Jokes

[Xavier Onassiss]

Re: Jokes

 

I know of no other place where someone posts a joke like that and nobody snipes at the guys who have to look it up to get it. I'd rep you but I gotta spread some before I can. Would someone else oblige?

 

OTOH, in lots of places the guys who get it without looking it up would get sniped at. Sadly, I can't rep this whole board....

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

I half got it - I know roughly what i is, but not a "Laplace Transformers".

 

Ah, "a function that turns real numbers into complex numbers". Wikipedia could use brevity, sometimes.

[Xavier Onassiss]

Re: Jokes

 

I half got it - I know roughly what i is, but not a "Laplace Transformers".

 

Ah, "a function that turns real numbers into complex numbers". Wikipedia could use brevity, sometimes.

 

Alternately, a line of toys which turns real cars into imaginary robots.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Alternately' date=' a line of toys which turns real cars into imaginary robots.[/quote']

Surely they'd be complex robots? Or only half imaginary?

 

...Computer robots?

 

crobots! Never really groked that game at the time, although I could probably manage it now.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Get real, guys.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

Surely they'd be complex robots? Or only half imaginary?

 

...Computer robots?

 

crobots! Never really groked that game at the time, although I could probably manage it now.

 

No, this is a Crowbot.

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]41319[/ATTACH]

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Get real' date=' guys.[/quote']

Complex issues that are partly imaginary don't map too well to the set of real stuff.

 

In other news, stop being abducted by aliens. It's making it hard to mind-control you.

No, this is a Crowbot.

 

[ATTACH=CONFIG]41319[/ATTACH]

crobots, not Crowbot. It was an Amiga 500 game where you wrote an AI to control a robot tank and set it against other AIs. The language used was a simplified form of C, hence the name.

[Lawnmower Boy]

Re: Jokes

 

Where do I put this? Why not here?

 

In 1983, at the Urodynamics Society meeting in Las Vegas, Professor G.S. Brindley first announced to the world his experiments on self-injection with papaverine to induce a penile erection. This was the first time that an effective medical therapy for erectile dysfunction (ED) was described, and was a historic development in the management of ED. The way in which this information was first reported was completely unique and memorable, and provides an interesting context for the development of therapies for ED. I was present at this extraordinary lecture, and the details are worth sharing. Although this lecture was given more than 20 years ago, the details have remained fresh in my mind, for reasons which will become obvious.

The lecture, which had an innocuous title along the lines of ‘Vaso-active therapy for erectile dysfunction’ was scheduled as an evening lecture of the Urodynamics Society in the hotel in which I was staying. I was a senior resident, hungry for knowledge, and at the AUA I went to every lecture that I could. About 15 min before the lecture I took the elevator to go to the lecture hall, and on the next floor a slight, elderly looking and bespectacled man, wearing a blue track suit and carrying a small cigar box, entered the elevator. He appeared quite nervous, and shuffled back and forth. He opened the box in the elevator, which became crowded, and started examining and ruffling through the 35 mm slides of micrographs inside. I was standing next to him, and could vaguely make out the content of the slides, which appeared to be a series of pictures of penile erection. I concluded that this was, indeed, Professor Brindley on his way to the lecture, although his dress seemed inappropriately casual.

The lecture was given in a large auditorium, with a raised lectern separated by some stairs from the seats. This was an evening programme, between the daytime sessions and an evening reception. It was relatively poorly attended, perhaps 80 people in all. Most attendees came with their partners, clearly on the way to the reception. I was sitting in the third row, and in front of me were about seven middle-aged male urologists, and their partners in ‘full evening regalia’.

