Jokes

[Pariah]

Re: Jokes

 

Warning: If you see a link that offers you free tracks from Nickleback's new album DO NOT CLICK ON IT. It goes to a link with free tracks from Nickleback's new album. **PLEASE REPOST**

 

You must spread Rep yadda yadda yadda. A little help, someone?

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

you must spread rep yadda yadda yadda. A little help' date=' someone?[/quote']

 

ghfy!

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVR3xF8h1Ao

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

 

The New Zealander doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

 

The Man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

 

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

 

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

 

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

[Tim]

Re: Jokes

 

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.

 

''Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

 

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked, 'Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?'

[teh bunneh]

Re: Jokes

 

Three guys are walking down the beach: A right-wing fundamentalist tea-partier, a Code Pink socialist hippie, and a regular joe. The three of them see a lamp half-buried in the sand, and they pick it up.

 

POOF! A genie appears. "Since the three of you freed me from the lamp, I shall give you each one wish," the genie tells them.

 

The Tea Partier steps up. "I'm tired of paying 99.9% of my money to the gubbmint, and being forced to obey rules and regulations! I wish you'd send me and all of my fellow Tea Partiers to our own libertarian island out there somewhere where we could all live and be free of the gubbmint."

 

The genie nods and "POOF!" the fundie disappears.

 

Then the hippie steps up. "I wish you'd send me and all my fellow enlightened thinkers to our our own little country where we could create a socialist paradise where everyone would be equal, and there would be no strife."

 

The genie nods and "POOF!" the hippie disappears. He then turns to the last guy and says, "And what is your wish?"

 

The guy looks around and says, "Let me get this straight. All the right-wing fundies are gone for good?" The genie nods. "And all the left-wing crazies are also gone for good?" The genie nods again.

 

The guy scratches his head for a moment, thinking, then looks up at the genie. "I guess I'll have a Coke."

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

Three guys are walking down the beach: A right-wing fundamentalist tea-partier, a Code Pink socialist hippie, and a regular joe. The three of them see a lamp half-buried in the sand, and they pick it up.

 

POOF! A genie appears. "Since the three of you freed me from the lamp, I shall give you each one wish," the genie tells them.

 

The Tea Partier steps up. "I'm tired of paying 99.9% of my money to the gubbmint, and being forced to obey rules and regulations! I wish you'd send me and all of my fellow Tea Partiers to our own libertarian island out there somewhere where we could all live and be free of the gubbmint."

 

The genie nods and "POOF!" the fundie disappears.

 

Then the hippie steps up. "I wish you'd send me and all my fellow enlightened thinkers to our our own little country where we could create a socialist paradise where everyone would be equal, and there would be no strife."

 

The genie nods and "POOF!" the hippie disappears. He then turns to the last guy and says, "And what is your wish?"

 

The guy looks around and says, "Let me get this straight. All the right-wing fundies are gone for good?" The genie nods. "And all the left-wing crazies are also gone for good?" The genie nods again.

 

The guy scratches his head for a moment, thinking, then looks up at the genie. "I guess I'll have a Coke."

Hey, after two like that, he should have asked for honest politicians!

[Old Man]

Re: Jokes

 

Some things are beyond even the omnipotent.

[SSgt Baloo]

The Magic Well

 

A woman had a magic well.

 

She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands and the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail. The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water.

 

This distressed the woman and she decided that she would consult the neighborhood priest.

 

She showed the priest the problem and the priest decided the well was infected with some sort of malicious spirit. The priest then proceeded to pray and bless the well with holy water.

 

He then instructed the woman to place the pail on the edge of the well and to clap her hands.

 

This time the well filled the pail 1/4 full.

 

The priest then instructed the woman to place the pail a little to the left of the previous spot and to clap her hands.

 

This time the pail was filled 1/2 full.

 

The priest then told the woman to move the pail just a bit further to the left and to clap her hands.

 

This time the pail was filled to the brim and made the woman very happy.

 

Each day the woman enjoyed the pleasure of getting a full pail of water, as long as she placed the pail in the same exact spot.

 

She thanked the priest every time she saw him.

 

One day the priest decided to take the bishop to the woman’s home to demonstrate the procedure.

 

After seeing the woman go through the steps and the subsequent filling of the pail, the bishop remarked, “I see you have trained her well.”

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

 

Category: , ,

 

Puns voted by the members of the International Save the Pun Foundation to be the ten best stressed puns posted in the Pundit’s pages in 1986.

 

A family of high-class potatoes was able to send their daughter to college. A few months later, however, she came home and announced that she was quitting college to get married. Very upset, the parents demanded to know who the man was.

 

When the girl told them she was in love with a famous newscaster, Dan Spud, the mother exclaimed: “Good heavens, girl! After all we`ve done for you, how could you marry a common tater?”

