mattingly Posted February 12, 2011 Report Share Posted February 12, 2011 Re: Jokes A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ... "Years ago, the material we put into our stomachs these days would have killed most of us. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water." "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten it. Can anyone tell me what food it is that causes such grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said; "Wedding Cake." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 13, 2011 Report Share Posted February 13, 2011 Re: Jokes Think of three things you can do with your hair. Got it? Good. Now... Think of three things you can do with the hair on your head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted February 17, 2011 Report Share Posted February 17, 2011 Re: Jokes I had a English teacher who spent Monday thru Thursday showing a 1930's era romantic comedy movie, and Friday giving a quiz on said movie. I learned a lot about 1930's film making, scripts, and sexual innuendo, but little about High School level English. Sounds like a win to me! I had a thought the other day: Do masochists eat Slappy Joes? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tim Posted February 18, 2011 Report Share Posted February 18, 2011 Re: Jokes The other day my boss was teasing me and said I had to bring everyone else a treat the next day. So I did. A whole can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xavier Onassiss Posted February 19, 2011 Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 Re: Jokes Three retired soldiers sit down in adjacent seats on an airplane. As they're waiting for take-off they introduce themselves. The first one stands up, and proclaims "General, US Air Force, two sons, both doctors." The second one stands up, and says "General, US Army, two sons, both lawyers." The third one stands up and announces "Sergeant Major, US Marine Corps, two sons, both generals!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 19, 2011 Report Share Posted February 19, 2011 Re: Jokes Harlequin novel, version 2011 He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking ‘No’ for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . . "Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now." *Ahem!* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tkdguy Posted February 25, 2011 Report Share Posted February 25, 2011 Re: Jokes On that note: FREE HEALTH CARE If you can't afford a doctor, go to the airport. You'll get a free X-ray and breast exam. And if you mention Al Qaeda, you'll get a free colonoscopy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Re: Jokes Told to me by a best-selling novelist: Two drunks meet in a bar. One says, "I'm writing a novel!" The other says, "Neither am I!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 3, 2011 Report Share Posted March 3, 2011 Re: Jokes Nikolai Krestinsky's review of English Grammar For Dummies When i first come to America, my english did cause me problems. In Soviet Russia i was strong teacher, my english i know is the best in all of Petropavlovsk. My brother, Mikhail, he say to me, "Nikolai you go to America, they make you rich like czar, take many woman as lover, kill many bear". My brother, he is very wise, is greatest toymaker in all of Russia. So next day i wake up, sell my house, say goodbye to wife and children, and go to America to become millionaire. Then in America, I go to job interview and they say to me "Nikolai, you are not for the job here, you are not the skills we need, your english is poor like child". I take that man and smash his table, i say "someday i will be greatest man in all of country, your children will wish me their father!". That day my anger is best of me. It is then i know i must learn better english, so i buy book "English Grammer it is for Dummies" by Mr.Woods. Now i am perfect english grammer! I write letter to Mikhail, he write back "Nikolai, your english is like a god, you will be millionaire soon! all of Petropavlovsk is proud for you! good luck brother! please send letter when you are president or maybe even czar! Hahaha! also, your wife is killed by bear". So i say thanks to Mr.Woods for his book! When i am czar your family will be spared! Hahahaha! (is joke). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Re: Jokes Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his vife?" They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home." "Tell him he should drop dead!" yells the wife. "I'll go tell him." says Goldberg. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 10, 2011 Report Share Posted March 10, 2011 Re: Jokes Q. Should I have a baby after 35? A. No, 35 children is enough. Q. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school. Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A. Yes, your bladder. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A. Childbirth. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question? Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model? A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him. Q. How long is the average woman in labor? A. Whatever she says, divided by two. Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. When is the best time to get an epidural? A. Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning? A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you. Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A. Yes, pregnancy. Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids? A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for. Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk? A. In your breasts. Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips. Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q. How does one sanitize nipples? A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q. What are the terrible twos? A. Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A. When you see teeth marks. Q. Do I have to have a baby shower? A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A. When the kids are in college. BoloOfEarth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Re: Jokes Wait, are these supposed to be jokes? Because this list bears a strong resemblance to life at the Pariah household for the past 15 months. (Somebody Rep Mattingly for me, will ya?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Re: Jokes Flashbacks... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrix3 Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Re: Jokes Flashbacks... ...and that's when the destruction began. Wow, Old Man, that sig of yours is just so versatile! It goes with just about anything you post! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hermit Posted March 11, 2011 Report Share Posted March 11, 2011 Re: Jokes Wait, are these supposed to be jokes? Because this list bears a strong resemblance to life at the Pariah household for the past 15 months. (Somebody Rep Mattingly for me, will ya?) I got him for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 13, 2011 Report Share Posted March 13, 2011 Re: Jokes Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mattingly Posted March 16, 2011 Report Share Posted March 16, 2011 Re: Jokes A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor. "Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I’m fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I’m going to explode." Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment. "What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?" "No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common." "Tell me! What is it?" "You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 17, 2011 Report Share Posted March 17, 2011 Re: Jokes Q: How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do at his last party? A: Enough to kill two and a half men. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 Re: Jokes What's Irish and sits out on the deck? Paddy O'Furniture! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teh bunneh Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 Re: Jokes How do we know an Irishman invented the toothbrush? 'Cause if it had been anyone else, they'd've called it a teethbrush. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Narf the Mouse Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 Re: Jokes An Irishman walked out of a bar. Yeah, I don't believe it, either. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shadow Hawk Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 Re: Jokes How are Irish social events listed in the newspaper? "Among the injured were..." How do you tell a Irish wake from a Irish wedding? There's one less drunk at the wake. A American visiting Dublin on Saturday picks up a beautiful Irish redhead and spends the night with her. In the morning he wakes up, sees her sleeping, makes his way to the bathroom for the morning routine, and because he's in a great mood proceeds to whistle happily. When he leaves the bathroom, he finds her up and getting dressed with a angry look on her face. He asks "What's wrong?" She answers... "I won't fornicate with a man who whistles on the Sabbath!" (When it gets to Independence Day, will we tell American Jokes?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SSgt Baloo Posted March 20, 2011 Report Share Posted March 20, 2011 Re: Jokes (When it gets to Independence Day' date=' will we tell American Jokes?)[/quote'] I sure hope so. I'd like to know jokes that my hosts from other countries were too polite to say to my face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 20, 2011 Report Share Posted March 20, 2011 Re: Jokes Three statisticians go out hunting together. After a while, they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots; the second aims and undershoots; the third shouts out “We got him!” Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Logan D. Hurricanes Posted March 20, 2011 Report Share Posted March 20, 2011 Re: Jokes Q. Did you hear the one about the statistician? A. Probably... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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