Bazza Posted April 13, 2008 Report Share Posted April 13, 2008 Re: Jokes There's an entire thread dedicated to repping Hermit? Wow' date=' those moderator powers really have gone to his head... [/quote'] and his rep-account. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Obvious Posted April 14, 2008 Report Share Posted April 14, 2008 Re: Jokes Amazing Simple Home Remedies 1. If You're Choking On An Ice Cube, Simply Pour A Cup Of Boiling Water Down Your Throat. Presto! The Blockage Will Instantly Remove Itself. 2. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables By Getting Someone Else To Hold The Vegetables While You Chop. 3. Avoid Arguments With The Females About Lifting The Toilet Seat By Using The Sink. 4. For High Blood Pressure Sufferers ~ Simply Cut Yourself And Bleed For A Few Minutes, Thus Reducing The Pressure On Your Veins. Remember To Use A Timer. 5. A Mouse Trap Placed On Top Of Your Alarm Clock Will Prevent You From Rolling Over And Going Back To Sleep After You Hit The Snooze Button. 6. If You Have A Bad Cough, Take A Large Dose Of Laxatives. Then You'll Be Afraid To Cough. 7. You Only Need Two Tools In Life - Wd-40 And Duct Tape. If It Doesn't Move And Should, Use The Wd-40. If It Shouldn't Move And Does, Use The Duct Tape.. 8. Remember - Everyone Seems Normal Until You Get To Know Them. 9. If You Can't Fix It With A Hammer, You've Got An Electrical Problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 16, 2008 Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 Re: Jokes When you swim in a creek, And an eel bites your cheek.... That's a moray. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted April 16, 2008 Report Share Posted April 16, 2008 Re: Jokes I wasn't sure how much money I had in my savings account, so I asked the teller to check my balance. So she pushed me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted April 21, 2008 Report Share Posted April 21, 2008 Re: Jokes Possibly NSFW put in spoiler tags to be discreet. Q: What does Star Trek and a roll of toilet paper have in common? A: They both fly around Uranus wiping out cling on's. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lucius Posted April 22, 2008 Report Share Posted April 22, 2008 Re: Jokes Possibly NSFW put in spoiler tags to be discreet. Q: What does Star Trek and a roll of toilet paper have in common? A: They both fly around Uranus wiping out cling on's. The phrase you want is "The Enterprise" not "Star Trek." Lucius Alexander Palindromedary trek Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheQuestionMan Posted April 22, 2008 Report Share Posted April 22, 2008 Re: Jokes A Scotsman, visiting the US, is in Detroit and goes to his first baseball game. He's never even seen baseball played before, so it's a very new and exciting experience for him. At one point, a batter hits a grounder and dashes to first base. Everybody around the Scotsman jumps up, screaming, "Run! Run!" and the Scotsman shrugs. When in Rome, he thinks, and stands up to shout, "Run, ye fool! Run!!!" This being a Tigers game, it takes a while before the next guy gets on base, and he gets there by a walk. As the batter tosses aside his bat and jogs toward first, the Scotsman stands and screams, "RUN, YE BLOODY FOOL! RUN!!!" The woman next to the Scotsman tugs on his sleeve and says, "He doesn't have to run. He got four balls." The Scotsman is stunned at first at this news, but recovers quickly and shouts, "WALK WI' PRIDE, MAN! WALK WI' PRIDE!!!" Thanks QM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 22, 2008 Report Share Posted April 22, 2008 Re: Jokes A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer. Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!''' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted April 22, 2008 Report Share Posted April 22, 2008 Re: Jokes Q: What do you call a haole surrounded by three Samoans? A: Doomed. Q: What do you call a haole surrounded by five Samoans? A: Coach. Q: What do you call a haole surrounded by ten Samoans? A: Quarterback. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Karmakaze Posted April 22, 2008 Report Share Posted April 22, 2008 Re: Jokes Why are New Yorkers always depressed? The light at the end of their tunnel is New Jersey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 23, 2008 Report Share Posted April 23, 2008 Re: Jokes Kids are Quick TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile"? GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L TEACHER: No, that's wrong. GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O. TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: Me! TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty? GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand. TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook. TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AliceTheOwl Posted April 23, 2008 Report Share Posted April 23, 2008 Re: Jokes A co-worker told this one at the morning meeting. How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb? I'm better than you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 23, 2008 Report Share Posted April 23, 2008 Re: Jokes A co-worker told this one at the morning meeting. How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb? I'm better than you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 25, 2008 Report Share Posted April 25, 2008 Re: Jokes Q: If well-endowed waitresses work at Hooters, where do one-legged waitresses work? A: IHOP Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted May 1, 2008 Report Share Posted May 1, 2008 Re: Jokes Dial-up is a lot like giving birth. It's painful, slow, and you'll probably scream and bleed at some point, but at least at the end you're rewarded with a naked person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 3, 2008 Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 Re: Jokes If you walk into a bike shop and ask if their business runs in cycles, would they refer you to a spokesperson? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SatinKitty Posted May 3, 2008 Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 Re: Jokes A co-worker told this one at the morning meeting. How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb? I'm better than you! I don't get it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted May 3, 2008 Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 Re: Jokes I don't get it. neither do I. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amused Posted May 3, 2008 Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 Re: Jokes It's commenting how some Vegan's attitude is extremely Holier than thou. Obviously not always the case, but still... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nexus Posted May 3, 2008 Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 Re: Jokes It's commenting how some Vegan's attitude is extremely Holier than thou. Obviously not always the case' date=' but still...[/quote'] Yeah, no doubt most people that chose a vegan lifestyle aren't but its the obnoxious folks that leave an impression. And make for jokes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 3, 2008 Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 Re: Jokes Deer and elk are vegans, and they taste just fine to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted May 3, 2008 Report Share Posted May 3, 2008 Re: Jokes So is corn-fed Angus. Yum! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 4, 2008 Report Share Posted May 4, 2008 Re: Jokes Q: What did the conjunction say to the noun and the verb? A: "I'd love to join you two, but I'm in the middle of something." I made that joke up myself! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 4, 2008 Report Share Posted May 4, 2008 Re: Jokes Q: What did the conjunction say to the noun and the verb? A: "I'd love to join you two, but I'm in the middle of something." I made that joke up myself! Bravo! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
"V" Posted May 5, 2008 Report Share Posted May 5, 2008 Re: Jokes What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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