 

 

A string walked into a bar and ordered a drink. The bartender looked at him and said, “We don’t serve strings here.” Offended, the string left.

 

A second string came in and also was refused. As he was leaving, a third string showed up, and the second paused to warn him. So the third string tied himself into a knot and ruffled his hair.

 

As he approached the bar, the bartender glared at him and asked, “Are you a string?”

 

“No,” he replied, “a frayed knot.”

 

 

A man on his first visit to San Francisco’s Chinatown wandered into a Grant Street cocktail lounge, where he was surprised to note that the pianist was offering incredibly sad pieces, such as Chopsticks as a funeral march.

 

After five such selections, each sadder than the last, the visitor said to the pianist, “Please! Couldn`t you play something less mournful?”

 

“No problem,” said the pianist. “I will play something happy now. With six you get allegro.”

 

 

A young rabbit wanted to be the Easter Bunny. The other rabbits laughed, saying, “You’re not even old enough to shave!” So he shaved. But at Easter the children still refused to accept him. “You’re not the Easter Bunny!” they cried. “You haven’t any whiskers!” All of which goes to prove that a bunny shaved is a bunny spurned.

 

 

A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel. “We’ve just been married,” said the bridegroom. “Could you give us a suite?”

 

“Certainly,” replied the clerk. “Would you like the bridal?”

 

“Oh, no thanks,” said the young man. “Now that we’re married, we’re going to stop horsing around.”

 

 

When Bishop Tutu toured the United States last fall, he visited his relatives in Tennessee, revealing for the first time that he was a Chattanooga Tutu.

[Ockham's Spoon]

Re: Jokes

 

Two old widows, Edna and Grace, agreed to go traveling together since they had always wanted to do so but were nervous about going alone.

 

Grace got behind the wheel and Edna rode shotgun. As they started off, Edna was thinking how nice it was to be sharing this journey when Grace ran through a yellow light. Edna was a cautious driver and she certainly would have stopped, but she didn't see any harm done so said nothing.

 

A few blocks later, the a traffic light turned red, but Grace drove right on through. Now Edna was nervous, but there had been no on-coming traffic and no danger of being hit, so she said nothing.

 

At the very next block, Grace drove through another red light. This time the traffic going the other way was forced to swerve and slam on the brakes to avoid an accident, but Grace seemed unfazed.

 

Edna turned to Grace and said "I didn't want to criticize your driving, but you could have gotten us killed back there!"

 

Grace turns to Edna in alarm and says "Oh my God! Am I driving?"

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

After seeing the woman go through the steps and the subsequent filling of the pail' date=' the bishop remarked, “I see you have trained her well.”[/quote']

 

Obi-wan, I bow to your Shaggy Dog Story mastery. Repped

 

“No problem' date='” said the pianist. “I will play something happy now. With six you get allegro.”[/quote']

 

Ashamed to say I'm not positive I get this one. Is it a pun on "eggroll"?

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

Ashamed to say I'm not positive I get this one. Is it a pun on "eggroll"?

 

Wikipedia entry: With Six You Get Eggroll

 

IMDB entry (more info than the Wiki): With Six You Get Eggroll [/pedantry]

 

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M. The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines, “The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn”.

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

After the president has been in office for 6 months it is customary for the last president to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

 

So yesterday when the note came from Bush to Obama, the president was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

 

370H-SSV-0773H

 

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president

 

Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it. They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of the Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

 

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

 

Now there was complete panic in the oval office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in and the best minds were unable to crack the code.

 

After a sleepless night, a new humbled president picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

 

 

Bush chuckled and replied: "Dude....You're holding it upside down!"

 

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

[Narf the Mouse]

Re: Jokes

 

...Do they have a dog named "Fire"?

[BoloOfEarth]

Re: Jokes

 

Reminds me of the woman who named her cat Figaro. One day, a neighbor's kid identified her as, "the woman that sings opera."

[mattingly]

Re: Jokes

 

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

 

"Thanks," said the employee.

 

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"

 

 

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

 

[Shadow Hawk]

Re: Jokes

 

Driving along a country road, the salesman found himself passing a pasture being grazed by sheep. And at the far end of the lot, a man abusing a sheep, and not by beating it!

Outraged, the salesman headed to the farmhouse, and pounded on the door where he was greeted by a attractive young woman.

"Young lady," said the salesman, "There's a man out among your flock raping the sheep!"

"Don't worry, sir" she replied, "That's just my Da-a-a-a-d."

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

This tale is by Spider Robinson. It was originally published in Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon (1976 Ace paperback, now in 2000 Tor paperback), and was reprinted in The Callahan Chronicals (1999 Tor trade paperback).

