Hermit Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."-Rita Rudner Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 I saw this on Facebook. Supposedly a true story, but humorous either way. I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: blue, red, green, and orange.My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one.In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: "Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter." Cancer, wcw43921 and Pattern Ghost 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starlord Posted January 20, 2016 Report Share Posted January 20, 2016 I've given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles. Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I've eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me in my bathing suit. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works. I already have three people following me - two police officers and a psychiatrist. wcw43921 and FrankL 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 21, 2016 Report Share Posted January 21, 2016 An old friend of mine just told me that he's a compulsive liar. I'm not sure I believe him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 21, 2016 Report Share Posted January 21, 2016 “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld slikmar 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted January 22, 2016 Report Share Posted January 22, 2016 Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "Okay," the judge said, "tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "every once in a while my sister-in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 What did one orphan say to the other orphan? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin." Logan D. Hurricanes, Starlord and tkdguy 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 What happens if you don't pay your exorcist's bill? You get repossessed. Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 What did one orphan say to the other orphan? "Get in the Batmobile, Robin." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted January 31, 2016 Report Share Posted January 31, 2016 A Democrat, a Republican, and an Independent walk into a bar. Who pays for the drinks? The taxpayers, eventually. (Alternately: A Senator, a Representative, and the President walk into a bar....) tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted February 1, 2016 Report Share Posted February 1, 2016 Three executives (from different beer companies) at an international brewers convention decide to hit the bar The man from Budweiser orders a cold glass of Budweiser. The VP from Miller Brewing orders a bottle of Miller Lite. And the executive from Guinness orders a glass of Coke. "Aren't you going to order a pint of Guinness?" asked the executive from Budweiser. "I was," the executive from Guinness replied, "but I figured if you two weren't having a beer, I shouldn't have one either." Rails and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bazza Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 9 out of 10 doctors recommend for children to drink water instead of soda. The 10th doctor lives in Flint, Michigan. ( possibly in poor taste, pun not intended ) Pattern Ghost, Pariah, Shadow Hawk and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Two Cajun pastors, Reverend Boudreaux and Reverend Thibodaux, were busy hammering a sign next to the road. It read, "Da end is near! Turn yo sef 'round afore it too late!" As a car sped past them, the driver shouted out the window, "You religious nuts!" The car rounded the curve, and the pastors heard a loud splash. Boudreaux turned to Thibodaux and said, "I tole you it should jussay 'Bridge Out'." death tribble, BoloOfEarth, Pariah and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 This is better as a visual joke, but I think you can visualize it easily enough. (And it's pretty much what I do before I step out of the house each day.) A priest and a rabbi were in an airliner, midway through their flight, when suddenly the engines stopped and the plane went into a dive. People were screaming and praying, and the priest looked over to the rabbi. To the priest's surprise, he saw the rabbi cross himself. Thankfully, the pilot got the engines restarted and pulled out of the dive. As everybody was breathing a sigh of relief, the priest leaned over to the rabbi and said with a chuckle, "Don't think I didn't see what you did there. Last minute conversion, eh?" "What are you talking about?" the rabbi asked indignantly. "You crossed yourself," said the priest. "I saw it with my own eyes." "Oh, I wasn't crossing myself," said the rabbi. "I was just checking to make sure I had all my essentials. Spectacles. (touches face) Testicles. (touches groin) Wallet. (touches left suitcoat pocket) And watch. (touches right suitcoat pocket)" death tribble 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 My father has a version of that joke that goes "All you tall Italians (up high), all you short Italians (down low), I want you off my lawn (side to side)." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 So I was at this little pub in Great Britain. I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"? Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 So I was at this little pub in Great Britain. I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby. I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"! Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"? Scooped, but my comment still applies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted February 7, 2016 Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld Well, public speaking happens to people a lot more often than death. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 7, 2016 Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 Having done a eulogy, I can say that it's a lot harder than it looks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 7, 2016 Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Peyton Manning? A: O.J. drove a slow white Bronco. Peyton IS a slow white Bronco. Old Man 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted February 7, 2016 Report Share Posted February 7, 2016 Having done a eulogy, I can say that it's a lot harder than it looks. One could try to do as John Cleese at Graham Chapman's funeral. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted February 14, 2016 Report Share Posted February 14, 2016 Hey diddle, diddle The median's in the middle You add and divide for the mean The mode is the one that appears the most And the range is the difference between Cancer, death tribble and Pariah 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 14, 2016 Report Share Posted February 14, 2016 Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. FrankL and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted February 21, 2016 Report Share Posted February 21, 2016 Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter. Well, ok then. If a tree falls in the forest and there's no-one around to... I AM GROOT! Pariah and wcw43921 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 23, 2016 Report Share Posted February 23, 2016 A doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and on the way to preschool his little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Wonderful!" thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" Starlord 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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