Professor Brindley, still in his blue track suit, was introduced as a psychiatrist with broad research interests. He began his lecture without aplomb. He had, he indicated, hypothesized that injection with vasoactive agents into the corporal bodies of the penis might induce an erection. Lacking ready access to an appropriate animal model, and cognisant of the long medical tradition of using oneself as a research subject, he began a series of experiments on self-injection of his penis with various vasoactive agents, including papaverine, phentolamine, and several others. (While this is now commonplace, at the time it was unheard of). His slide-based talk consisted of a large series of photographs of his penis in various states of tumescence after injection with a variety of doses of phentolamine and papaverine. After viewing about 30 of these slides, there was no doubt in my mind that, at least in Professor Brindley's case, the therapy was effective. Of course, one could not exclude the possibility that erotic stimulation had played a role in acquiring these erections, and Professor Brindley acknowledged this.

The Professor wanted to make his case in the most convincing style possible. He indicated that, in his view, no normal person would find the experience of giving a lecture to a large audience to be erotically stimulating or erection-inducing. He had, he said, therefore injected himself with papaverine in his hotel room before coming to give the lecture, and deliberately wore loose clothes (hence the track-suit) to make it possible to exhibit the results. He stepped around the podium, and pulled his loose pants tight up around his genitalia in an attempt to demonstrate his erection.

At this point, I, and I believe everyone else in the room, was agog. I could scarcely believe what was occurring on stage. But Prof. Brindley was not satisfied. He looked down sceptically at his pants and shook his head with dismay. ‘Unfortunately, this doesn’t display the results clearly enough’. He then summarily dropped his trousers and shorts, revealing a long, thin, clearly erect penis. There was not a sound in the room. Everyone had stopped breathing.

But the mere public showing of his erection from the podium was not sufficient. He paused, and seemed to ponder his next move. The sense of drama in the room was palpable. He then said, with gravity, ‘I’d like to give some of the audience the opportunity to confirm the degree of tumescence’. With his pants at his knees, he waddled down the stairs, approaching (to their horror) the urologists and their partners in the front row. As he approached them, erection waggling before him, four or five of the women in the front rows threw their arms up in the air, seemingly in unison, and screamed loudly. The scientific merits of the presentation had been overwhelmed, for them, by the novel and unusual mode of demonstrating the results.

The screams seemed to shock Professor Brindley, who rapidly pulled up his trousers, returned to the podium, and terminated the lecture. The crowd dispersed in a state of flabbergasted disarray. I imagine that the urologists who attended with their partners had a lot of explaining to do. The rest is history. Prof Brindley's single-author paper reporting these results was published about 6 months later [1].

Professor Brindley made a huge contribution to the management of ED, for which he deserves tremendous gratitude. He was a true lateral thinker, and applied his unique mind to a variety of problems in medicine. These include over 100 publications that focus on the areas of visual neurophysiology and several other aspects of neurophysiology, including ejaculation and female sexual dysfunction. He also published one remarkable paper studying the effect of 17 different drugs used intracorporally to induce erection [2]. Seven of these (phenoxybenzamine, phentolamine, thymoxamine, imipramine, verapamil, papaverine, naftidrofury) induced an erection. It is not clear to what degree Brindley's own penis served as the test subject for these studies.

This lecture was unique, dramatic, paradigm-shifting, and unexpected. It is difficult to imagine that a similar scenario could ever take place again. Professor Brindley belongs in the pantheon of famous British eccentrics who have made spectacular contributions to science. The story of his lecture deserves a place in the urological history books.

 

From here, via here.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a controversial anti-piracy bill with a young woman who becomes famous at her sister's wedding?

 

A: PIPA Middleton.

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

Where do I put this? Why not here?

 

 

 

From here, via here.

 

Kewl. Sounds to me like Prof Brindley is a definite contender for these lists:

 

http://www.cracked.com/article_19521_6-most-badass-self-inflicted-medical-experiments.html

 

http://www.cracked.com/article_16301_the-6-most-badass-stunts-ever-pulled-in-name-science.html

[slikmar]

Re: Jokes

 

Where do I put this? Why not here?

 

 

 

From here, via here.

 

I find it interesting that no one was offended at seeing his erect/non erect penis in any of the apparently 30 slides he showed, but were horrified to see it in person (and that is a straight line that could lead to jokes I will avoid at this time).

