Logan D. Hurricanes Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Re: Jokes What are you' date=' the joke police? You'll never take me alive, copper![/quote'] Guards, cesium! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xavier Onassiss Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Re: Jokes Well, I tried to find a way to get multiple element puns into the same post, but then realized that would only compound the problem.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrosshairCollie Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Re: Jokes These element puns are boron me. You've got some gallium to keep telling them. I might have to go to the palladium forums for escape. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SteveZilla Posted May 1, 2011 Report Share Posted May 1, 2011 Re: Jokes Well' date=' I tried to find a way to get multiple element puns into the same post, but then realized that would only compound the problem....[/quote'] What, you think you're some kind of Einsteinium, do you? What will it take to Curium you of this disease? And before you reply in anger, I suggest you to bite your Tungsten. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 Re: Jokes Considering I was teaching a student about puns the other day, this thread is gold to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes I'm keeping my ion all of you! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes Don't be so negative. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes Oh dear G-d will one of you just try to say something funny for a change? [/curmudgeon] Errm... sorry about that! Carry on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes Oh dear G-d will one of you just try to say something funny for a change? [/curmudgeon] Errm... sorry about that! Carry on. Okay. "Something funny." Happy now? What? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes Okay. "Something funny." Happy now? What? Better. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoloOfEarth Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes An oldie but, well, not necessarily a goodie, but at least it's a joke and not a pun. A glue salesman's car breaks down in a terrible rainstorm, and he trudges through the rain to a nearby farmhouse to phone for a tow truck. However, he's told that due to the weather, they can't get a truck to him until the next morning. The farmer tells the salesman he can stay the night, but that he has to stay away from the farmer's beautiful 17 year old daughter. And to make sure the salesman keeps his distance, the farmer scatters several dozen eggs across the floor of the girl's bedroom. "If I see any of these eggs broken when I check them the next morning," he says, "I'll know you were in here, and I'll go get my shotgun and blow your **** off." The salesman goes to bed, but the daughter is so beautiful that he can't resist at least peeking in her room. So he tiptoes down the hall and cracks open her door. She's sitting on her bed in a flimsy nightgown, smiling at him and motioning him in. He can't resist, so he tries to sneak over to her bed without breaking any eggs. In his eagerness, however, he manages to break more than a few. After an hour or two of mindless passion, the salesman is catching his breath when he notices the broken eggs. Realizing what will happen when the farmer gets up the next day, he thinks quick, then sneaks back to his room for his glue samples. After cleaning up the egg whites and yolk on the floor, he spends the rest of the night gluing the broken egg shells back together before sneaking back to his room. That morning, the farmer "wakes" the salesman and goes to check on his daughter. Seeing all the eggs still scattered across the floor (and after making a quick count to ensure that none are missing), the farmer compliments the salesman on his restraint and offers to have his wife cook the salesman some breakfast before the tow truck arrives. The farmer then collects the eggs and takes them downstairs. The salesman is sitting at the kitchen table, across from the farmer, when the wife takes one of the egg cartons just brought down and selects a few eggs. She cracks the first one open, to discover nothing at all inside. The salesman tries to maintain a nonchalant appearance, but inside he's terrified. The wife cracks another one, and this too has nothing inside the shell. The salesman is starting to sweat, and it's taking all his control to keep from shaking in fear. After the third egg is cracked open, also completely empty, the wife turns to her husband. "Honey," she says angrily, "that dang rooster is shooting blanks again!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted May 4, 2011 Report Share Posted May 4, 2011 Re: Jokes Did you hear that Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan are going to be in a new show? It's called "Two and a Half Grams". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Re: Jokes The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?” The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.” “Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Re: Jokes Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m in such a bad, BAD mood!” “Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely. “See, I met this beautiful woman at lunch, and she invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her stupid husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!” “Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender. “Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on. “When her husband came into the room he said, ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Hold up.’ Then, he went to the window and coughed up some spit and spit it right out the window, right on to me!” “Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.” “Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me. Next the husband said ‘Toilet still broken Honey?’ Then the jerk took a leak right out the bedroom window! Right onto my head!” “Well, that sure would put a damper on anyone’s day! You must have felt like a real peon.” “Well sure, but I haven’t told you what really, really, REALLY got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning up there, with the sun beating down on me, hanging on for dear life. It was terrible. “Damn, that really is a drag!” says the “But you wanna know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY got to me? When I finally looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gewing Posted May 21, 2011 Report Share Posted May 21, 2011 Re: Jokes How is being a wanted terrorist like being a Sockeye salmon? Life is great until the SEALs show up. I didn't come up with it, but wish I did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Re: Jokes Actual headline: Weiner's photo to be disputed in small claims court Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xavier Onassiss Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Re: Jokes I wrote this haiku But it went horribly wrong The last line is too long! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Re: Jokes I once played poker with a Tarot deck. I drew a full house, and five people died. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Re: Jokes I bought some dehydrated water. I don't know what to add. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Re: Jokes I bought some dehydrated water. I don't know what to add. Dehydrated water? Just add water. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Re: Jokes I bought some dehydrated water. I don't know what to add. I bought some batteries. But they weren't included. So I had to buy some more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyper-Man Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Re: Jokes This thread is starting to sound like what would happen if Steven Wright wrote a Thank You letter to Jack Handy for writing Deep Thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nevelon Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Re: Jokes This thread is starting to sound like what would happen if Steven Wright wrote a Thank You letter to Jack Handy for writing Deep Thoughts. You say that like it's a bad thing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Re: Jokes To my knowledge, these are all Steven Wright lines. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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