Bazza Posted June 21 Report Share Posted June 21 I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 21 Report Share Posted June 21 Read the vowels in Celine Dion out loud. Thank you. wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 21 Report Share Posted June 21 A Florida elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in the high wind ?" "Yes I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your unmentionables’ are exposed!" Said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"🫣 Pariah and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 21 Report Share Posted June 21 Some woman with road rage has just lent out of her window and shouted “I’m going to make your life a living hell”. I yelled back “Thanks , but I’m not looking for a relationship right now”. Rails, Cancer and Pariah 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 21 Report Share Posted June 21 Needing to take a break on a long road trip, a man stops at a grubby diner, the only building he has seen for miles. He sits down at the counter, while the only employee, a harsh looking woman, just glares at him. She does not offer him a greeting or a menu, but there is a small sign on the counter that reads "Pie, coffee, and a kind word, $5" "I'll have the pie, coffee, and kind word," he says pointing at the sign. The woman pours him a cup of coffee that smells like asphalt and fetches a sad-looking piece of pie sitting on a dirty plate from a case on the counter covered in flies. The man looks at the food with trepidation, and says "Um, thank you. So, the sign says this comes with a kind word." The woman looks him in the eye and says "Don't eat the pie." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 21 Report Share Posted June 21 Leonardo DiCaprio recently announced that he will no longer play Counter Strike, as the game just turned 25 years old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 22 Report Share Posted June 22 A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 22 Report Share Posted June 22 (edited) Rare worn down pencil belonging to William Shakespeare has been unearthed. Experts not sure if the pencil is 2B or not 2B. Edited June 22 by Bazza Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 22 Report Share Posted June 22 Did you know Yoda had a last name? It was Layheehoo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 22 Report Share Posted June 22 Them: Are you a texter or a facetimer? Me: A do not disturber. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 22 Report Share Posted June 22 How to write "I changed a lightbulb" on your resume: "Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of a new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns and no safety incidents.” Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 22 Report Share Posted June 22 BoloOfEarth, wcw43921, Pariah and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 22 Report Share Posted June 22 My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer" by The Monkees because she found it annoying. At first, I thought she was kidding. But then I saw her face.. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 23 Report Share Posted June 23 Me: "Don't talk to me before I've had my coffee. Never talk before coffee." Them: "But you don't drink coffee." Me: "Exactly." Ockham's Spoon and slikmar 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 23 Report Share Posted June 23 (edited) Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's chicken was cooked in Olive Oil. Extra virgin olive oil…? Edited June 23 by Bazza wcw43921 and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 23 Report Share Posted June 23 My wife complained that I never buy her jewelry but I didn't even know she sold jewelry. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 24 Report Share Posted June 24 A successful investment banker parked his brand new Porsche in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a panel truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off the driver's side. The driver of the truck got out to survey the damage, and the banker immediately started screaming in his face about how his car, which he just picked up that day, complete with custom features and detailing, was completely ruined and would never be the same again. The truck driver tried apologizing repeatedly, but the banker just kept cutting him off with obscenities and threats of legal action. After the banker finally finished his rant, the truck shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you finance guys are," he said "You're so focused on your possessions, you don't care about anything else!" "How can you say that?" asked the banker, angrily. The truck driver replied, "Didn't you realize that your left arm is missing from your elbow down? It's been completely torn off from when the truck hit you!" The banker looked down in absolute horror. "%@*&ing $#!+!" he screamed... "Where's my Rolex!?" Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 24 Report Share Posted June 24 I JUST ASKED MYSELF IF I'M CRAZY AND WE ALL SAID NO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 24 Report Share Posted June 24 23 hours ago, Bazza said: Wouldn't it be ironic if Popeye's chicken was cooked in Olive Oil. Extra virgin olive oil…? What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the snot out of him. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted June 24 Report Share Posted June 24 I'm thinking of getting laser eye surgery. I mean, won't it be cool to be able to shoot laser beams from my eyes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 24 Report Share Posted June 24 I learned today that there is a university in New Hampshire where you can major in ice hockey. It's not a traditional 4-year degree; it's a 5-minute major. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 25 Report Share Posted June 25 My wife says I talk while I sleep, but I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it. 🤷♂️ Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 25 Report Share Posted June 25 Bible jokes What is a physics teacher’s favorite Bible verse? Romans 8:39: “Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord Why wasn’t Boaz a nice man before he got married? He was Ruth-less. Aside from Adam & Eve, who in the Bible had no parents? Joshua, son of Nun (“none”). What type of car would Jesus drive? A Christler. Who was the smartest person in the Bible? Abraham, he knew a Lot. Who was the first person in the Bible to swear? Job - He cursed the day he was born! How do we know God loves baseball? Well he started his book "In the big-inning" When was Joseph mentioned playing tennis? When he served in Pharaoh's court. What is a mathematician’s favorite Bible book? Numbers What did God have to say to Jesus? “I am your father, Jesus. Where can we find evidence that Jesus egged people in the Bible?“Take my yoke upon you,” He says in Matthew 11:29-30. How are toddlers and those who attempted to build a tower to Heaven similar? They all babble. Why is it that Jesus cannot wear necklaces? Because He is the one who breaks every chain. How do pastors like their orange juice? With pulpit. What did the lawyer ask when someone started talking about God’s will? “Was it notarized?” Who in the Bible had the greatest business plans? The prophets. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 25 Report Share Posted June 25 My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect. And for that I am eternally grapefruit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wcw43921 Posted June 25 Report Share Posted June 25 Vacation '58 Saw this linked on Facebook and thought I'd pass it along. The original story that inspired the National Lampoon's Vacation movies. The catastrophe is even bigger in the story, if you can believe it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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