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

Went looking for a file on my hard drive, and found this old chestnut:

 

 

 

Is This A Kissing Book?

 

This is a Lord of the Rings/Princess Bride crossover parody written originally by DeVee 2003–2004, expanded on by Molly J. Ringle (aka MollyRingwraith) and the patrons of her board at livejournal.com – and finally written up by Øystein Bech Gadmar 2005.

 

 

The Fellowship of the Ring

 

Prologue:

PETER JACKSON: Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up:

 

Dagorlad, 3000 years ago:

SAURON [swipes away a host of soldiers by magic]: I did that on purpose. I didn’t have to miss you.

ISILDUR: I believe you. ... So, what happens now?

SAURON: We face each other as Eru intended; sportsman-like. No tricks, huge weapons, skill against skill alone.

ISILDUR: You mean, you’ll put down your magic and I’ll put down my host, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people?

SAURON: I could kill you now?

ISILDUR: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand fighting.

SAURON: It’s not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don’t even exercise.

SAURON [swings at ISILDUR, but misses]: You’re quick!

ISILDUR: Good thing too.

SAURON [knocks ISILDUR back against a boulder]: I just feared you would give me so much trouble.

ISILDUR: Why is that, do you think?

SAURON: Well, I haven’t fought just one person for so long. ... I’ve been specializing in groups, fighting armies for dominion of Middle-Earth ... that kind of thing.

ISILDUR: Why should that make such a [cuts off SAURON’S ring hand] difference?

SAURON: You see, you use different moves when you’re fighting half a thousand people, then when you only have to worry ... about ... one. [dies]

[...]

ISILDUR: Soldier, are there Orcs ahead?

SOLDIER: If there are, we’ll all be dead!

 

A torture chamber in Mordor, some time ago:

GOLLUM: So it’s to be torture then? I can cope with torture. Don’t believe me?

ORC: You survived the Dagorlad, you must be very brave, but nobody withstands The Machine.

[...]

ORC: I’ve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don’t know what that would do to you. So, let’s just start with what we have. What did this do to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity so be honest. How do you feel?

GOLLUM: Baggins! Shire!

ORC: Interesting.

 

Hobbiton, now:

FRODO: Gardener!

SAM: Yes, master Frodo?

FRODO: Come with me to Mordor?

SAM: As you wish.

 

Isengard:

GANDALF: To the death!

SARUMAN: No! To the pain!

GANDALF: I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase...

SARUMAN: Drop. Your. Staff.

[staff flies through the air]

SARUMAN: Have a seat.

 

The Inn of the Prancing Pony:

STRIDER: I am waiting for Gandalf! You told me to go back to the beginning, so I have. This is where I am, and this is where I’ll stay. I will not be moved.

[...]

STRIDER: I do not mean to pry, but you don’t by any chance happen to have a Ring of Power on your right hand?

FRODO: Do you always begin conversations this way?

[...]

HOBBITS: Who are you?

STRIDER: No one of consequence.

HOBBITS: We must know.

STRIDER: Get used to disappointment.

HOBBITS: Okay.

 

Isengard:

SARUMAN: Form a brute squad then! I want Fangorn Forest emptied before I send out the army.

ORC: It won’t be easy, Sire.

SARUMAN: Try ruling Middle-Earth sometime.

 

Rivendell:

ELROND: Who is he? Another elf like that one? Pretty, rich and fair?

ARWEN: No. A ranger. Poor. Poor and perfect, with eyes like the sea after a storm.

[...]

ELROND: Ewiw jewewly. Ewiw jewewly is what bwings us together today...

ARAGORN: Fellowship! Say Fellowship!

ELROND: I pwonownce you The Fewwowship of the Wing!

ARAGORN: Finally! Boromir, keep an eye on Frodo. Legolas, come with me!

 

Caradhras:

ARAGORN: Give Frodo back the ring. I mean it!

BOROMIR: Does anybody want a peanut?

