Jokes

[Bazza]

Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your children.

[Bazza]

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe. 
Me: What do you sell here. 
Waitress: Just desserts. 

[Bazza]

Dr. Pepper got his doctorate in theoretical fizzics.

[Bazza]

TAKING STEPS TO OVERCOME MY HIKING ADDICTION. I'M NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET. 

[Pariah]

Choose a major that you love, and you will never work a day in your life.

 

Primarily because there are no jobs in that field.

[Pariah]

What's the definition of perfect pitch?

 

Tossing a banjo into a dumpster and having it hit an accordion.

[Bazza]

FIRST DATE

It was the end of my first date with Sue.  

I have been really attracted to Sue for sometime and was thrilled to get the date.  The date had gone so well and I felt a real chemistry and compatibility between us. Emboldened by how well the night went I decided to try for that important first kiss. 

With an air of confidence, I leaned my hand up against the wall, and said, “Sue, darling how ‘bout a good night kiss?”

Horrified Sue replied, “Are you nuts? My parents will surely see us. A kiss is supposed to be private. No way.”

I replied, “At this hour? I’m sure they’re in bed asleep.  No one’s going to see us. I’m sure.”

Sue replied, “No, it’s embarrassing if people see us. It’s none of their business.”

Me “but they’re all sleeping”

Sue, “No way it’s too risky”

Suddenly, out of the blue the porch light turns on. The door opens and Sue sister Betsy shows up in her nightgown, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice says, “Dad says, ‘Give him a kiss, OR I can do it, OR, if need be he’ll come down himself and kiss you BUT, for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

[BoloOfEarth]

7 hours ago, Bazza said:

FIRST DATE

It was the end of my first date with Sue.  

I have been really attracted to Sue for sometime and was thrilled to get the date.  The date had gone so well and I felt a real chemistry and compatibility between us. Emboldened by how well the night went I decided to try for that important first kiss. 

With an air of confidence, I leaned my hand up against the wall, and said, “Sue, darling how ‘bout a good night kiss?”

Horrified Sue replied, “Are you nuts? My parents will surely see us. A kiss is supposed to be private. No way.”

I replied, “At this hour? I’m sure they’re in bed asleep.  No one’s going to see us. I’m sure.”

Sue replied, “No, it’s embarrassing if people see us. It’s none of their business.”

Me “but they’re all sleeping”

Sue, “No way it’s too risky”

Suddenly, out of the blue the porch light turns on. The door opens and Sue sister Betsy shows up in her nightgown, hair dishevelled, and in a sleepy voice says, “Dad says, ‘Give him a kiss, OR I can do it, OR, if need be he’ll come down himself and kiss you BUT, for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!”

 

Wasn't this a commercial, but it was a *bit* more than a kiss he was asking for?

 

Edit to add:  Yep.  

 

 

Edited Wednesday at 12:38 PM by BoloOfEarth

[Bazza]

Why did the spaghetti noodle go to church on sunday?

Because he was a pasta!

[Pariah]

Me: "Hey, Doc, I read the other day that there are health benefits from sleeping with your feet slightly higher than your head. Is that a good thing to do?"

 

Doctor: "If you're so inclined."

[Bazza]

I'm going to make a Voodoo Doll of myself. And then, give it a back rub.

[Bazza]

WARNING. Retired person on the premises. Knows everything and has plenty of time to tell it.

[Bazza]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

Edited Friday at 11:24 AM by Bazza

[Bazza]

Lesser Known Knights of the Round Table
• The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render
• The knight no one believed: Sir Real
• The knight too big to sit at the table: Sir Round
• The knight who designed the table: Sir Cumference
• The undercover knight: Sir Veillance
• The knight who was never killed in battle: Sir Vivor
• The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Passed
• The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prize
• The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount
• The knight who funded the kingdom: Sir Tax
• The knight who kept the maps up-to-date: Sir Veyor
• The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis
• The knight who stood in for the king: Sir Rogate
• The knight who stood out among the rest: Sir Perb
• The knight with the fragile ego: Sir Amic
• The knight who performed in three rings: Sir Cus
• The saddest knight of all: Sir Rowful
• The knight who wasn't needed: Sir Perfluous
• The knight who liked to dance: Sir Prance Alot

[Bazza]

Of all the bears that could kill me, the gummy ones have come the closest.

[Pariah]

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the Euros? 

 

Spoiler

Spectator.

 

[Bazza]

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people.
 
We haven't met yet.

[Ockham's Spoon]

A man is having breakfast in his posh suburban house one Sunday morning when there’s a knock on the front door. Opening it, he’s greeted by a little guy in overalls.

“Top o’ the mornin’ to ye sor”, says the visitor. (You can do a broad Irish accent in your head). “Sorry to be bothering’ ye, but I was jest wonderin’ – did ye have any little jobs that needed doin’ around the house at all?”

The man looks at him suspiciously. “What kind of jobs can you do?” he asks.

“Oh, to be sure, I can do anything at all sor. I’m a painter by trade, mind you.”

“Actually,” says the man, “my porch does need painting. How much would you charge for that?”

The haggle for a bit and agree on a price. “But I’m only paying you if you do a good job,” says the man. “Let me know when you’ve finished the first coat and I’ll come and check your work.”

He hands the workman a big can of yellow paint and a brush and closes the door.

Fifteen minutes later, there’s another knock at the door, and the guy is there all splashed with yellow paint looking pleased with himself. “First coat all done, sor,” he says.

“My goodness, that was quick,” says the man.

“Now, didn’t I tell ye already I’m a good worker?” says the guy. And then he adds, confidentially, “But ye know sor, it’s not actually a Porch at all. It’s a Ferrari.”

[Ockham's Spoon]

Police report two men broke into a local pharmacy and stole a large quantity of Viagra.  They have asked the public to be on the lookout for two hardened criminals.

[Pariah]

Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast?

 

Because one egg is un oeuf.

[Bazza]

When my son says, "Where's Mom?" that's the kid version of, "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

[Ockham's Spoon]

Two old guys were sitting at the pub one evening discussing the sad state of sexual morality these days.

“I didn’t sleep with my wife before we were married!” says the first one. “Did you?”

“I don’t recall for sure.” answered the second. “What was her maiden name again?”