Quote of the Week from my gaming group...

[Drhoz]

Terzo's friend Bertuscio, lawyer with a night job of vigilante. The portrait was him 20 years ago, so the Beard of Awesome is no longer ginger.

 

[tkdguy]

Quote transferred to "Quote of the Week From My Life" thread, where it belongs.

Edited April 1 by tkdguy

[Ragitsu]

"Do not worry! They are fearful of the electricity."

"AS AM I!"

[Cancer]

"I'm somewhere in Siberia, next to a house with a blue roof.  Come get me."

[Pariah]

"Dear Diary: Nothing happened today, which means that nothing bad happened. Which is good." 

[Pariah]

"Sounds to me like if you make it to the throne, you can probably sit there for the rest of your life." 

[Pariah]

"I'm gonna teach my cockatrice how to play this harmonica!" 

[Weldun]

"We are NOT waterboarding the werewolf!"

[Christougher]

4 hours ago, Weldun said:

"We are NOT waterboarding the werewolf!"

 

Could be worse.  Do it to a vampire.  With Holy Water, of course...

[Stanley Teriaca]

14 minutes ago, Christougher said:

 

Could be worse.  Do it to a vampire.  With Holy Water, of course...

Forget Holy. Waterboard the Vampire with something they can't cross...running water.

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : Hell's Rebels - Don't Let Your Sons Grow Up To Be Blackshirts

 

Barzillai Thrune has more than one reason to be annoyed with us - by seizing control of Kintargo’s Redroof district, we’ve cut off bridge access to the mainland. So any supplies going to the Temple of Asmodeus are going to have to come by sea. Of course the patchwork of areas held by Thrune’s forces and the rebellion, combined with the curfew, and not to mention the dragon, means everybody is going to have to tighten their belts. We’d better ensure that food keeps coming along the Ravounel Road through the swamp, or our rebellion could go rapidly tits up. 

 

Shimza and the dragon Rivozair aren’t the only pyromaniacs active in the city either - some of Thrune’s dottari are setting houses in Redroof on fire. Fortunately we manage to get everybody out first, but some people are fleeing town anyway. An inept attempt to vandalise a noble’s house is blamed on the Silver Ravens, but it’s not like the real Ravens would graffiti their own name over everything. Nonetheless, some of the nobles do think more favourably of Thrune afterwards.
 

Anyway, the Bleakbridge situation - if we’re going to retake the span and presumably reduce the toll back to something reasonable, we need to get the Tengu gang that Thrune hired as extra muscle onto our side. Chuko, purveyor of fine goods to adventurers everywhere, wants help with the meetup with his cousin.  Potentially tricky, considering how many blackshirts are patrolling the bridge.

 

Ayva: Here’s a Hat of Disguise - wear it and think of anything not Tengu.
Civilla: I also point out that I have an Invisibility spell that can cover all of us. Also a permanent Detect Magic.
Ayva: 'We're negotiating in good faith!’ ‘So that Invisible Stalker in the corner isn’t yours?’
Invisible Stalker: No, I’m mine.
Civilla: Then why are you still here? Your kind HATE the material plane. I can get you home easily.

 

On the other hand, completely humiliating the authorities by trashing all these dottari patrols is also a good step in the rebellion at this point too. 

 

Ayva: The dottari will start having ‘accidents’.

 

But regardless of how many blackshirts there are, and how many gang members are acting as lookouts, they probably aren’t prepared for a party that arrives invisible, from underwater, and have a reputation for ‘creative problem solving’.

 

Civilla: Exactly how strong are your brothers' morals, Chuko? Does he enjoy hurting people?
GM: He gives a longwinded explanation that boils down to ‘Chaotic Neutral’.
Civilla: Oh good. Because I'm going to have the moss that’s growing everywhere choke the dotarri to death. Everybody Evil, at least. 