LEGOLAS: GAAAH!

 

Moria:

GANDALF: We’ll reach the gate by dawn. ... Why are you doing that?

FRODO: Making sure nobody’s following us.

GANDALF: That would be inconceivable.

FRODO: Are you sure nobody is following us?

GANDALF: As I told you it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways inconceivable! No one in Mordor knows what we’ve done, and no one in Isengard could have gotten here so fast.

GANDALF: Out of curiosity, why do you ask?

FRODO: Suddenly, I just happened to look behind us and something is there.

GANDALF: What?! ... Probably some local Riverfolksman … out for a pleasure stroll ... at night ... through goblin-infested caverns!

 

ORC: Finish him. Finish him, your way.

CAVE TROLL: Oh good, my way. Thank you, Orc. ... Which one is my way?

ORC: Pick up one of those rocks, get behind a boulder. In a few minutes the hobbit will come running around the bend. The minute his head is in view, hit it with the rock.

CAVE TROLL: My way’s not very sportsmanlike.

[...]

LEGOLAS: I do not envy you the headache you will have when you awake. But for now, rest well and dream of large women.

[...]

GANDALF: I am going to duel the Balrog left-handed.

ARAGORN: You know what a hurry we’re in!

GANDALF: It is the only way that I can be satisfied. Fighting is my right. It’d be over too quickly.

ARAGORN: Oh, have it your way.

 

Isengard:

SARUMAN [to URUK-HAI]: I’ve hired you to help me start a war. It’s a prestigious line of work, with a long and glorious tradition.

 

Parth Galen:

SAM [to himself]: Go on! Get after him!

SAM [drowning]: I don’t swim. I only dog paddle.

FRODO: GAAAH!

FRODO [pulls SAM into his boat]: I suppose you think you’re very brave.

SAM: Only compared to some.

[...]

ARAGORN: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over.

LEGOLAS: Who won? How did it end?

ARAGORN: One hobbit ran off alone, and the other followed his footprints toward Mordor.

LEGOLAS: Shall we track them?

ARAGORN: They must have seen the orcs closing in, which might account for their panicking into error. Unless I’m wrong, and I’m never wrong, they are headed straight into the Dead Marshes. Only Merry and Pippin can be helped now. Clearly this was all planned by warriors of Isengard! We must all be ready for whatever lies ahead.

 

The Two Towers

 

Caradhras:

BALROG: You seem like a decent wizard. I hate to kill you.

GANDALF: You seem like a decent Balrog. I hate to die.

[...]

GANDALF: Why won’t my arms move?

GANDALF: I’ve been mostly dead all day.

 

Emyn Muil:

FRODO: He’s climbing down the cliffside ... and he’s gaining on us!

SAM: Inconceivable! ... Faster!!

[...]

SAM: He’s got very good arms.

FRODO: He didn’t fall? Inconceivable!

SAM: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

GOLLUM: Have you the Wing?

[...]

SAM: Kill him quickly.

FRODO [to GOLLUM]: I would as soon destroy a stained-glass window as a creature like yourself. However, since I can’t have you following me either..

FRODO [to SAM]: Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.

[...]

GOLLUM: If you’re in such a hurry, you could take this rope off or find something useful to do.

FRODO: I could do that.

SAM: But I do not think we should accept your help, since you are only waiting around to kill us.

FRODO: That does put a damper on our relationship.

GOLLUM: But, I promise I will not kill you until you reach Mordor.

SAM: That’s very comforting, but I’m afraid you’ll just have to wait.

GOLLUM: I hate waiting. I’ll give you my word as one of the River-folk.

SAM: No good. I’ve known too many River-folk.

GOLLUM: Is there not any way you will trust me?

SAM: Nothing comes to mind.

GOLLUM: I swear on the Preciouss. You will reach Mordor alive.

FRODO: Sam, untie the rope.

 

Riddermark:

PIPPIN: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take us. There is no greater hunter than Aragorn. He can track a falcon on a cloudy day. He can find you.

