Bazza Posted July 10 Report Share Posted July 10 Did you hear about the hillbilly Amish? The front yard had a horse up on blocks. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 10 Report Share Posted July 10 My daughter is a chatterbox. I told her she should start a 12 step self help group called On Anon Anon. Ranxerox 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 Seismologist makes ground breaking research Ranxerox 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 A blind man walks into a pub and finds himself a seat at the bar, he orders a pint and the barman brings it to him. He says to the barman “Do you want to hear a good dumb blonde joke?” The barman says “Look mate, I know you can't see, but I'm six foot seven, and I'm an ex pro wrestler and I'm blonde. The guy sat to your left is my mate John who's an ex heavyweight boxer and he's blonde. The guy on your right just got out of prison for beating four guys half to death and he's blonde. Also sat at the table just behind you are two special forces guys on leave and both of them are blonde. So do you still want to tell your dumb blonde joke?” And he says “Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times.” Pariah and Ranxerox 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 How can funeral homes keep raising their prices and blame it on "the cost of living"? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 Patient: "Doc, you've been great. I feel like we have a real connection. Will you visit me after I leave the hospital?" Doctor: "I'm sorry, but no. Cemeteries creep me out." Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 The word incorrectly is spelt ‘incorrectly’ in every dictionary. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 I stubbed my toe on a chair… I got mad and kicked the chair, boy was that a mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 (edited) I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room and eat my vegetables. Turns out I was on the mothership. Edited July 12 by Bazza Ranxerox, BoloOfEarth and mattingly 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 (edited) HUSBAND: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother. WIFE: Why does it say, "Do not resuscitate?" Edited July 11 by Bazza Pariah and mattingly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 I Couldn't Find A Parking Spot Today At Work. So l Went Home. Looked Like They Had Enough People. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 11 Report Share Posted July 11 DITCHER, QUICK & HYDE. ~ DIVORCE LAWYERS Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 I use an extra sensitive toothpaste. It doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 So how long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working? Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 Me: Don't try me. Them: I thought you were a Christian? Me: Yea, but I'm from the south side of the kingdom. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 .ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ Ockham's Spoon, Pariah and Christougher 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 Need a job? Join the Search and Rescue Team ... They're always looking for someone. Ranxerox and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 People always seem really surprised when they find out I have a police record. What can I say? Synchronicity was a great album. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 I was driving down the street the other day when I saw my ex walking nearby. It's amazing how the phrase "I'd hit that" can have vastly different meanings at different points in one's life. Ockham's Spoon, Logan D. Hurricanes and BoloOfEarth 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted July 12 Report Share Posted July 12 1 hour ago, Pariah said: I was driving down the street the other day when I saw my ex walking nearby. It's amazing how the phrase "I'd hit that" can have vastly different meanings at different points in one's life. I dated a girl (Jennifer) back in college. She dumped me, rather harshly... and then began dating my friend (who was my roommate while I was dating her). Then she dumped him, same way. (Refused to talk to him or even acknowledge his presence, wouldn't even say they were done, just pretended he didn't exist.) About a year later, they started dating again (guess he was a glutton for punishment) but then after a while she dumped him again. A few months after *that* he told me, "Oh, by the way, I ran into Jennifer the other day." I replied, "Let me guess. You had to drive over the curb and through a hedge, but you got her anyway." Strangely, he didn't find it nearly as amusing as I did. Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 13 Report Share Posted July 13 A guy shows up for work on Monday with a black eye. His co-worker asks what happened. "Well, I was in church yesterday, sitting in the pew behind the pastor's wife. She is a big woman, and when we stood up, I noticed that her skirt was wedged into her cheeks. Well, I didn't want her to be embarrassed by that, so I pulled the skirt out, and she turned around an slugged me. I guess I learned my lesson." The following Monday, the guy comes into work with his other eye black and blue. He co-worker asks what happened this time. "I was sitting behind the pastor's wife in church, and when we stood up, her skirt was hanging free and clear. Well, I knew she didn't like it that way, so I tucked it back in between her cheeks, and she slugged me again!" Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 13 Report Share Posted July 13 Wife: Do you want me to make you some lunch? Me: Sure. What are my options? Wife: Yes or No. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 13 Report Share Posted July 13 The pet store said this dog could retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away but that seems a little far fetched to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 13 Report Share Posted July 13 My inflatable house suffered a puncture last night. Now I'm living in a flat. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 14 Report Share Posted July 14 Me: doctor I have a problem of forgeting Doctor: when did it start? Me: which problem? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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