 

But let's chat with Ravzee the Tengu first, so he can make sure all his more morally questionable gang members are on the rooftops when the vegetation turns Triffid. Rajira heads into arrange the meeting, with Luster the homunculus trailing behind just in case. She rappels down the side of the bridge and in the gang leader's window.

 

Civilla: ‘Listen to me very carefully - I will say this only once’.

 

He agrees to a meeting on shore, that evening. Hopefully this isn’t a trap. 

 

Ayva: You know that ‘sudden and inevitable betrayal’?
Rajira: Let’s make in ‘evitable’.
Ravzee: You ARE a very capable group of adventurers, or so I’ve heard.
Civilla: We’re not adventurers. 
Rajira: We’re revolutionaries.
Ayva: And you can’t prove we had anything to do with anything so you can’t prove anything.
Civilla: You know that group of prisoners that vanished from the salt works? 
Ayva: Nothing to do with us. Those Hellknights that vanished from the city?
Rajira: We were nowhere in the vicinity. All those demons at the Opera House? 
Civilla: Nobody saw a thing. Anyway, you should make sure none of your people are outside tonight. 

 

Ravzee was initially pleased that we agreed to ally with him, but after all that and the instruction to get everybody inside on the signal on the signal of three red lights, he’s starting to wonder exactly who he’s allied with. Terzo is wondering the same thing.

 

Dottari One: What are those red lights?
Dottari Two: Where are they all off to?
Dottari One: *sees all their overwatch racing inside and slamming their shutters down* Oh f***.

 

Every evil NPC still outside gets eaten by seaweed and moss, or so grappled that they can’t defend themselves as we stroll through cutting throats. 

 

Civilla: *sings* Tiptoe, through the tulips, with meeeee.

 

Some of the less sturdy jetties and structures get somewhat crushed as well.

 

Ayva: ‘My goddess is a loving god’ “Yes, And?’
Civilla: She’s a hugger.

 

There is, however, a more experienced officer in the vicinity, although she did get a bit of a shock when she opened a window to see what all the screaming was and got a facefull of carnivorous kudzu. 

 

Dottari: We surrender!
Bertuscio: Surrender is not an option. 
Civilla: He’s wheeling out the portable guillotine. 
Terzo: VERMIN! SCUM! YOU SIDE AGAINST YOUR COUNTRYMEN AND WITH THE FORCES OF HELL? THEN BURN!!!!!

 

They certainly do - Blistering Invective is especially effective against people who can’t run away.

 

Random Dottari: Um, actually there’s these things called contracts and technically Cheliax is formally aligned with Hell, so- AIEEE I’M ON FIRE

 

Rajira OoC: Let’s face it, we do Shock and Awe better than the US Air Force.
Ayva OoC: And with fewer information leaks.

 

The Tengu and the merchants push their backs against the rear walls of their buildings and shops as the growing weeds bust through the doors. Thankfully none of them are evil, so other than one hell of a fright, they’re safe. Vanneses Trex, on the other hand, is attempting to escape, so she’s lucky the horse isn’t evil. Well, the HORSE is lucky - Trex is still ensnared. 

 

Rajira: Terzo, maybe you could reassure the rest of those present?
Terzo: ONLY THE EVIL NEED FEAR OUR WRATH
Civilla: Just as well you didn’t say ‘The innocent have nothing to fear’ because where would that leave us?

 

Rajira: Hey there. Surrender or die.
Vanneses Trex: NEVER!
Terzo: To which bit?

 

Jatembe's Ire is such a useful spell, especially if there are some people on the other side that aren’t actually evil.

 

Civilla: ‘Wait, the spell didn’t work on you? Come join our side, we have better parties - for one thing you don't have to worry if you’ll get sacrificed.’

