Bazza Posted July 18 Report Share Posted July 18 (edited) Guy: Words cant even describe how beautiful you are. Girl: Ahh, thank you. Guy: But numbers can 3/10. Edited July 18 by Bazza Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 18 Report Share Posted July 18 Every morning, a devout woman would step out onto her porch, arms outstretched, and proclaim, "Praise the Lord!" Her atheist neighbor would invariably retort, "There is no Lord!" One day, the neighbor overheard her praying for sustenance. In a mischievous mood, he decided to play a trick on her, leaving a bounty of groceries on her porch. The next morning, the woman's voice rang out, "Praise the Lord, who hath provided for me!" The neighbor, choking back laughter, shouted, "Ha! It was me, not the Lord, who bought you those groceries!" Without missing a beat, the woman shot back, "Praise the Lord, not only for providing for me but also for using the atheist's wallet to do so!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 18 Report Share Posted July 18 A little girl asked her father, "Where did people come from?" Her father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that's how all mankind was made." A couple of days later she asked her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, which the human race evolved from." The confused little girl returned to her father and said, "Daddy, how is it possible that you told me that we were created by God, and Mommy said we came from monkeys?" The father answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your mother told you about hers.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 18 Report Share Posted July 18 3 hours ago, Bazza said: Guy: Words cant even describe how beautiful you are. Girl: Ahh, thank you. Guy: But numbers can 3/10. Reminds me of this old bit: Your girlfriend is like the square root of -100. A solid 10, but imaginary. Ockham's Spoon and Logan D. Hurricanes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 18 Report Share Posted July 18 The Three Phases of Matter: You don't You didn't You never will Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 19 Report Share Posted July 19 I love buying new books from Barnes and Noble. But I also like electricity and food so you see my dilemma. Ockham's Spoon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 20 Report Share Posted July 20 8 Hobbits = 1 Hobbyte (Just a little math joke.) Logan D. Hurricanes 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 20 Report Share Posted July 20 As there is 4 Hobbits in the Fellowship, I guess this means the Fellowship was half a Hobbyte. And half a Hobbyte is no second breakfast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 20 Report Share Posted July 20 The doctor said if I don't get off the couch more often I would get atrophy. That's so cool. I've never gotten a trophy before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted July 20 Report Share Posted July 20 1 hour ago, Bazza said: As there is 4 Hobbits in the Fellowship, I guess this means the Fellowship was half a Hobbyte. And half a Hobbyte is no second breakfast. 4 Hobbits is a Hobnibble Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted July 21 Report Share Posted July 21 A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through the Welsh town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll, Anglesey on its way to Rhosllannerchrugog in Wrexham, when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai. The truck then skids down the road and hits a car from Llanfihangel Tre’r Beirdd, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside. One of them, suffering from Schistosomiasis, has a myocardial infarction. A bystander witnesses the entire event and quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei. The emergency operator asks the bystander, “What happened?” He replies, “It’s hard to say.” Pariah and Ockham's Spoon 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 22 Report Share Posted July 22 I man and a woman are in bed when she hears a noise and tells him sleepily and urgently “Go! Quickly! I think it’s my husband!” He leaps out of the bed and dives out the window and is half way across the yard when he says to himself… “Wait a minute… I am her husband…”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted July 22 Report Share Posted July 22 How many Carrdassians does it take to change a light bulb? Spoiler It depends on how many lights you see. mattingly 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ockham's Spoon Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning. The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 DID YOU KNOW? Swedish astronomer Anders Celsius died in 1744 aged 43 though his rival Fahrenheit was convinced he was 109. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 IMAGINE IF YOU WILL AN ATHEIST STUCK AT A GREEN LIGHT BEHIND A CAR WITH A “HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS" STICKER. Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps. Ockham's Spoon and Pariah 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 Tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? Boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 I accidentally plugged my computer keyboard into my hi-fi system and spent the rest of the day stereotyping. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 I called my work this morning and I said, "Sorry boss, I Can't come in today, I have a wee cough.” He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really? Thanks boss, see you next week!" Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 Me: I'm going to need to leave early today. Boss: Is there a reason why? Me: I've spent enough time with people, I need my dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 A truck loaded with Vicks vapor rub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted July 23 Report Share Posted July 23 Christougher, Pariah and wcw43921 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 24 Report Share Posted July 24 I was watching The Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night. Half way through the concert the man playing the triangle disappeared. BoloOfEarth, mattingly and Pariah 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted July 24 Report Share Posted July 24 Four thirds of people don't understand fractions Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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