Balabanto Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Johnny's Voiceover: The only difference between men and boys... Nick's Voiceover: Is the size of their toys! Defender in a Jar: Tonight, two of the greats of Champions will settle their differences over who makes the deadliest toys in Villaindom! Johnny: We've got a great one for you tonight, folks! Nick: Yes! Tonight, Punchinello will face off against The Black Harlequin, in a duel to the death of terrible Toymakers! We've got enough blood to fill an entire toybox tonight! Johnny, Nick, and Defender in a Jar: On Champions Universal Deathmatch! A massive roar of robot toy planes thunders by, blasting the Champions Universal Deathmatch Logo into wet, bloody pulp that sprays over the screen and drips down. Defender in a Jar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Johnny! Save Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! (Johnny Catches Defender in a Jar and the Graphic Sequence Ends) Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez! Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond! Defender in a Jar: And I'm Defender in a Jar! Johnny: Tonight, we've got two evil toymakers in the ring. Two evil ITALIAN toymakers, no less! Nick: My real name is Diamante, you know, so no matter who wins, I win. Defender in a Jar: Sounds good to me, Johnny. Could someone put a hot dog in my ashes? I'm getting a little peckish! Johnny: Defender, you're a heap of ashes in a jar! You can't eat! Nick: He does have a point, Defender. Ever since you revealed yourself to be a creepy bisexual man in a tin suit, and Witchcraft and Solitaire reduced you to ash, you really don't need to eat anymore. Defender in a Jar: (Sighs) All these people keep sending me fan chocolates, and I can't have any of them. Johnny: Oh, Nick, good news. It's twins for each Archmagess! Defender and Nick: I don't wanna know. Defender in a Jar: Cover my ears, Nick! Nick: You don't have ears! You're a jar! We'll be back with Debbie interviewing our contestants right after this, our weekly Nar-Cola Ad! Focus in on a Nar-Cola executive. "I'm Borex Greeble! And I really look like this!" Unzips his mansuit to reveal a greasy, slimy alien. "We made Nar-cola just for you, to take away your blues. It also provides excellent flavoring for when we kidnap your species and prepare our special dishes!" It gives a slimy, toothy, tentacled smile. "Oh, my god! Are we live? Cut that camera! Cut it! Cut it!" The Alien waves frantically at the screen as it goes dark. "Nar-cola! An Out of this World Experience. You'll go good with Froxlebb Sauce." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted March 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Johnny: And we're back! Nick: And now we'll go live, to where Debbie is interviewing Punchinello. (Focus in on Punchinello, a short, twisted hunchback in a traditional jester's outfit. Debbie is standing next to him.) Debbie: So, Punchinello! Is it true that hunchbacks are exceptionally well endowed? Punchinello: (Draws back his hand to slap Debbie. A little froth drools from his lip.) Look at me, you Demonah...I'm a ninety! In-a my youth, I might-a showed you the goods, but right-a now I'm a gonna show this other clown who the real clown is! Debbie: Sure! I'll...see you later... (Black Harlequin creeps up behind Debbie as a toy soldier putters after Punchinello. It's head rotates and crackles ominously) Black Harlequin: So, Debbie, is it? (He giggles violently, and spits out his teeth!) Still chasing dirty old men? JOKE! (He shouts as he shows the fake teeth to the audience and then tosses them over his head.) There is a loud explosion, some screaming, and a vendor's cap goes flying as hot dogs are blown into the air. Harlequin catches one. "Mmm. Could use a little salt." Debbie: Uh, yeah! So, Black Harlequin? How are you going to win tonight? Black Harlequin: That old poser's toys are so last century. Most modern fans don't even know what a Punchinello is. And soon, I'm going to have all kinds of fun! I'll even make sure there's a little something left for you, after the match, Debbie! He flashes her an evil clown smile. Debbie: Thanks, Blackie! And now, back to you, Johnny and Nick! Johnny: We'll be back right after this! Defender in a Jar: It'll be toy-riffic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted March 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Nick: We are back, and we have a special treat for you today. Advancing to the ring, in a classic three piece tuxedo, is the most amazing announcer you've ever seen, tonight, our