 

Still, the entire complement of Dotarri on the Bleakbridge have been turned into compost, and the Tengu gang are now firmly allied with the revolution. Admittedly, they’d have to be out of their minds to side AGAINST us after that little display. Lord-Mayor Barzillai is less than thrilled - his control of the city is now critically low. And once we’ve rescued Jackdaw from the dungeons of the keep, we can cast the Song of Silver and hopefully make Kintargo even more uncomfortable for him and his ilk. 
 

Edited May 29 by Drhoz

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : Chronicles of Selversgard : Year 11

 

Gonno and Cerebus are debating custody over a +4 belt of Giant Strength.

 

Cerebus: Oh, he can use the belt for work. but if we have to go and murder something, I'm taking it right off him.

Cerebus (OoC): And yes, I am suddenly imagining the comedy moment of Cerebus kneeling down in front of Gonno and trying to Undo the belt when Eddison walks in, pauses for a moment, goes "okay, you two do you" and walks out again.

 

Eddison the aquatic elf innkeeper has a problem. That problem is we’re going to have to punch him unconscious every hour until the Aboleth’s mind control wears off. Either that or we forcefeed him and the other victims some experimental purging potions, and see if they still want to kill us. Of course, after the experimental potions they might want to kill us anyway.

Of course there’s also the project of looting the underwater structure of everything not nailed down, and collapsing it to ensure it never gets used again. Shrink Item and Waterproofing are handy for the former. Unfortunately none of us are aware of what happens when volcanic vents get sealed. No doubt we or our descendants will all find out when it violently explodes.

 

Perhaps Kernal can create some kind of amulet or tattoo to further enhance Gonno's punches.

 

Gonno’s player: Some kind of magical item that will help me Fist better would be appreciated.
Eddison’s player: AGH.
Cerebus’ player: PHRASING.

 

Well, at least the volcano doesn’t erupt in the next six months, so the two interesting visitors to Eddison’s Inn don’t have to slog their way through molten lava and pyroclastic fallout to get there.The visitors have a very strong physical similarity - practially twins. The pair are Kell Vanderstaas and her brother Mikel, from Cheliax. Kernel recalls that the Vanderstaas family were part of Cheliax’ expansion efforts in the Mwangi expanse, and were of ill repute even before their reputation suffered even as the colonisation efforts did. At least they’re spending liberally, even though they are surprised to find a place of the Drowned Carp’s quality in a backwater village. Of course everybody IN the village is aware that nobody has come upriver or down in over a week, so these two must have come overland. By themselves. Through quite dangerous country.

 

As proved by the sudden arrival of an excited villager.

 

Villager: THERE’S A DRAGON COMING!!!!
Eddison: *blink* I’m sorry, what?
Villager: THERE’s a DRAGON approaching THE VILLAGE.
Kernel: *sniffs the villager for signs of alcohol use*
Cerberus: OI, GONNO - BELT!
Gonno: Welp time for me to drop my pants
Kernel: How many times have I told you about phrasing, Gonno? I get the impression I’ll still be telling you when I’m dead.

 

At least Eddison has someone to man the bar while he’s off dealing with the situation. We go grab our respective tools and meet at the village gate - Kragor and the militia seem pleased to see us, and Djeketh is already here. We’re less pleased when one of the fields goes up in a cloud of flame while we’re scanning the sky for signs of the dragon. Because the dragon, a young Red, is WALKING to the village, and nobody bothered to mention this to us.

 

Eddison: The dragon CHOOSING NOT TO FLY is always relevant information!

 

The dragon torches the corn fields on the other side of the road. At least it’s too young to cause Dragonfear.

 

Cerebus (OoC): Will save to not get deafened by the sound of popcorn!

 

Arram hits it in the face with a Radiance spell.

 

Dragon: OW.
Eddison: Wow, it really is young.
Kernel: That was remarkably petulant.

 

Kernel: KEEP AWAY FROM THE POINTY END
Arram: I’m pretty sure most parts of a dragon are pointy.

 

The dragon sees a bunch of apparently determined adventurers converging on it, and to our considerable surprise, flies away at some speed. We return to assist the bucket chain putting out the fire, after Arram gives the dragon further encouragement in the form of another Burst of Radiance.

