Jokes

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

I've been trying to convince myself for weeks and weeks now that my Dad isn't stealing from his job as a road worker.

 

But when I got home all the signs were there.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

So I thought, I need to talk about this, get to have a proper heart to heart.

 

He's always loved animals, so I thought we'd go to the zoo first, give ourselves a good day.

 

The zoo only had one dog in it!

 

It was a Shih Tzu.

[Lucius]

Re: Jokes

 

As the sultan said to the governor, don't quit your dey job.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Order of the Palindromedary

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

As the sultan said to the governor, don't quit your dey job.

 

Lucius Alexander

 

Order of the Palindromedary

*Google*

 

*Whaps Lucius with Fish!*

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

Little Johnny is not doing well at Maths. His mother tries to help him along - positive reinforcement, extra tutoring, etc., etc., etc.. None of it works. Finally, in desperation, she enrolls him at the local Catholic school, reasoning that the extra discipline might help.

 

End of the first day at the new school. Johnny walks in the front door, kisses his mother hello, goes straight upstairs and IMMEDIATELY begins studying. He comes down for dinner then, afterwards, goes back upstairs for more studying. He keeps this up all week, all month and then all term, suddenly becoming the model student.

 

Not too surprisingly, when his term report card comes home, Johnny does well in all subjects, but especially in Maths. His mother is delighted, but is also very curious. Johnny is not too forth-coming about what has changed his ways, but his mother persists.

 

She finally says. "You should tell me, Johnny, Was it the extra discipline? Was it the uniform? The nuns? Surely there was something!"

 

Johnny sort of shuffles his feet, and finally says "It was on the first day, when I walked in the main door. I saw the guy they had nailed to the giant plus sign, and I knew then that they weren't messing around....".

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

Two friends met in the street. One man looked rather forlorn

and down in the mouth. The other man asked, "Hey, how come

you look like the whole world caved in?"

 

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an

uncle died and left me ten thousand dollars."

 

"I'm sorry to hear about the death, but a bit of good luck

for you, eh?"

 

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin

I never knew kicked the bucket and left me twenty thousand,

free and clear."

 

"Well, you can't be disappointed with that!"

 

"Yep. But, last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited

almost one hundred thousand dollars."

 

"Incredible! So how come you look so glum?"

 

"Well, this week ... nothing!"

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

A rich man walks into the Dean's Office at a small but

prestigious college and announces he'd like to donate several

million dollars to the institution.

 

"Why, that's very generous of you," says the dean. "But there

is one condition," replies the rich man. "I'd like an honorary

degree bestowed."

 

"That's no problem," says the dean, "no problem at all."

 

"I haven't finished," cautions the rich man. "I want an

honorary degree for my horse."

 

The dean gulps and says, "Your horse??"

 

"Yup, you bet," says the rich man. "She carried me for many

a year and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr D.--

a Doctor of Transportation degree."

 

"But, but, but," protests the dean, "we can't give a degree

to a horse. What will people think?"

 

"I thought you might say that. Well, I'll just take my

donation to another educational institution."

 

Seeing the millions slip through his fingers, the dean says,

"Wait, wait. Let me consult with the school trustees."

 

A hurried trustee meeting was called and the dean relays the

details of the deal. All of the board except the oldest member

reacted with shock and dismay. The oldest trustee almost

appeared to sleep through the meeting.

 

After all the arguments were made, this one old man says,

"Take the money and give the horse the degree."

 

The dean says, "What? Don't you think that would disgrace the

college?"

 

"Of course not," the old trustee counters. "Doing this would

be an honor and a feather in our cap. It would be the first

time we ever gave an honorary degree to the ENTIRE horse."

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

 

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

 

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

 

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

 

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

 

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

 

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

 

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

 

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

 

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

 

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

1. An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.

 

The dispatcher said, “Stay calm... An officer is on the way.”

 

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard,” he says. “She got in the back seat by mistake.”