contestants will be introduced by none other than Michael Buffer! Johnny: Joining our tuxedoed wunderkind in the ring will be the most popular referee on the circuit, even though his arm has been replaced by that of an ape... Defender in a Jar: You know him, you love him, he's...JUDGE MILLS LANE! (Michael Buffer gets into the ring, and walks to the Microphone) Buffer (Flexing, showing just how much he lives up to his name, grabbing the microphone): Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, we have a classic Champions Universal Deathmatch for you! Making his way to the ring at three foot six, and one hundred and sixty two pounds, he is the Patriarch of Toymaking, the Hunchback of Horror, the Developer of the Bloody Spin-Launch Razor Squirting Acid Flower, Punchinello! (Punchinello springs into the ring, leering nastily at the crowd. There are real springs on his feet, and he cocks his one good eye at them while he leers and twitches his hunched back) (The Crowd Boos) Punchinello: WHAT? You miserable freaks! I'll put you all in hamster wheels of death and feed you to your hamsters! What? You think they won't eat people? HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA! Buffer, gesturing to the opposite side of the ring. "And now, floating towards the ring on a giant levitating unicycle, his opponent! He's six foot one and weighs an astonishingly low one hundred and thirty five pounds! He is the Laughing Demon of Toy Destruction, the Clown Prince of Toycraft, the Demon of We Be Toys...The Black Harlequin" The Black Harlequin floats towards the ring and lands, the uncycle clattering to earth. He hurls it into the crowd and there's a dull roar, and another explosion! Bodies fly everywhere! Johnny: Wow, Black Harlequin's on a rampage! He must really hate Punchinello. He's killed six people, and the match hasn't even started yet! Nick: Well, there's only one death that matters, and that's the one in the ring, Johnny Michael Buffer: So are you ready? Crowd: We're ready! Michael Buffer: Tonight's referee is none other than Judge Mills Lane, and may I say that the new ape arm really does you good! Judge Mills Lane: Thanks Mike! (Flexes the Ape Arm) Michael Buffer: Then let's get ready to RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEE! Michael Buffer flees for the exit, knowing the carnage that is to come. Michael Buffer: I can't believe I took this gig. I can't believe I'm still alive! Judge Mills Lane: Thanks. Come over here, you two clowns, and I can say that freely, because you are clowns! You all know the rules! There aren't any! So do you have anything to say before you stop clowning around? Punchinello: What's a matta you, stupid Paisan! Get outta the way and let me kill him! Black Harlequin: You're not even a funny clown! You're a mean old sad clown! (Leans down) He holds out his hand to shake. Punchinello takes it. Judge Mills Lane: Right! Then you know what it's time for! LET'S GET IT ON! Johnny: Well, it looks like we're starting!! (The two pre-triggered exploding hands go off in a massive burst of fire and heat! Judge Mills Lane Dives for Cover, Punchinello Dives for Cover, Black Harlequin Dives for Cover. Phase 12 ends before it starts!) The ring is slightly on fire at this point, but everyone escapes without injury. Judge Lane is hanging from the scoreboard by his ape arm. Punchinello: You stole my exploding hand! Black Harlequin: It's an oldie but a goodie! Judge Lane: I'll allow it! (The Scoreboard Creaks Dangerously, yeah, you've seen this before, but this is what happens when you allow people to carry heavily armed military weaponry into an arena) Phase 1 The Scoreboard snaps free of it's restraints, and plummets downward with Judge Lane! Judge Lane: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Punchinello: Merda! Black Harlequin: Oh, !@#$%~! That's not funny! Judge Lane Leaps away from the scoreboard, and Black Harlequin and Punchinello dive for cover again! When the smoke clears, the ring is mostly occupied by the scoreboard, and there's a massive smoking hole in the center of the ring. Phase three also ends before it starts.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lawnmower Boy Posted March 21, 2009 Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! I'm really not seeing the need for the scoreboard. A trapeze suspended from the ceiling would serve Judge Lane's needs and cause a lot less carnage ....And never mind me, moving right along here.