Logan D. Hurricanes Posted February 14, 2014 Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people. Old Man 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 14, 2014 Report Share Posted February 14, 2014 But ... but ... I can imagine so much! Pariah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marcus Impudite Posted February 15, 2014 Report Share Posted February 15, 2014 Politians are like diapers: both need to be changed frequently, and usually for the same reason... tkdguy and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Greywind Posted February 20, 2014 Report Share Posted February 20, 2014 TWO COWS ~{Matthias Varga}SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbourCOMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milkFASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milkNAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots youBUREAUCRATISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and thenthrows the milk awayTRADITIONAL CAPITALISMYou have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies, and the economygrows.You sell them and retire on the incomeROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISMYou have two cows.You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened byyour brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemptionfor five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.The public then buys your bull.SURREALISMYou have two giraffes.The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.AN AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one, and force the other toproduce the milk of four cows.Later, you hire a consultant to analyse whythe cow has dropped dead.A GREEK CORPORATIONYou have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.You still only have two cows.A FRENCH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want threecows.A JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and producetwenty times the milk.You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona andmarket it worldwide.AN ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows,but you don't know where they are.You decide to have lunch.A SWISS CORPORATIONYou have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.You charge the owners for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.AN INDIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You worship them.A BRITISH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Both are mad.AN IRAQI CORPORATIONEveryone thinks you have lots of cows.You tell them that you have none.No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Business seems pretty good.You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATIONYou have two cows.The one on the left looks very attractive... tkdguy and death tribble 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 21, 2014 Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 You milked that one for all it was worth, didn't you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roter Baron Posted February 21, 2014 Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Now you have done it! I want a milk-shake. Badly! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 21, 2014 Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Ooh, that does sound good! Chocolate? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FrankL Posted February 21, 2014 Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Nah. Hard to find brown cows around here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 21, 2014 Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Q: What are the spots on black and white cows? A: Holstains Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 How many {corporate or university} vice-presidents does it take to change a light bulb? You have identified a mission-critical segment we had not previously recognized! QUICK! Begin a search for top-tier executive talent IMMEDIATELY so we can address this shortcoming in our leadership infrastructure and remain among the Best in Class! death tribble and Pariah 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 From one of my former students: Q: What do you call iron blowing in the wind? A: Fe-breeze. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 12, 2014 Report Share Posted March 12, 2014 Q - What's the difference between a riddle and a rhetorical question? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 12, 2014 Report Share Posted March 12, 2014 Q - What's the difference between a riddle and a rhetorical question? An orange. lemming 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 13, 2014 Report Share Posted March 13, 2014 I think you're thinking of, "How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?" lemming 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted March 13, 2014 Report Share Posted March 13, 2014 I think you're thinking of, "How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?" fish Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
L. Marcus Posted March 13, 2014 Report Share Posted March 13, 2014 Look in his trousers! Look in his trunk!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 17, 2014 Report Share Posted March 17, 2014 How many {corporate or university} vice-presidents does it take to change a light bulb? You have identified a mission-critical segment we had not previously recognized! QUICK! Begin a search for top-tier executive talent IMMEDIATELY so we can address this shortcoming in our leadership infrastructure and remain among the Best in Class! This is especially funny because UH is currently looking for a university president. After the last one turned out to be incompetent and possibly crooked, and her predecessor was incompetent and definitely crooked. Not really holding out a lot of hope, although the interim guy is head of IT, actually knows what he's doing, and has an outside chance of winding up with the job by default. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cancer Posted March 17, 2014 Report Share Posted March 17, 2014 I thought boardroom politics was like <insert reality show of choice here>: if someone with actual competence shows up, the first thing the rest of the maroons in the room do is purge/vote him off the island. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 17, 2014 Report Share Posted March 17, 2014 Not sure our Board of Regents has the competence to do even that. A criminal record does seem to be a prerequisite though. Can you apply? Have you embezzled, or maybe have a DUI or allegations of sexual harassment? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted April 18, 2014 Report Share Posted April 18, 2014 It was the day before Good Friday, and the Joker committed a crime. How did Dick Grayson react? "Holy Thursday, Batman!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 18, 2014 Report Share Posted April 18, 2014 Not sure our Board of Regents has the competence to do even that. A criminal record does seem to be a prerequisite though. Can you apply? Have you embezzled, or maybe have a DUI or allegations of sexual harassment? ... Have you ever been mayor of Detroit? ... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dmjalund Posted April 18, 2014 Report Share Posted April 18, 2014 It was the day before Good Friday, and the Joker committed a crime. How did Dick Grayson react? "Holy Thursday, Batman!" "Indeed Robin" tkdguy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A-flat minor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 Q: What's the greatest thing about Switzerland? A: I'm not sure if it's the greatest thing, but the flag's a big plus! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted April 28, 2014 Report Share Posted April 28, 2014 I can't decide whether to like this or cry in a corner. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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