Bazza Posted July 24 Report Share Posted July 24 Bob's Wife and Bob started dieting a week ago. His wife proposed that they should have a cheat day today. She brought home McDonald's burger, KFC wings and Bob brought home his secretary. From his hospital bed, Bob is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 25 Report Share Posted July 25 I made a paper airplane, but all it did was hover in one place like a helicopter. That's when I realized it was stationery. Ockham's Spoon, wcw43921, mattingly and 2 others 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted July 26 Report Share Posted July 26 I went to a greeting card store to buy some invitations. I asked the girl at the counter, "Do you keep stationery?" She replied, "Only for a few minutes, then I go completely wild!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 26 Report Share Posted July 26 It’s finally stopped raining. Noah docks the ark and gives the animals a pep talk about multiplying and replenishing. The animals gallop off the ark. Noah makes one last walk through the ark when he hears sobbing sounds coming from a wee corner. He finds two little snakes, crying their eyes out. “What’s wrong, little ones?” says Noah One snake answers, “We can’t multiply! We’re adders!” So Noah goes out and fells the largest pine tree he can find. He splits it in half and builds a table. He gets the snakes and places them on the table. He says, “There you go, little ones. With a log table, even adders can multiply!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 27 Report Share Posted July 27 A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.” The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.” The art collector replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” The attorney replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.” mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 27 Report Share Posted July 27 A doctor, a lawyer, and a mathematician are discussing whether it is better to have a wife or a mistress. “Oh, definitely a wife,” says the doctor. “Married men live longer.” “You’ve never been through a divorce,” says the lawyer. “Believe me, a mistress is far cheaper in the long run.” “It’s obviously best to have both a wife AND a mistress,” says the mathematician. The doctor and lawyer are stunned. “Why is that?” they ask. “Well, you can tell your wife that you’re with your mistress, tell your mistress that you’re with your wife, and get some real MATH done!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 28 Report Share Posted July 28 You can always count on me to go the extra mile. Usually because I missed the exit. Ockham's Spoon and Logan D. Hurricanes 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 28 Report Share Posted July 28 After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers: P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire. P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft. P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground. P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed. P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level. P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for. P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search. P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious. P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed. P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget Ockham's Spoon and slikmar 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 30 Report Share Posted July 30 Wife: "Sarah's husband gives her flowers every weekend. I wish you would do that." Later: "I don't understand it either Sarah but my wife said I should give you these flowers." mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 30 Report Share Posted July 30 I was in HMV the other day and I said to the shop assistant do you have anything by "The Doors" to which they replied "only a bucket of sand and a fire extinguisher" Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 31 Report Share Posted July 31 I was kind of surprised when my psychic friend complimented me on how I cooked his steak. Getting a "Well done" from a Medium is rare. wcw43921, BoloOfEarth and Pariah 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 31 Report Share Posted July 31 LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE. UNLESS YOU HAVE DIARRHEA. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 1 Report Share Posted August 1 Ben is short for Obi-Wan. Ani is short for Anakin. Luke is short for a Stormtrooper. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 2 Report Share Posted August 2 It's a little know fact that the Bermuda Triangle used to be called the Bermuda Rectangle. Then one side mysteriously disappeared. BoloOfEarth and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted August 2 Report Share Posted August 2 An ailing millionaire was nearing the end of his life. One day he was visited by his three closest buddies: a banker, a lawyer, and a politician. As they stood before their dying friend, he handed each of them an envelope. “Boys,” he said, “I never believed that we have to leave everything behind when we die. So, I’m handing you each an envelope with $1,000,000 inside. At my funeral, I’d like you to please slip your envelope into my coffin as you pass by and help me to live comfortably in the hereafter.” Each man took his respective envelope and promised their old friend that they would follow through with his request. On the day of the funeral, the banker passed the open casket and discreetly placed his envelope inside. Next, the lawyer passed by and did the same. Finally, the politician followed suit. At the end of the service, the three friends gathered outside. The banker said, “Fellas, I’ll have to admit, I didn’t put the whole $1,000,000 in the coffin. I kept $300,000 for myself.” With a long face, the lawyer confessed, “Well, I actually kept $500,000 for myself. I need to get that off my chest.” “Outrageous!” declared the politician, “The two of you should be ashamed of yourselves. I wrote him a check for the whole amount.” BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted August 2 Report Share Posted August 2 One thing is for sure: If J.S. Bach & his sons were alive today, we’d all be watching them on TV destroying the competition on Family Fugue. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 While I agree that my phone going off in church and playing AC/DC Highway to Hell was awkward, I wouldn't say it "ruined" your grandma's funeral. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 A boy asks his father, "Dad, how did humans come to be on earth?" His father then explains that humans evolved from apes that would swing through the trees. The boy then asks his mother, "How did humans come to be on earth?" His mother then explains that God created the first two humans. The boy then says, "But Dad says that humans evolved from apes. His mother then explains, "Your dad told you about his side of the family, and I told you about mine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 Bob's Wife and Bob started dieting a week ago. His wife proposed that they should have a cheat day today. She brought home McDonald's burger, KFC wings and Bob brought home his Secretary. From his hospital bed, Bob is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 Two atoms were walking across the road when one of them said. "I think I lost an electron!" The other atom replied, "Are you sure?" The first atom said "Yes, I'm absolutely positive.“ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 (edited) The difference between me and Superman is... He has super vision. I require supervision. Edited August 3 by Bazza BoloOfEarth and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 Did You Know... In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 I was chillin by the fire when Big Foot walks into my campsite, takes a beer out of the cooler and starts drinking it. Then he looked right at me and said "no one is going to believe you". Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 3 things Jesus' love will never do • Will never leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3) • Will never reject you (John 6:37) • Will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5) bi-ble-girl: So basically, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you. Pariah and BoloOfEarth 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted August 3 Report Share Posted August 3 I wish I could get a job cleaning mirrors. It's something I can see myself doing. I should look into it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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