Pariah Posted May 28 Report Share Posted May 28 There's a terrible bus crash in the country; the three survivors are a Jewish man, a Hindu man, and a Karen. After walking for a while they find a cabin. They knock on the door and an elderly man greets them and invites them in. He says he's just sitting down to supper - leg of lamb - and offers them some. The two men are grateful for the man's hospitality, but Karen complains through the whole meal. The cabin's too small, she can't eat the food because she's a vegan, there are big bugs, etc. After dinner the old man offers them all a place to sleep. 'I've only got two extra beds," he says, "so one of you will have to sleep in the barn. But it's really very comfortable." The Jewish man immediately volunteers to sleep in the barn. But after a few minutes he comes back and knocks on the door. "I'm sorry," he says, "but there's a pig in the barn, and I just can't stay there." The Hindu man then volunteers to go out to the barn. But after a few minutes there comes another knock on the door. It's the Hindu man. "I'm sorry, but I can't stay in the barn either. There's a cow out there, and it just wouldn't be right." At this point the Karen is fuming, but is ultimately persuaded to go out to the barn. After a few minutes, there comes a knock at the door. It's the pig and the cow. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 29 Report Share Posted May 29 Warning: There are a few naughty words and hand gestures. Given that it's about Umbridge, that's probably not unexpected. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 29 Report Share Posted May 29 1 hour ago, Pariah said: There's a terrible bus crash in the country; the three survivors are a Jewish man, a Hindu man, and a Karen. After walking for a while they find a cabin. They knock on the door and an elderly man greets them and invites them in. He says he's just sitting down to supper - leg of lamb - and offers them some. The two men are grateful for the man's hospitality, but Karen complains through the whole meal. The cabin's too small, she can't eat the food because she's a vegan, there are big bugs, etc. After dinner the old man offers them all a place to sleep. 'I've only got two extra beds," he says, "so one of you will have to sleep in the barn. But it's really very comfortable." The Jewish man immediately volunteers to sleep in the barn. But after a few minutes he comes back and knocks on the door. "I'm sorry," he says, "but there's a pig in the barn, and I just can't stay there." The Hindu man then volunteers to go out to the barn. But after a few minutes there comes another knock on the door. It's the Hindu man. "I'm sorry, but I can't stay in the barn either. There's a cow out there, and it just wouldn't be right." At this point the Karen is fuming, but is ultimately persuaded to go out to the barn. After a few minutes, there comes a knock at the door. It's the pig and the cow. Makes sense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 29 Report Share Posted May 29 Looking back on your wedding day, what are some things that you would change. Woman: The groom... Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted May 30 Report Share Posted May 30 On 5/29/2024 at 11:54 AM, Bazza said: Looking back on your wedding day, what are some things that you would change. Woman: The groom... This reminds me about the guy who walked into his house to find his wife watching something on TV and shouting at the screen, "Don't go in! It's a trap!" Turns out, she was watching the video of their wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 31 Report Share Posted May 31 My wife tried to beat me in Scrabble last night, but I wooden letter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 31 Report Share Posted May 31 Lightning struck me but didn’t hurt me. Like the Beatles record, I have a rubber soul… Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 31 Report Share Posted May 31 Hobbit should have been 4 films, three films was a little short. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 1 Report Share Posted June 1 wcw43921 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 1 Report Share Posted June 1 I’ll be here all week. Remember to tip Rosie at The Green Dragon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 1 Report Share Posted June 1 23 hours ago, Bazza said: Hobbit should have been 4 films, three films was a little short. "Bilbo; Bilbo Baggins... he's only three films tall!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 1 Report Share Posted June 1 There are 10 kinds of people in this world: Those who understand binary Those who don't Those who weren't expecting a joke in base 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 1 Report Share Posted June 1 • or base four Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 3 Report Share Posted June 3 An American man and his wife were driving for hours through Canada, not even sure where they were. The husband eventually says, “I gotta stop for gas.” His wife says, “Find out where we are.” The husband gets gas, and goes into the service station, pays, and asks the attendant, “Can you tell me where we are now?” The attendant looks at him and says, “Saskatoon. Saskatchewan.” The husband gets back into the car and the wife asks, “Where are we?” The husband says, “He doesn’t speak English.” mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 3 Report Share Posted June 3 Last night my son said to me, "I just wanted to let you know there's a small get-together after school tomorrow." "All right," I said, "how small are we talking about?" "Just you and me and Mom and the principal." mattingly and Rails 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 3 Report Share Posted June 3 What's the difference between a conductor and a French horn player? Spoiler Two measures. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rails Posted June 4 Report Share Posted June 4 From a French horn player: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play all wrong notes. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 6 Report Share Posted June 6 I have a pet termite named Clint, Clint Eats-wood. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 6 Report Share Posted June 6 I might have to change my optometrist as we don't see eye-to-eye. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 6 Report Share Posted June 6 When I moved out of state for college, I lived in a basement apartment with 6-foot ceilings. I'm 6 feet 3 inches tall. I couldn't stand living there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted June 6 Report Share Posted June 6 I wouldn’t take that lying down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 8 Report Share Posted June 8 Overheard at a car dealership: Car dealer: "Now this model here can sit six people without any problems." Customer: "Yeah, but I don't think I even know six people without any problems." BoloOfEarth, DentArthurDent and Rails 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 9 Report Share Posted June 9 A guy jogging through the park decides to take a rest break and sits down on a bench next to an old man. As he drinks some water he notices the old man has a bowl of nuts in his lap, so just to be friendly he asks "So are you feeding nuts to the squirrels?" The old man replies, "No, the nuts were a gift for me from my brother, but I can't eat them because I don't have any teeth anymore. You're welcome to have them if you like." The jogger is feeling peckish from his run and so thanks the old man and tosses a handful of nuts in his mouth. "Gee, seems odd that your brother would give you nuts if you can't eat them." he says between bites. "Oh no, it's not like that." the old man says. "They used to have chocolate on them." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 10 Report Share Posted June 10 A couple went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors' special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and toast for $2.99. “Sounds good,” the wife said “but I don't want the eggs.” “Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,” the waiter warned her. “You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?” the wife asked incredulously. “I'm afraid so,” stated the waiter. “I'll take the special then,” the wife said. “Great. How do you want your eggs?“ the waiter asked. “Raw and in the shell,” the wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DentArthurDent and slikmar 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted June 11 Report Share Posted June 11 A member of one of a quiet, exclusive gentleman's club beckons a steward over to him quietly. In a soft voice he says: “I do believe you should inquire about Lord Fulham over there. He's asleep under a copy of the Times.” The steward replies also in a hushed tone: “That's quite normal for His Lordship.” “Perhaps, but is it normal for it to be yesterday's Times?” DentArthurDent and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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