 

Dragon: OOOOOWWWWW

 

Kell was concentrating on some kind of amulet, which reveals that the dragon was Desiring Gold as it burned the field.

 

Eddison: And it come HERE? Oh. It was paid to torch the fields.
Kell: Somebody doesn’t like you.

 

Hitting the fields at the height of summer is certainly the best time to do it to ruin Selversgard’s food stores. Although the presence of us ‘adventurers’ was apparently a surprise, so it probably wasn’t the local druids. Kell is quite interested in hearing about all the other enemies we’ve made around here. 

 

Arram: Everybody that knew about some of those is dead - or were until you just mouthed off about it.

 

Kell offers to investigate who might have hired the dragon, after she and her brother have finished their own work up this way. 

 

Kell: In fact we can deal with that right now - Djeketh the Hunter! You are under arrest by order of the Cheliaxian Inquisition. Surrender or Die.
Eddison: … say what.
Kernel: Uh, Djeketh, any ideas what this is about?
Djeketh: I’m afraid I do. I made some mistakes in my youth. 

 

Although we are well outside the borders of Cheliax here, and Selversgard is an independent township anyway.

 

Arram: You’re about a century late to have any authority here.
Djeketh: By what right do yo-
Kell: BY THE RIGHT YOU MURDERED OUR PARENTS YOU F***

 

Djeketh seems to deflate at that, and surrenders - Mikel manacles him and they march him back into town. 

 

The twins return to Eddison’s inn after securing Djeketh in Kragor’s care. He takes the opportunity to check their writ. It seems legit, but handing over Djeketh to the tender mercies of Cheliax still grates. In fact, he sets out to convince the town Council to refuse the extradition. It’s a hard sell - some of them want to maintain good relations with the neighbouring superpowers. He has Arram make the speech, but loses his temper anyway.

 

Eddison: Why didn’t you present your writ to the council?
Kell: I didn’t see the need.
Eddison: There you have it, law and order my arse!
Kell: Mr. Eddison, you will sit down, you are not recognised by the Council.
Eddison: Of course not, I’m not a local, I can go get f***ed.
Gonno: Would there be any issue with trying and sentencing him here?
Kell: I have no objection, as long as the sentence is death.

 

Djeketh is brought back in to present his own account.

 

Djeketh: In my youth I was a member of the Resistance against the Chelliaxian invasion.

 

And apparently it’s true, even without casting Zone of Truth or the equivalent. Even though Cheliax would never recognise the legitimacy of the Resistance, Djeketh admits that he also killed civilian targets, which included the twins parents, even if they were political types. The council retires to debate, asking everybody but Arram to leave. If they do decide to try him here, we’ll have to get a Hellknight in to do the execution - not that it’s much of a trial, once he’s confessed.

 

Eddison OoC: ‘A fair trial followed by a hangin’’
Arram OoC: Gallows don’t really work in Pathfinder - falling damage is too low.

 

The execution goes without anything like demons stealing Djeketh’s soul or body, but none of us want anything to do with the Hellknights or the Vanderstaas’s afterwards. Eddison’s discovery that Kell and Mikel are also lovers just cements his disgust.

 

Eddison also gets word from his cousin - he’s being sent a family member to look after. A drunken wizard polymorphs Cerebus’ entire herd of pigs into sheep. He has to pay through his nose to get it fixed. Gonno’s rival carpenter dies midwinter - Gonno makes sure that his family are provided for.

 

GM: You’re a good person.

 

Kernel's apprentice is getting emotionally attached - a situation the wooden construct finds disturbing.

 

Arram: Oof, that’s gotta be nasty, splinters in all the wrong places.
Cerebus: I’m sure he uses Varnish!
Kernel: Children are not going to happen.
GM: I seriously doubt you have the plumbing.
Arram: He’s four levels off getting Craft Rod.
 