 

 

2. Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

 

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don't know. I'll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses. “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

 

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood...” She then yells, “I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.”

 

 

3. Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”

 

“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”

 

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”

 

 

4. A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Super sex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Super sex.”

 

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take the soup.”

 

 

5. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

 

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

 

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

 

 

6. As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”

 

“Heck,” said Herman, “it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”

 

 

7. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

 

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

 

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, shit, am I driving?”

 

 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

What kind of car does a Japanese optometrist drive?

 

 

 

A cataract

 

 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

Not lookin at my thumb... Lol

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

Found on the web, though I've heard it before:

 

A frog goes into a bank and hops over to the loan officer's desk. He jumps up onto the chair and says to the officer, "Hi, what is your name?"

 

The officer says, "You can call me Mr. Padewak. What can I do for you?"

 

The frog replies, "I want a loan."

 

"OK," says Mr.Padewak, "let's fill out a loan application. What is your name?"

 

"Kermit," the frog says, "Kermit Jagger."

 

"Oh, any relation to Mick Jagger?" Padewak asks.

 

"Yeah, he's my Dad!" answers the frog.

 

"Wow," says Padewak. "Do you have any collateral?"

 

"Yes, I do," and the frog reaches into his pocket and pulls out a big, bright pink, ceramic elephant. He places it on the desk in front of Padewak.

 

Padewak scratches his head and says, "Excuse me for a moment." He then walks into the bank manager's office with the loan application and the elephant in hand.

 

Padewak says, "Uh, sir, there is this frog out there who wants a loan." He hands the manager the application. "He brought this, this...uh, well, I don't know what it is, for collateral!" He puts the shiny pink elephant on the manager's desk. "What should I do?"

 

The bank manager stands up and shouts, "It's a knick-knack, Padewak, give the frog a loan!! His old man's a Rolling Stone!!!!!!"

[John T]

Re: Jokes

 

Odd, I always thought a knick-knack looked like this:

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]40798[/ATTACH]

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

A doctor walks into a bar and orders a daiquiri. The bartender mixes the drink and, after a flash of inspiration, drops a hickory nut into the glass.

 

"What do you call it?" asked the doctor.

 

"It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Real question asked in a job interview.

 

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

 

 

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

 

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

 

 

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

 

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

 

"When you are going around in circles it's time to think outside the square" -- Me.

 

 

(postscript: does that "thinking outside the" box have Schrödinger's cat inside? just asking)

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

(postscript: does that "thinking outside the" box have Schrödinger's cat inside? just asking)

 

It does.

 

And it doesn't.

 

Simultaneously.

[matrix3]

Re: Jokes

 

Real question asked in a job interview.

 

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

 

 

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

 

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

 

 

Great find! Unfortunately, can't rep you yet.

[Roter Baron]

Re: Jokes

 

Got him for ya, Matrix3.

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

Re: Jokes

 

Real question asked in a job interview.

 

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

 

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

 

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

 

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

 

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

 

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

 

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered:

 

 

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

 

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

 

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

 

As much as I despise questions like that in a job interview, that's a great story.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

An old farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy," he replies.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Two children are in a doctor's waiting room, and one of them is crying.

"Why are you crying?" asked the other child.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger."

When he heard this, the other child started to cry.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm here for a urine test."

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

Bob walks into the doctor's office one day and declares "Doc, I want to be castrated."

 

The doctor is nonplussed, and does his damndest to talk Bob out of this notion, but Bob is adamant. At last the doctor concedes and schedules Bob for surgery.

 

The operation goes smoothly, and Bob awakens in the recovery room to see his next-door neighbor, Fred, lying in the next bed over.

 

"Fred? What are you doing here?"

 

"Well, I finally decided to go ahead and get circumcised."

 

"Dammit! THAT'S the word!"

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

 

 

(Spoilered because it gets worse....)

 

So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

 

Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

 

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is Au natural.

 

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.