 

In the year 2744 a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squatted motionless on a vast rocky plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs (two), but apparently never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a fifty-story condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet it lived.

 

This puzzled hell out of the scientists, who tried everything they could think of to elicit some sign of life from the behemoth–in vain. It just squatted, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, “How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn’t use them?”

 

It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing’s presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, pondered for a second, boomed, “It couldn’t,” and squatted down again.

 

“Migod,” exclaimed the xenobiologist. “Of course! It only stands to reason.”

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

Spoilered for off-camera naughtiness.

 

 

An Australian decides to start sheep farming, and goes to the market and buys six sheep and a ram to breed them. After a few days the ram has not been doing the business so the farmer phones the vet, who tells him that if the ram's no good, he will have to "artificially inseminate" the sheep.

 

Not being very well educated,the farmer hasn't a clue what the vet means but doesn't want to show his ignorance and just asks "how will I know if its worked". The vet replies that if its worked the sheep will be lying down first thing in the morning. The farmer lays awake all that night pondering what artificial insemination is and concludes that he will have to do it himself.

 

First thing next morning he puts the sheep in the back of the Land Rover and drives a few miles out to some secluded forestry as he doesn't think it proper to do it at the farm where his wife might see. He services all six sheep and returns home knackered.

 

Next morning he looks out of the bedroom window at first light and to his disappointment the sheep are standing up. He phones the vet again who explains that sometimes it takes several goes to be successful.

 

Next day he takes the sheep in the back of the Land Rover to the secluded forestry and services them all again,returning home late and exhausted. Again in the morning he looks out of the bedroom window having only just been able to get up due to his exertions only to find the sheep all standing.

 

Right, one more go, so he puts the sheep back in the Land Rover , drives to the forestry and services them all twice for good measure. He returns home completely knackered and falls into bed. In the morning the farmer cant move to get up so he asks his wife to look out of the window for him. She does and he asks her "are the sheep lying down. She replies.....

 

No, they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!!!

 

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

Spoilered for off-camera naughtiness.

 

 

An Australian decides to start sheep farming, and goes to the market and buys six sheep and a ram to breed them. After a few days the ram has not been doing the business so the farmer phones the vet, who tells him that if the ram's no good, he will have to "artificially inseminate" the sheep.

 

Not being very well educated,the farmer hasn't a clue what the vet means but doesn't want to show his ignorance and just asks "how will I know if its worked". The vet replies that if its worked the sheep will be lying down first thing in the morning. The farmer lays awake all that night pondering what artificial insemination is and concludes that he will have to do it himself.

 

First thing next morning he puts the sheep in the back of the Land Rover and drives a few miles out to some secluded forestry as he doesn't think it proper to do it at the farm where his wife might see. He services all six sheep and returns home knackered.

 

Next morning he looks out of the bedroom window at first light and to his disappointment the sheep are standing up. He phones the vet again who explains that sometimes it takes several goes to be successful.

 

Next day he takes the sheep in the back of the Land Rover to the secluded forestry and services them all again,returning home late and exhausted. Again in the morning he looks out of the bedroom window having only just been able to get up due to his exertions only to find the sheep all standing.

 

Right, one more go, so he puts the sheep back in the Land Rover , drives to the forestry and services them all twice for good measure. He returns home completely knackered and falls into bed. In the morning the farmer cant move to get up so he asks his wife to look out of the window for him. She does and he asks her "are the sheep lying down. She replies.....

 

No, they're all in the Land Rover and one of them is honking the horn!!!

 

Worth noting that when we Aussies tell these kinds of jokes, they are always about New Zealanders.

[SSgt Baloo]

Re: Jokes

 

Worth noting that when we Aussies tell these kinds of jokes' date=' they are always about New Zealanders.[/quote']

 

Funny thing, that. The first version I ran across had a Kiwi farmer in the starring role. I forgot to post it then, and when I tried to find it this time, this was the best version I could find. I suppose that makes it the version they tell in New Zealand..? :shrug:

[Ian Mackinder]

Re: Jokes

 

Funny thing' date=' that. The first version I ran across had a Kiwi farmer in the starring role. I forgot to post it then, and when I tried to find it this time, this was the best version I could find. I suppose that makes it the version they tell in New Zealand..? :shrug:[/quote']

 

Could be. I know that Kiwis and their ... close relationship with sheep have long been a part of Aussie humour. Gawd knows what kind of jokes they tell about us.

 

What do you call a Kiwi with 20 wives? A shepherd.

 

What is the Kiwi mating call? Baa-a-a-a.

 

And so on.

[McCoy]

Re: Jokes

 

Worth noting that when we Aussies tell these kinds of jokes' date=' they are always about New Zealanders.[/quote']

And when Americans use an ethnicity in these, it's Scott.