Edited May 29 by Drhoz

[Steve]

I suppose you could technically do an execution and then a Raise Dead later on after the Chelaxians leave, so the sentence was carried out. It just didn’t last long.

[Stanley Teriaca]

8 minutes ago, Steve said:

I suppose you could technically do an execution and then a Raise Dead later on after the Chelaxians leave, so the sentence was carried out. It just didn’t last long.

Reminds me of Delissious in Dungion. The place is cursed so that it is painfuly easy to raise the dead there.

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : The 12th Year of the Chronicles of Selversgard

 

24th of Abadias, 4720 AR

 

Chill Factor -20, an early evening. The Drowned Carp is quiet, since most people don’t want to travel as far as the edge of town in this weather. Two of the regulars are whiling away the time learning a Drow boardame.

 

Arram: Plus looking out on the river is much more enjoyable in summer.

 

Skiri Olafsdottir’s husband comes in, and seems perturbed to see that Eddison is there. Apparently Skiri is missing, and he was checking whether it was that Aboleth again by seeing if Eddison had vanished too. The last time he saw her was at lunchtime. Gonno runs off to check at the watchtower in case she left by the village gate - all he finds is one militiawoman shivering under a pile of furs. She hasn’t seen anybody, but she probably hasn’t seen much past her own breath all day. He lends her his Cloak of Resistance.  

 

Kernel: Stop lending NPCs major magical items.
Gonno: She needs it more than I do.

 

Eddison checks the boats - all accounted for, although there's a brief alarm before he finds one drawn up onto the bank for repairs. The others head around to the Fisherman’s Arms to ask there - many fishermen singing lewd songs about hedgehogs. One of her coworkers saw her in the afternoon - she was complaining she wasn’t feeling well and went to her office at the guild, where she has a cot. We go around to check her office - it’s barred from the inside. Eddison can hear squeaking and tapping - one of the shutters is open. He finds tracks heading away from the building. Pity Cerberus is unavailable - he’s down with boar flu. Gonno attempts to follow the footprints - they lead to one of the town gates and off into the woods. There’s a pile of clothing at the edge of the forest. 

 

Arram: Well that’s not a good sign.

 

They’ve all been cut off with a very sharp knife, but there’s no sign of blood. 

 

Kernel: I don’t know enough about paradoxical undressing to know what that means.

 

At least the bare footprints are easier to follow under the trees, without the wind obliterating them. The way that Skiri is being dragged at some points, without ANY sign of who is doing the dragging, is a bit worrying. Eventually we reach a clearing. There’s a lone figure lying out in the open, who we approach, shoeshoes crunching. It’s Skiri - she’s been staked out, and there is a lot of dried blood on her back. At least she’s still alive. As Gonno cuts her free there is a loud screaming in the trees, which doesn’t distract him from noticing the ceramic disc balanced on one of the stakes. He nudges Arram, who casts Comprehend Languages to read the writing on it. It’s a prayer to Zon-Kuthon, God of Pain and Mutilation. It’s probably relevant that tonight is a major calendar event in the cult of Zon-Kuthon, where somebody is tortured to death after a ten-day of pampering.

 

GM: Maybe they decided to skip to the end. 

 

We hit Skiri with an Endure Elements and onto Tenser’s Floating Disc just as an enormous chitinous beast with white-hot glowing plates bursts from the treeline. It’s a Remorhaz.

 

GM: And nowhere near as rare as people would like.

 

Eddison’s Web spell immediately burns away. The fact that parts of it are already blazing with heat imply that Arram’s usual spells are unlikely to do much either. Gonno is understandably reluctant to run up and punch it, for the same reason. Especially after the dagger he hurls at it melts. Maybe he should get some Shuriken - they’re carpentry tools for one thing. 

 

The thing Eddison tries next - Mystic Bolts - goes horribly wrong. Or possibly horribly right. Because it accidentally opens a portal to another plane and the Remorhaz falls in. 

