Jokes

[Bazza]

A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords. She got a pen and paper and said “thank god for that, what are they”. 

 

[Bazza]

Paid my bills. Do not ask me to come out, I'm at home getting my moneys worth.

 

[Bazza]

Bugs Bunny won't accept files through Google Drive. He'll only accept a WhatsApp Doc. 

 

 

Edited August 3 by Bazza

[Bazza]

The worst pub I was ever in was called 'The Fiddle'. It was a vile inn.

[Bazza]

it's hilarious and awesome that we invented telephones, used them for a hundred years, and then collectively decided they were awkward and stressful and we just wanted to send very fast letters instead. 

[Bazza]

Pastor interrupts sermon to ask 3 men in the front row: "What would you want your loved ones to say as they are looking down at you in your coffin?"

Tom: That I was a good husband and father.

Bill: That I lived a good life of kindness to others.

Dan: "Look. He's moving!"

[Bazza]

Hackers need to step their game up and delete everyones loans, bad credit and mortgages.

[Bazza]

A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, "next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark." On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said, "Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, "You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark."

[BoloOfEarth]

17 hours ago, Ockham's Spoon said:

An ailing millionaire was nearing the end of his life. One day he was visited by his three closest buddies: a banker, a lawyer, and a politician. As they stood before their dying friend, he handed each of them an envelope. “Boys,” he said, “I never believed that we have to leave everything behind when we die. So, I’m handing you each an envelope with $1,000,000 inside. At my funeral, I’d like you to please slip your envelope into my coffin as you pass by and help me to live comfortably in the hereafter.”

 

Each man took his respective envelope and promised their old friend that they would follow through with his request. On the day of the funeral, the banker passed the open casket and discreetly placed his envelope inside. Next, the lawyer passed by and did the same. Finally, the politician followed suit.

At the end of the service, the three friends gathered outside. The banker said, “Fellas, I’ll have to admit, I didn’t put the whole $1,000,000 in the coffin. I kept $300,000 for myself.”

With a long face, the lawyer confessed, “Well, I actually kept $500,000 for myself. I need to get that off my chest.”

“Outrageous!” declared the politician, “The two of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I wrote him a check for the whole amount.”

 

Every time I've heard this joke, I've imagined the face of the politician if the check got cashed. 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

[Bazza]

My friend said meet me at the vinyl shop in 45. I made it there in 33, which was record time.

[Bazza]

Why do elephants drink?

To forget ...

[Bazza]

If I ever go missing, print my photo on wine or beer bottles. My friends would find me faster that way.
 

[Pariah]

22 hours ago, Bazza said:

Did You Know... In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.

 

Pariah ->  <- Bazza

 

But if you are going to tell that joke, you should also include the part about how the church launders the money using a number of seafood shops they run via monasteries, e g., the fish friars.

[Bazza]

Sorry, I don’t get it. 

[Ockham's Spoon]

There was a priest who led a poor congregation. He tried everything he could to raise money with pancake breakfasts, spaghetti dinners and all kinds of raffles, but none of them brought in the money the parish needed. He was driving by the track one day and figured maybe horse racing could do it for him. He checked out a horse auction but the going rate for a good racehorse was too high for his budget.

Being a man of God and faith, the priest settled on a donkey and entered him in a race. And to the surprise of everyone except perhaps a man of faith, the donkey came in third. A headline on the next day’s Racing Form read, “PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS.”

Thus inspired, he ran the donkey a second time and this time it won. The next day’s Racing Form read, “PRIEST’S ASS OUT IN FRONT.”

The bishop by this time had heard about the priest’s racing venture, and ordered him to stop as a poor parish couldn’t easily stand up to negative publicity. The headline next day read “BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST’S ASS.”

The bishop ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey immediately so he gave it to the Mother Superior of the convent down the road. The headline read “NUN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN” and the bishop fainted at the breakfast table.

Mother Superior, overcome with guilt, sold the donkey to a farmer just outside the city and the Racing Form read next morning, “NUN SELLS HER ASS FOR TWENTY DOLLARS.”

They buried the bishop the next day.

[Pariah]

One of my favorite things about the Olympic games is listening to each nation's anthem when their athletes receive the gold medal.

 

What can I say? I like country music.

[Bazza]

Our bodies are mostly water so we’re basically just watermelons with anxiety. 🍉  🙃  

[Bazza]

1 hour ago, Pariah said:

One of my favorite things about the Olympic games is listening to each nation's anthem when their athletes receive the gold medal.

 

What can I say? I like country music.

I like those anthems from Occidental nations. What can I say? I like country AND WESTERN music.  

