Jokes

[Bazza]

Cheer. 

[Bazza]

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house.

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

 

When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

 

"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

 "Of course, you do," his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

[Pariah]

Evidence:

* Simone Biles is short (4'8" or 142 cm).

* She is unusually strong and resilient.

* She collects gold for a living.

* She would probably wreck you in a fight.

 

Conclusion:

* Simone Biles is a Dwarf.

[Bazza]

A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken.”

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

6 hours ago, Pariah said:

Evidence:

* Simone Biles is short (4'8" or 142 cm).

* She is unusually strong and resilient.

* She collects gold for a living.

* She would probably wreck you in a fight.

 

Conclusion:

* Simone Biles is a Dwarf.

 

This is being seriously debated on FB now. I hope you're happy. 

[unclevlad]

5 hours ago, Logan D. Hurricanes said:

 

This is being seriously debated on FB now. I hope you're happy. 

 

Of course, saying any debate on FB is serious is a joke in itself.

 

[Bazza]

"Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh could combine wardrobes and still have literally zero pants." 
Boss: "I meant does anyone have anything to add to this meeting."

[Bazza]

Do you have to have a current license to drive an electric car?

[Ockham's Spoon]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Luther, what exactly is your problem?”

Luther answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Luther: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Luther: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Luther both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Luther, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Luther replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Luther: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Luther: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Luther: "Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

[Pariah]

14 hours ago, Bazza said:

Do you have to have a current license to drive an electric car?

 

The next time you feel like making a joke like that, resist.

[Bazza]

Did you find that joke like your EV battery…flat? 

[Bazza]

I found a four leaf clover but I’m not going to iron it. I don’t want to press my luck

[wcw43921]

"Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

 

"Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?

 

"Well, after some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

 

"Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:

 

"A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, 'It might be nice to have another child.'

 

"But you never hear a guy say, 'You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.'

 

"I rest my case."

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

I injured my back in Egypt and had to see a Cairopractor.

[Bazza]

Was he running a pyramid scheme? 

[Pariah]

They all are, in my experience. 

 

Which leads me to another joke: 

 

What's the difference between doctors and chiropractors?

 

Doctors don't go around telling people that they're chiropractors.

[Bazza]

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, “Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker, and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

 

[Pariah]

Him: "What can I say? I'm a man of few words."

 

Me: "Maybe if you spent more time reading, you'd have a larger vocabulary."

 

 

Edited August 12 by Pariah
Annoying ytpo

[Bazza]

I was going to tell you a really bad bowling pun..
But I thought I'd spare you.

[Bazza]

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have? His friend answered, "Sixteen.. four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

[Bazza]

Step 1: Start a beer company named Responsibly. 

Step 2: Watch as every other beer company promotes you for free at the end of their commercials. 

Step 3: Enjoy your yacht. 

Edited August 11 by Bazza

[Pariah]

For a moment, I blanked on the fact that Kurt Cobain was the lead singer for Nirvana.

 

Now I feel stupid ... and contagious.

[Bazza]

Is a chimney free because it's on the house or does it cost a fortune because it's through the roof?

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

8 hours ago, Pariah said:

For a moment, I blanked on the fact that Kurt Cobain was the lead singer for Nirvana.

 

Now I feel stupid ... and contagious.

 

And... here we are now.

Entertain us. 

[Pariah]

What key do cows sing in?

 

Beef-flat.