 

Eddison: WTF.
Kernel: I take it that wasn’t supposed to happen?
Arram: Zon-Kuthon can have the Tiger Balm Centipede instead. 

 

Now would be a good time to run back to the village.

 

Eddison: We’re actually intelligent enough to walk and chew gum at the same time.

 

Half-frozen Militiawoman: Who Goes There?
Eddison: Challenge me like that again and I’ll launch a Snapdragon Firework into your face!
Militiawoman: Please?
Arram: Don’t threaten the militia when they’re doing their job. Besides, she can’t see us at this distance - WE’RE the ones with Low Light Vision.

 

Mother Maybell does what she can for Skiri - she’s going to lose fingers and toes to frostbite, even if we can regrow them later, and someone carved Zon-Kuthon’s cult image into her back. We have a cultist in town. Skiri doesn’t remember much useful about her attacker, other than the fact that she KNOWS the shutters on her office window were latched and locked, and the cultist was human-sized. The figure was hooded, covered head to toe in black and white, and wearing snow-goggles. Careful questioning reveals the figure was probably speaking Tien, which definitely narrows things down. Opening second-storey shutters from outside was certainly an achievement. As was running on snow without leaving a print. Do we have a cultist ninja on the loose?

 

Gonno OoC: Well, all we need is a few hundred more ninjas and they’ll be easy to deal with.

 

It’s not the first time someone has tried to actually kill Skiri, either - there was that poisoned bottle of wine during the elections two years back. We do have one option from here, but it’ll require a large mirror. Happily, we can make one from molten silver, using Arram’s Burning Hands, if we have a proper mold - such as Eddison’s Floating Disc. And his Mud Buddy to polish it.

 

GM: And now you have a space telescope.
Kernel: We are nowhere NEAR tolerances for that. 
GM: Well maybe the original.

 

It’s a pity that even after all that work, the spell fizzles - the ninja is magically resisting tracking. And is probably now aware that someone is magically tracking them.

 

Kernel: OK, who suddenly left town? Roll Call!

 

We keep recasting, until we get an image and location - she’s a brunette, and get a good enough image to make a wanted poster, but by then she’s not only fled to Magnimar, she’s halfway to Riddleport. That will make it difficult to find out who hired her, and why. Somebody really wants Skiri dead. And going by the magical resonance on that clay disc with the prayer to Zon-Kuthon, there’s a temple to that evil deity somewhere quite near Selversard.

 

Time passes, and Arram has realised something odd about that monastery of Aroden near town - there SHOULD be a temple adjacent, and he’s never seen it. Gonno is going to be a dad again - what is IN the water around Selversgard? Case in point - Mikki is pregnant.

 

Eddison: Who’s the father?
Mikki: You’re the only person I’ve slept with in the last six months.
Eddison: *Buffering*

 

It’s extremely surprising because BOTH of them have been taking contraceptives. 

 

Eddison: If I’m going to be a father It will be to an elf. I have no intention of burying a child - I’ve seen too many people in this town have to do that. 

 

If he’s that determined to find a mate of the same species as himself, perhaps Eddison should promote an idea to attract other Forlorn Aquatic Elves to Selversgard.

 

Eddison: Become miners.
Kernel: … what.
Eddison: We’ve got a flooded silver mine *right there*
 

[Drhoz]

On 5/30/2024 at 1:57 AM, Steve said:

I suppose you could technically do an execution and then a Raise Dead later on after the Chelaxians leave, so the sentence was carried out. It just didn’t last long.

Pharasma, goddess of the dead, might have opinions about that sort of thng. It messes up her very busy schedule for one thing.

[Drhoz]

Dealing with weird audio issues.