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted March 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Johnny: I can't believe it! Defender in a Jar: Oh, believe me, I believe it! Nick: Twin exploding hands! Amazing! It's like they're distorted mirror images of each other! Johnny: They couldn't wait to get started, and then they spent all their time getting out of the way. This could be a long, bloody day. Punchinello, Peeking up over the Edge of the ring: Somehow, I think he survived. My hat-a! My bells! (He reaches up and grabs it, the bells have been burned off) Black Harlequin, cackling quietly on the other side: Pretty funny, but no one died, so it's not funny enough...At least I had the bells on my clown hat made out of Questonite! There's no way his survived! (Lovingly pats his clown hat) Phase 5 Punchinello: You-a destroyed a my clown hat, you-a cheap imitatzi! Now I'm-a gonna messa you uppa, but good-a! Punchinello leaps into the rafters on his springy springs, and presses a button from a remote, hidden in his costume! Toy soldiers click to life and fire thousands of rounds at Black Harlequin, bullets flaring everywhere with horrid rat-a-tat-tat noises! Nick: Looks like Punchinello stashed some gear! Johnny; What, you think Black Harlequin hasn't? This is going to be a dirty fight all the way through! Black Harlequin: Yipe! You're pretty quick for an old guy! (Dodges) The bullets slam into the scoreboard and smash it up with loud pinging and shattering noises. Broken glass flies everywhere. Phase 8 Punchinello: Stand-a still, you skinny little fake! I'm a gonna rip-a you a new one! (He pauses and looks at Judge Lane.) Did I-a say that right? Punchinello flicks another switch on his remote, and the toy soldiers lock weapons and fire lasers at Black Harlequin! The Ring is sliced to pieces, along with the scoreboard! Judge Mills Lane: It's a freestyle match now! I'll allow it! Black Harlequin cackles, and pulls out a small cannonball from his pocket, and lights the fuse. Black Harlequin: Say goodbye, old man! Not like you had long to live anyway! I'm gonna rip out your catheter and feed it to you! The bomb explodes in the rafters, destroying several of the toy soldiers and knocking Punchinello off. Punchinello: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Punchinello lands on his feet, and his springy springs protect him!) SPROY-OY-OINGGGGGGGGGGGG Johnny: Well, that was impressive. First blood to Black Harlequin! Nick: But an impressive recovery by Punchinello! Saved by his springy springs! Who would have thought! Phase 10 Punchinello springs right for Black Harlequin, drawing out a large, massive expanding mallet from underneath his costume. Punchinello: Is this a hammer that I see before me? That's a little Shake-a-spear-a for a you, you un-a-couth yoot-a! Black Harlequin: The Mallet, the Mallet, and The Mallet, creeps in on heavy feet from day to day! See? I know it too...LOSER! YIPE (Dodges again) The Mallet SLAMS around Black Harlequin's entire head, and there's a heavy grinding sound followed by a horrible electrical crackle and a loud explosion of lightning! The Hammer is destroyed, and Punchinello is smoking from electrical burns. There's a nasty bloody rent around Black Harlequin's neck, and the remains of what looks like a saw blade! Punchinello is smoking horribly from the electrical feedback from the joy buzzer armor that Black Harlequin was wearing. Both are stunned for Con. Defender: Now THAT's what I call lethal! Johnny: I really can't disagree. That was really impressive! Nick: Was that really a head size hammer with a saw blade on the inside? Johnny: I think so. Defender: My jar...it...it's cracked. Nick: What? Defender: One of the toy soldiers must have got me... Johnny: It's okay. (Gets out some masking tape.) We'll take care of you, Defender in a Jar. You're one of us, now. Phase 12 Both combatants recover from being stunned while battling in the scoreboard rubble. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Balabanto Posted March 21, 2009 Author Report Share Posted March 21, 2009 Re: Champions Universal Deathmatch!!!!: Punchinello vs. The Black Harlequin!! Nick: And we're back, after this commercial break! You all done with that, Johnny? Johnny: (Testing Defender in a Jar's Structural Integrity) Yes, Nick, I think so. (Shaking hard) Defender in a Jar: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Johnny! Stop shaking meeeee....eeee....eeee! Phase 3 Nick: Down in the ring, Black Harlequin and Punchinello are just getting to their feet after a massive display of blood and gore. Johnny: Looks like Black Harlequin's bleeding from the neck! I don't know how long he's got! Nick: Punchinello