URUK-HAI: You think your dearest love will save you?

PIPPIN: I never said he was my dearest love, and yes, he will save me. That I know.

[...]

ARAGORN: A leaf of Lorien. I’d bet my life on it. And there are the Uruk-Hai’s footprints. They’re alive, or were an hour ago. If they are otherwise when I find them, I shall be very put out.

[...]

EOMER: I tell you once again, surrender!

GIMLI: It will not happen.

EOMER: For the last time, surrender!

LEGOLAS and GIMLI: Death first!

ARAGORN: Do you promise not to hurt them?

LEGOLAS and GIMLI: What was that?

ARAGORN: If we surrender, and I introduce you, do you promise not to hurt my friends?

EOMER: May I live a thousand years and never hunt orcs again!

 

Fangorn Forest:

MERRY: It’s not that bad... Well, I’m not saying I’d like to build a hobbit hole here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.

PIPPIN: We’ll never succeed. We may as well die here.

MERRY: No, no, we have already succeeded! I mean, what are the three terrors of Fangorn Forest? One, the orc that followed us in here. We already lost him. Two, the hobbit-eating trees which you were clever enough to discover what that looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.

PIPPIN: Merry, what about the T.O.U.S.’s?

MERRY: Treeherders Of Unusual Size? I don’t think they exist.

[...]

MERRY: Now, where is that secret knot? It’s impossible to find. [click]

TREEBEARD: Barum!

 

The Dead Marshes:

GOLLUM: Do you know what that sound is, hobbit? Those are the shrieking Nazgul. If you don’t believe me, just wait! They always grow louder when they’re about to feed on Ringbearer flesh.

 

Fangorn Forest:

LEGOLAS: A diversion!

ARAGORN: It’s possible, pig. It might be a diversion.

[...]

ARAGORN: Who are you!?

GANDALF: I’m no one to be trifled with. That’s all you ever need know.

ARAGORN: You were dead.

GANDALF: Death cannot stop true wizards. All it can do is delay them for a while.

ARAGORN: I will never doubt again.

GANDALF: There will never be a need.

 

Edoras:

SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I have rightfully stolen.

GANDALF: Really! In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wizardry.

SARUMAN [through THEODEN]: For the King? To the exorcism? I accept!

[...]

ARAGORN: You have some skill with a blade.

EOWYN: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.

ARAGORN: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro. Don’t you?

[...]

GANDALF: No, I said, "Look to the east on the fifth morning." Rush a miracle man and you get rotten miracles!

 

Ithilien cave:

FARAMIR: The steward’s stinking eldest son got promoted rather than me. And thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut, and pour lemon juice on it.

[...]

GOLLUM/SMEAGOL: You mock my pain!

FARAMIR: Life is pain, creep. Anyone who says differently is selling something.

 

Rivendell:

ARWEN: Any word of Aragorn?

ELROND: Too soon, my angel. Patience.

ARWEN: He will become king.

ELROND: Of course. [To himself] She will not become mortal!

 

Merry and Pippin riding Treebeard to Isengard:

MERRY: Pippin, you did something right.

PIPPIN: Don’t worry. I won’t let it go to my head.

 

Ithilien:

GOLLUM: Good night, hobbitses. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

 

The Return of the King

 

The Flooded Grounds of Isengard:

MERRY: Yeah, Longbottom Leaf is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT - mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky. I love that.

[...]

LEGOLAS: Shall I dispatch Saruman for you?

GANDALF: No. Whatever happens, I want him to live a long life, alone with his cowardice.

 

Edoras:

PIPPIN: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.

SAURON: It has worked! You’ve given everything away! I know where the hobbit is!

 

En Route to The Grey Havens:

VISION: Booooooo! Booooooo! Boooooooo!

ARWEN: Why do you do this?

