from being Stunned. He has ONE stun left.

 

Takofanes: What? Impossible! No weapon forged by man can harm the Undying Lord so!

 

Nick: Oh, my God! Destroyer and Takofanes are going to hit the Convention Center!

 

Johnny: I can't look!

 

Phase 7

 

Destroyer: Hah! Now I am free of your paralysis, creature! There can be no doubt that soon, I will be the victor! Suffer the wrath of my Destroyer Beam, and meet your maker!

 

FRAKAM! Doctor Destroyer fires the Destroyer Beam at Takofanes, and Takofanes casts a spell in response!

 

FWOIT! Takofanes teleports out of the way of the Destroyer Beam, which smashes away huge chunks of the Columbus Convention Center!

 

Nick: Wow! Call the National Guard! Call SWAT! Call the Champions! Oh...wait..(He looks suspiciously at Defender in a Jar)

 

Johnny: Yeah, Nick. that was a bad call.

 

Defender in a Jar: Well, we have to take a commercial break, but we promise you that you won't miss a minute of the action!

[Balabanto]

Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch: Final Round! Doctor Destroyer vs. Takofanes!

 

Phase 8

 

Destroyer charges up his Destroyer Beam, laughing as he glares at Takofanes.

 

Destroyer: Now you will pay with your life, miserable bone puppet, for daring to tempt Destroyer's wrath!

 

Nick: Oh, Miserable Bone Puppet! He's good!

 

Johnny: Very good indeed!

 

Destroyer chuckles as he launches the Destroyer Beam at Takofanes, and Takofanes, in a brilliant movement, reflects the beam back at Destroyer! The beam slams into Destroyer, and he topples, crashing through the roof of the dealers room at Origins!

 

BOOM! Destroyer hits the ground with a heavy thud, upsetting booths and crashing right in front of the Hero System and Blackwyrm booths.

 

Destroyer lies very still.

 

Darren: Is that Doctor Destroyer?

 

Steve: Sure looks that way.

 

Johnny and Nick: Oh, man! It looks like that's it for Doctor Destroyer!

 

Takofanes: At last! My greatest enemy lies before me! Your corpse will serve me now, powerful as it is. HAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

Phase 9

 

Doctor Destroyer does nothing.

 

Takofanes reaches out his hand and shouts "Rise, miserable fool. Now your mind, too, will serve the will of Takofanes! WHAT? Imposssible! I command all the dead!"

 

Doctor Destroyer gets up and dusts off his badly damaged armor. He shakes his head and laughs, a loud uproarious laugh.

 

"I was dead. But my attack didn't hurt me." His chuckle echoes through the room. "I erected an invisible force field to absorb the power and strength of my attack, and fed it into my Destroyer Beam so you wouldn't be able to stop me from killing you. Simultaneous with this, my armor deactivated my own pacemaker for .37 seconds, just enough time for your special senses to discover that I am dead. When my heart started beating again..."

 

Judge Mills Lane, flying down and crashlanding in the middle of the floor: I'll allow it!

 

Darren: Nice move, man.

 

Steve: It was pretty slick.

 

Johnny: Did you see that? He killed himself for a third of a second just to win a deathmatch! Oh, my god!

 

Nick: Well, Takofanes couldn't do that, Nick! He's already dead!

 

Defender in a Jar: That was amazing! That was fantastic!

 

Dave Mattingly: Anyone want to buy a copy of Foxbat for President?

 

Johnny, Nick, Defender in a Jar, and Doctor Destroyer: NO!

 

Doctor Destroyer's armor echoes with a nasty sneer.

 

"It was DESTROYER who had the advantage!" He fires the massive bolt of energy at Takofanes, who is blasted up into the sky. The hurtling lich sails upwards, and tumbles back down, smashing through the gaming rooms and destroying the D+D 4E Delve table.

 

Destroyer: "You might want to rescue Debbie. She's out in space. I didn't gas the bathrooms. No one deserves to die like that."

 

Mike Mearls: Hey! Anyone want a used lich. Ten dollars! I swear! I'll sell you Chris Tulach for 8 bucks!

 

Takofanes head rolls around on the floor, his body reduced to ash by Destroyer's blast.

 

Johnny: Well, all's well that ends well, sort of!

 

Nick: I can't believe it! Destroyer killed himself to win! That's got to be the craziest thing I've ever seen!

 

Defender in a Jar: Oh, yeah! One of the nuttiest!

 

Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez!

 

Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond!

 

Johnny, Nick, and Defender in a Jar: Saying so long, from the Columbus Convention Center in Columbus, Ohio!

 

Johnny, Nick, and Defender: Good fight! And good night!