came away better from that exchange! Punchinello: Heh...your electrical joy buzzer field was-a no matcha for my Hammeragrinder! Bet you weren't expecting that! Old age and treachery always win! Black Harlequin: But youth and treachery will get the girls and kill you! (Black Harlequin smiles evilly) Punchinello withdraws another remote from his toybelt. Johnny: This doesn't look good, Nick! Nick: No, not for anyone! (Hides behind the announcers booth while Defender and Johnny watch in horror) Punchinello: "I think-a you'll like this one. Death by clowns!" He flicks the switch, and toy clowns burst out from the nearby Nar-Cola vending stand. "And before you think you can use those robot planes you so cleverly hid in the Pizza Vendor, I alreadya reprogrammed your remote." I wish-a you could have been my son-a. Then I could havea taught you to do this the right way... Black Harlequin: No daddy of mine is-a gonna...STOP DOING THAT! I HATE THAT STUPID FAKE ACCENT! (Dodges) The Toy Clowns Shlumpf Forward and leap, covering Punchinello. Black Harlequin falls over laughing and giggling. "I snuck in and rewired your remote to target you. Hee...hee...hee." Punchinello: Yes...a...I know-a...that's a why it's a linked to your-a robot planes, and set on a one second-a delay-a. Black Harlequin: What? NO! YOU MESSED WITH MY TOYS! I'll Kill you! I'll...I'll... The Clowns Leap! The Robot Planes roar forward. Massive amounts of stuffing and gunfire fly about wildly in the confusion as Black Harlequin's blood leaks onto the ground from his neck... Black Harlequin: That was a pretty good trick, Daddy-O, but I'm still alive. Even with those poison darts you put into my robot planes. Pretty sneaky... Phase 5 Punchinello: Thank-sa for the complimento, but I'sa gotta kill you now. Punchinello pulls out a large, fuzzy looking pink toy ball. "Aww...look-a..." He says with a sly grin. "It'sa Fuzzo, the wonder carnivora!" There's a horrid meatgrinding sound and he hurls the fuzzy ball at Black Harlequin! Judge Mills Lane: I'll allow it! Black Harlequin deftly dodges the strange pink ball, which flies into the audience and eats Elizabeth Taylor's poodle! THere's a weird grinding noise, a shriek from Elizabeth Taylor, and a prerecorded belch from the machine! Black Harlequin: Now THAT'S funny! Another day, another pet destroyed! But since I'm not going to make it out of this arena alive, I'm going to have to do something really drastic! (Black Harlequin leaps for Punchinello's toybelt, and tries to grab it from the stunted midget! There's a wild, hideous scuffle as Black Harlequin gets the toybelt away from the evil burned midget clown!) Nick: Looks like this is it for Punchinello. I wonder what device the Black Harlequin will use to kill him! Johnny: This has been a wild one, but I think it's almost over! Phase 8 Punchinello: What'a? You think'a that's a gonna save-a you? Give-a me that back, you'a thiefa! Black Harlequin giggles madly as he deftly yanks the toybelt out of Punchinello's hands. Black Harlequin: Stupid, weak old man. Oh, look. The Spinning Flower Acid Squirter! Go, go, go! Black Harlequin giggles maniacally as he points Punchinello's own murderous toy at him, and fires. Punchinello: No! NO! You-a thief-a! The Spinning Flower Slams into Punchinello with a dire, horrible ripping noise, and it slams into the frail old man, ripping through his armor and out the back, as Punchinello slams into the Narcola vendor, and there's a horrible sound of all his bones breaking. Black Harlequin: And that...settles that...his neck makes a little hissing noise. OH...OH CRAP! I'm DYING! I'm DYING! MEDIC! MEDIC! It's not a Joke! Really! I'm bleeding to death here! Someone help meeeeeeeeeeeeee! Medics come running forward and put Black Harlequin on a stretcher. Judge Mills Lane: (Raising Black Harlequin's arm so that the medics can put him on an IV!) The winner, and possessor of the We Be Toys prize for the year...Black Harlequin! Black Harlequin: Thank you...I always wanted a Betsy Boffer Hooker Doll! Nick: There's a Betsy Boffer Hooker Doll? Johnny (Looking a little embarrassed): Yeah, and it's fully functional! Defender: Johnny, how could you! I had...fantasies...Kidding...Just Kidding...don't want to be destroyed by Luathon again!!!! Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez! Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond! Defender: And I'm Defender in a Taped Up Jar! Johnny, Nick, and Defender: Saying Good Fight, and Good Night! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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