VISION: Because you had love in your hands and you gave it up! Your true love lives, and you sail off to Valinor! True love saved her from a lonely immortal life, and she treated it like garbage. And that’s what she is, the Queen of Refuse. So bow down to her if you want. Bow to her. Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of putrescence! Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! Boo! [ARWEN wakes up]

NARRATOR: It was ten days till they sailed. The king-to-be still lived, but Arwen’s health was becoming steadily worse.

 

Rivendell:

ARWEN: Ada, reforge the sword of Narsil. I want to see my face shining in it by morning.

ELROND: As you wish.

 

The Stairs of Cirith Ungol:

GOLLUM: You were supposed to be this legendary manservant, you were this great loyal companion, and yet there are crumbs on your jacket!

SAM [to FRODO]: Well, I’m carrying food for three people, and Gollum’s got only himself.

FRODO: I do not accept excuses! I’m just going to have to find myself a new gardener, that’s all.

SAM: Don’t say that, master Frodo. Please?

FRODO: Did I make it clear that your job is at stake?

 

Throne Room at Minas Tirith:

FARAMIR: Where does my loyalty lie if not here?

DENETHOR: I can’t afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that a steward has gone soft, people begin to disobey him and it’s nothing but work, work, work all the time.

 

Dunharrow:

ELROND: Aragorn, Arwen is dying.

ARAGORN: She’s immortal. She can’t die.

ELROND: Whoo-hoo-hoo! Look who knows so much, heh? Well, it just so happens that your love here is only mostly immortal. There’s a big difference between mostly immortal and all immortal. Now, mostly immortal is slightly mortal.

[...]

EOWYN [at the entrance to the Paths of the Dead]: You’ll never come out alive!

ARAGORN: Nonsense! You’re only saying that because no one ever has!

[...]

EOWYN: Bye bye, boys!

MERRY: Have fun storming Minas Tirith!

EOWYN [to MERRY]: Think it will work?

MERRY [to EOWYN]: It would take a miracle!

 

Dwimorberg – The Haunted Mountain:

GHOST KING: I know who you are! You’re Isildur’s heir, admit it!

ARAGORN: With pride. What can I do for you?

GHOST KING: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.

ARAGORN: Tch-tch-tch. You’re hardly complimentary, your Highness.

 

Tomb in Minas Tirith:

DENETHOR: I am the Dread Steward Denethor. There will be no survivors!

GUARD 1: Now?

GUARD 2: Not yet.

DENETHOR: My men are here. I am here. But soon you will not be here!

GUARD 1: Now?!

GUARD 2: Light him!

DENETHOR: The Dread Steward Denethor takes no survivors. All your worst nightmares are about to come true!

[...]

PIPPIN: Well now, that was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?

FARAMIR [shakes head]: You?

 

Minas Tirith:

WITCH KING: Surrender!

GANDALF: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well then, I accept.

WITCH KING: I give you full marks for bravery. Don’t make yourself a fool.

 

Outside Minas Tirith:

WITCH KING: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You’ve got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It’s going to get you into trouble someday.

EOWYN: Hello. My name is Eowyn. You killed my uncle. Prepare to die!

[...]

EOWYN: I admit it, you are better than I am.

WITCH KING: Then why are you smiling?

EOWYN: Because I know something you don’t know.

WITCH KING: And what is that?

EOWYN: I am not a man!

 

The Tower of Cirith Ungol:

ORC 1: He’s only mostly dead!

ORC 2: Go through his clothes and look for loose change.

[...]

SAM: I have no Ring.

FRODO: Sam, I’ll tear your arms off.

SAM: Oh, you mean this Ring.

 

Minas Tirith:

EOMER: What are our liabilities?

ARAGORN: There is but one working gate, and it is guarded by sixty thousand orcs.

EOMER: And our assets?

LEGOLAS: Aragorn’s sword, Gimli’s axe, and my arrows.

EOMER: That’s it? Impossible. If we had a month to plan maybe I could come up with something. But this... I mean, if we only had a host of men, that would be something.

ARAGORN: Where did we put that host of men we had?