‘We’re down to ‘reboot everything and get an old priest and a young priest’”

 

After some months of searching, we narrowed down the approximate location of that temple of Zon-Kuthon. It then takes a few more months to work up the courage to investigate the aforementioned temple of Zon-Kuthon. When a god of beauty somehow gets transformed into a god of mutilation and pain who enjoys spreading it around, you have reasons for concern. 

 

Cerebus: You’re telling me that not only are there a bunch of Elder Things literally chilling out in the river nearby, there’s a temple to the *Midnight Lord*?!  *sigh* …I came here to raise pigs…
Eddison: I came here to get in on the ground floor of a growing settlement. 
GM: There’s a reason nobody has established a town around here before.

 

Kernel: If you Rage for more than four hours, see a physician.

 

Happily, with all our new buffs like magical mounts and Gonno’s increasing Monk abilities, we can get to the location of the temple in less than a day, and camp far enough away to recover spells and hopefully avoid patrols. The Prince of Pain’s temple appears to be a hill, with a definite road leading north. The implication that the temple has enough visitors to keep the road clear is a worry. There are definitely bootprints. There are also two orcs on guard, wearing the mercenary badges of the Green Blades. Bit weird to find them working with Kuthites. 

 

Eddison: One of these days you’re going to have to explain why a schoolteacher is so familiar with the local mercenary groups.
Arram: I went to university.
Eddison: SO DID I. I suppose the difference is that I went with friends. Much Drinking. Much Rejoicing. At least one crossbow wedding.

 

The villagers debate whether or not to just attack, or give the mercs a chance to go have a smoke break. Gonno points out that we don't know if they’re just here to protect some archaeologists, since we have no idea when the temple was actually last USED.

 

Arram’s player: Arram is all offensive power even in his social skills. 

 

We eventually decide to just walk up and see how they react.

 

Orc: Halt! Please! This is a holy temple! We are guarding it and the temple is not taking visitors at this time!

 

The ‘please’ is a good sign but the Kuthites will probably complain about the ‘holy’ description. 

 

Orc: We’re not being paid to debate points of view.

 

They ARE being paid to protect the priests inside.

 

Eddison: No way to persuade you to just move along then?
Orc: Thanks for the offer - very civilized of you - but no. 
Cerebus: Well, we tried - CHARGE

 

Due to a strange magical mishap that has the target and Eddison swapping places, one of the orcs appears right next to Cerebus. Who proceeds to reduce them to a pink mist.

 

Cerebus: Hi! *claw claw claw stomp stomp*

 

Eddison, on the other hand, takes a similar amount of damage from the other orc. At least he has more Hit Points to absorb it. The rest of the orc mercenaries emerging from the hill are going to be a problem. Turning one into glowing frozen orc bits reduces the danger. Eddison’s massive spine wound is still an issue.

 

Eddison: Lets just say I don't want to have to touch my toes anytime soon. It could have permanent consequences.
Arram: Easier though, you’re hinged.

 

At least two of the orcs SURVIVE the 30 seconds - they did seem honorable fighters. We tie them up and leave them be.

 

Kernel: By the time they wake up, we’ll either be on our way back to Selversgard, or dead.
Arram: Either way, I don't think they’re getting paid for this job.

The first four clerics we find are barricaded behind wooden beds - they presumably heard all the violence outside and were concerned it ended so quickly. 

 

Cultist: Get out of here! You aren’t welcome!
Cerebus: Of all the gods you could worship - Zon-Kuthon? Really?
Cultist: HE WILL RULE!

 

A single spell from Arram kills everybody in the room.

 

Kernel: The wizard could have punched them out, what the hell.
GM: They’re first-level humans, I KNOW how much damage Arram can dish out.
Cerebus: Well if the rest of the place is like this, any of you guys want to try the mercenaries’ stew?

 

There’s a winch set up in the next room, with human arm bones hanging from manacles, suspended over a pool. 