[Ockham's Spoon]

After years of paddling their two-person kayak along the shores of Lake Michigan, two friends accepted a challenge to paddle across the entire lake. After several hours, the wind was picking up and they were freezing, with the opposite shore nowhere in sight.

In desperation they decided to light a fire in their kayak, which burnt a hole in the middle, causing them to sink.

This proves the old adage, you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

[Pariah]

There was once a man who was obsessed with trains. He was so obsessed that he actually managed to steal one. As he tried navigating it, though, he caused it to jump the track and crash into local traffic, resulting in multiple fatalities.

 

The man was tried for multiple counts of homicide, found guilty, and sentenced to the electric chair. The night before his execution he was offered a last meal. He said, "A single banana, please." The guards thought it was strange, but brought him his banana.

 

The next day the man was strapped into the electric chair. When the warden flipped the switch, nothing happened. He tried multiple times, but the chair never activated. Since the man couldn't be punished again for the crime, the prison was forced to release him.

 

After only a few weeks, the man once again stole a train and crashed it, again resulting in loss of life. He was again tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed. When offered his last meal, he again chose a single banana, which the guards dutifully brought him.

 

Sure enough, the following day after he man was strapped into the electric chair, the warden flipped the switch and nothing happened. Again the prison was forced to let the man go.

 

It wasn't even a week later when the train-obsessed man hijacked yet another train. But he still couldn't drive it properly, and again the train crashed with fatal results. For the third time the man was tried, and for the third time convicted and sentenced to the electric chair.

 

On the night before the execution, the guards didn't bother to ask what the man wanted. They simply brought him a plate of spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and a salad. "But I only want a banana," the man protested. "Tough luck," the guard told him. "There's no way you're getting another banana."

 

So the man was led to the chair the following day and strapped in. With a smirk, the warden said, "Let's see how you like the electric chair this time." He flipped the switch ... and again nothing happened. The warder ranted and raved and swore, but he couldn't get the electric chair to work. Once again, they were forced to let the man go.

 

On his way out, one of the guards approached the man. "Look," the guard said, "I just have to know how you did it. What is it about the banana that lets you survive the chair?"

 

"Oh, the banana has nothing to do with it," the man replied. "I'm just a really bad conductor."

[Pariah]

In ancient Rome, there were four main types of poisons.

 

Poison I, poison II,and poison III would all kill you pretty quickly.

 

But poison IV would just make you itchy.

[Bazza]

Don’t get it. Sorry. 

[Logan D. Hurricanes]

10 hours ago, Pariah said:

There was once a man who was obsessed with trains. He was so obsessed that he actually managed to steal one. As he tried navigating it, though, he caused it to jump the track and crash into local traffic, resulting in multiple fatalities.

 

The man was tried for multiple counts of homicide, found guilty, and sentenced to the electric chair. The night before his execution he was offered a last meal. He said, "A single banana, please." The guards thought it was strange, but brought him his banana.

 

The next day the man was strapped into the electric chair. When the warden flipped the switch, nothing happened. He tried multiple times, but the chair never activated. Since the man couldn't be punished again for the crime, the prison was forced to release him.

 

After only a few weeks, the man once again stole a train and crashed it, again resulting in loss of life. He was again tried, convicted, and sentenced to be executed. When offered his last meal, he again chose a single banana, which the guards dutifully brought him.

 

Sure enough, the following day after he man was strapped into the electric chair, the warden flipped the switch and nothing happened. Again the prison was forced to let the man go.

 

It wasn't even a week later when the train-obsessed man hijacked yet another train. But he still couldn't drive it properly, and again the train crashed with fatal results. For the third time the man was tried, and for the third time convicted and sentenced to the electric chair.

 

On the night before the execution, the guards didn't bother to ask what the man wanted. They simply brought him a plate of spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and a salad. "But I only want a banana," the man protested. "Tough luck," the guard told him. "There's no way you're getting another banana."

 

So the man was led to the chair the following day and strapped in. With a smirk, the warden said, "Let's see how you like the electric chair this time." He flipped the switch ... and again nothing happened. The warder ranted and raved and swore, but he couldn't get the electric chair to work. Once again, they were forced to let the man go.

 

On his way out, one of the guards approached the man. "Look," the guard said, "I just have to know how you did it. What is it about the banana that lets you survive the chair?"

 

"Oh, the banana has nothing to do with it," the man replied. "I'm just a really bad conductor."

 

[Ockham's Spoon]

19 hours ago, Bazza said:

Don’t get it. Sorry. 

Don't read IV as '4', read as 'ivy'