EOMER: Why didn’t you list that among our assets in the first place?! Now, what I wouldn’t give for a group of Great Eagles...

GIMLI: A challenge? To the death? I accept!

 

At The Black Gate:

THE MOUTH OF SAURON: Your hobbit is dead. I killed him myself.

GANDALF: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?

THE MOUTH OF SAURON: He died well. That should please you.

GANDALF: Nothing you can say will upset me. [To ARAGORN] Aragorn, cut his head off.

 

Mount Doom, After It Erupts:

[screen goes black]

PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava.

AUDIENCE: What?

PETER JACKSON: Frodo and Sam don’t get burned up by the lava. I’m explaining to you because you looked nervous.

[Movie continues]

 

At the Coronation:

AUDIENCE: Is this a kissing book!?

EOWYN: You know, it’s very strange. I have been in the revenge business so long. Now that it’s over, I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life.

FARAMIR: Have you ever considered marriage? You’d make a wonderful Stewardess.

 

The Grey Havens:

SAM: What is it?

FRODO: Open it up.

SAM: A book?

FRODO: That’s right. When I was your age, adventures were called books. And this is a special book. It was the book my uncle used to write when he was adventuring and I used to write it when I was adventuring ... and today, I’m gonna give it to you.

SAM: Does it got any sports in it?

FRODO: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles.

SAM: It doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll try and stay awake.

FRODO: Oh, well, thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote of confidence is overwhelming. Oh. All right: "There and Back Again: A Hobbit’s Tale by Bilbo Baggins." ...

 

End Credits:

PETER JACKSON: "The End." Now I think you oughta go to sleep.

AUDIENCE: Okay...

PETER JACKSON: All right. Okay, okay, okay. All right. So long.

AUDIENCE: Maybe we could come over and watch it again tomorrow?

PETER JACKSON: As you wish.

 

© DeVee et al. 2003-2004; Øystein Bech Gadmar 2005.

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

...Best crossover parody ever.

[CrosshairCollie]

Re: Jokes

 

What concert tickets only cost 45 cents?

 

 

 

 

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

What concert tickets only cost 45 cents?

 

 

 

 

50 Cent featuring Nickelback

*Pulls out a boffer hammer* *Thwack!*

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Nickelback...what I would want if I'd ever spent five cents on their music.

[Old Man]

Re: Jokes

 

I like some Nickelback songs and don't understand the visceral hatred they seem to engender in some listeners. But I react similarly to Whitney Houston so I'll leave it at that.

[tkdguy]

Re: Jokes

 

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

 

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

 

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

 

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

 

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

 

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

 

And the golfer walks off.

 

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

 

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

 

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

 

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

 

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

 

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

 

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

 

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

 

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

 

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

 

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

 

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

I don't care who ou are. That was funny right there.

 

Someone hit TKDGuy with a rep stick for me.

[Old Man]

Re: Jokes

 

I like some Nickelback songs and don't understand the visceral hatred they seem to engender in some listeners. But I react similarly to Whitney Houston so I'll leave it at that.

 

So, this is awkward.

[Bazza]

Re: Jokes

 

So' date=' this is awkward.[/quote']

No need to worry, cause...and I-I-I will always love you-u-u even if you like Nickleback.

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

I was going to post a joke about D. B. Cooper, but I was advised not to. My friend told me it would be just plane wrong.

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

I don't care who ou are. That was funny right there.

 

Someone hit TKDGuy with a rep stick for me.

 

Done.

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

I was going to post a joke about D. B. Cooper' date=' but I was advised not to. My friend told me it would be just plane wrong.[/quote']

 

Oh, go ahead and take the leap!

[SteveZilla]

Re: Jokes

 

So' date=' this is awkward.[/quote']

 

I don't think so. No matter what the piece of music (or body of work of music), it is unavoidable that someone will not like it. It is unfortunate that she died at such an early age. and purely chance that you voiced a (presumably) long-held preference soon before her passing.