Jokes

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

[Bazza]

That time I gave my work colleague's lemonade bottle a good shake unfortunately  it sprayed all over him. It was done out of Sprite

[Bazza]

A neighbour has a dog named John, but it is a bad dog. The owners are constantly yelling “Johnny be good”…

[Ockham's Spoon]

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that in English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.

A voice from the back of the room says, "Yeah, right."

[Cancer]

"It's only physics if it comes from the Physique region of France.  Otherwise it's just sparkling math."

[Bazza]

Well, that does describe string theory, and other theories to be sure. 

[Pariah]

Chameleon: "Put me on a sheet of glass."

 

Me: "I don't understand."

 

Chameleon: "Let me be clear."

[Bazza]

I don’t see it.

[Bazza]

🐝🐝🪨🪢🐝🐝

[Bazza]

A couple in their 90s are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup the doctor tells them that they're physically ok but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Do you want anything from the kitchen while I'm up?" he asks. "Sure will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He starts to walk away and she says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" "No I can remember that." She says, "Well I want strawberries on it too. Maybe you should write it down." He starts to get irritated and replies, "I don't have to write it down. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She says, "But I want whipped cream on top too. I'm sure you can't remember all that. You should really write it down." "Look my memory isn't that bad. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I got it for Pete's sake." He leaves and toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a second and then looks up at him and says, "See I knew you should have written it down. You forgot my toast."

[Pariah]

Me: "How many people work at your company?"

 

Him: "About half of them."

[Ockham's Spoon]

A man comes into a hospital with a broken leg. The attending physician asks, “How did this happen?”

“Well,” says the man, “twenty two years ago….”

“Wait,“ says the doctor, “what could something that happened over twenty years ago have anything to do with your broken leg?”

The man says, “Twenty two years ago I was driving on a country road at night and my car broke down. I didn’t know what to do and a farmer said that I could stay the night until I could get a mechanic or tow truck to come out the next day. In the middle of the night, the farmer’s daughter came to my bedroom and asked if there was anything I needed. ‘No,’ I said, ‘I don’t really need anything.’ She said, ‘Are you *sure* there isn’t *anything* I can do for you?’ ‘No thanks,’ I said, ‘I’m doing fine.’ This morning I realized what she meant and I fell off my roof.”

[Ockham's Spoon]

Sixth-grade science teacher Mrs. Polk asks her class:

"Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way.

"Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously.

"How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Polk is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted.

She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

"Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Polk.

"Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Polk then turns to Mary and says:

"Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:

First, it is clear that you have not done your homework.

Second, you have a dirty mind.

And third, one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

[Bazza]

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy." Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves & working in a mine. 

[Pariah]

I have a lactose-intolerant friend who owns an ice cream shop. He can dish it out, but he can't take it. 

[Bazza]

Eating too much cake is the sin of gluttony. However, eating too much pie is okay because the sin of pi is always zero.

[Bazza]

After dinner, my wife asked me if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.

 

[Bazza]

Most bald people still own a comb. They just can't part with it.

[Bazza]

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "I'Il listen to you for the rest of YOUR life." Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

 

[Bazza]

Buddha: Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Me taking notes: Buddha says make sure you give the poison to the OTHER guy. 

[Bazza]

Since this storm started my husband hasn't stopped looking through the window... If it gets any worse I will have to let him in.

[Bazza]

Visited my doctor today. He told me my sugar was too high. So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf.

 

[Bazza]

What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.

[Bazza]

ac•count•ant [uh-koun-tnt], n 1. the person in any business enterprise most likely to know what is actually going on, and least likely to be able to do anything about it.