 

Cerebus: Giant shark then?
Kernel: Believe me a giant shark would be preferable. *throws some jerky into the pool, where it is seized and devoured by black tentacles*
Arram: Good thinking that man

 

We distract the beast with another snack and make our way around the pool at speed. The temple gets even more revolting after that, to the point that Cerberus has to morph his snout back to humans so he can put a peg on it. One of the victims in here was apparently force fed to death. It's all very unpleasant.

 

Cerebus: I’ve seen some creepy stuff in my time, but this takes the cake…

 

The last few chambers have been deliberately shaped, has a statue of the god, and the remaining two clerics certainly knew we were coming.

 

High Cleric: Can I help you?
Eddison: Burst of Radiance. *atomizes the lesser Cleric*
High Cleric: Fireball.
Cerebus: Welp, had to happen sometime… *FWOOSH*

 

For a High Cleric of Zon-Kuthon she still goes down quickly enough, especially after a flurry of Boots To The Head.

 

GM: Do you want to take the giant rubies that form the statue’s eyes?
Gonno: HELL NO
Kernel: At least not until I've finished Deconsecrating it. 
Cerebus: So, how do we Deconsecrate an evil altar, anyway? Put puppies and daisies on it?

 

At least we can avoid dealing with the Black Pudding in the pool, if we leave and collapse the temple entrance on the way. Cerebus collects the stew on the way and leaves it for the surviving orcs - it probably ISN’T human meat, but who knows whether or not the Kuthites provided the meat. Cerebus writes a hasty note: “Sorry, just couldn’t abide evil people. Enjoy the stew!”
 

[Weldun]

"Oh, I'm sorry! But I was taught magic by my sleep paralysis demon!"

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : Hell's Rebels - someday I'm gonna be free

 

Since The Ghosts of Kintargo caused a ghastly plant-induced massacre on the Bleakspan Bridge, Thrune’s control of the city is starting to look a little shaky. For one thing every blackshirt on the bridge got turned into blood and bone fertiliser. He can’t even organise a counterstrike.

 

Ayva: He doesn’t have the authority.
Terzo: He doesn’t have the blackshirts.

 

Time for another jailbreak - we have a good record with those.

 

Terzo OoC: Today is going to be Bastille Day.

 

Admittedly we really have to focus on getting one person out - Jackdaw, from the original Silver Ravens. She’s been imprisoned in the Keep for 75 years, so her state of mind is unlikely to be the best.

 

GM: Everybody else in there is actually a criminal, supposedly. It’s where they put the worst of the worst.
Rajira OoC: Them or very bad sausage.
Ayva: … oh. That was a pun.

 

Normally an assault on Kintargo Keep would be foolish in the extreme, but most of the guards and Hellknights assigned to it are out patrolling the streets. If we go in through the wall we don’t even have to enter the rest of the building. Admittedly the dragon might spot us if we fly up to the tower. Rajira scouts ahead, and very nearly runs afoul of our growing overconfidence. Paralictor Kyrre Ekodyre, the high-ranking Hellknight of the Rack currently in charge at the keep, misses spotting her by inches. Rajira does overhear some interesting conversations as she follows the Paralictor around, however - she views her appointment to Kintargo a stepping stone to running her own Hellknights, but has some major concerns about the contract the Rack has with Thrune, and more about the way the Order of the Torrent got outlawed. She might actually be converted to our side, if we can prove Barzillai Thrune is a complete piece of s***. We’ve got ABUNDANT proof of that, but his contract with the Skinsaw Cult psychopaths is probably our best bet. Of course the Rack would also object to the fact that the contract was printed on a printing press. 

 

Civilla is unwilling to work with the Order of the Rack.

 

Rajira: We don’t have to work WITH them, we just need them to step aside for a bit.

 

Rajira leaves the dungeon in a hurry when the Paralictor meets with the warden - because she can tell the warden is an undead, and it looks RIGHT at her.

 

Rajira wants to meet the Paralictor to discuss Thrune’s bastardry, although the fact that one of the Rack’s tenants is ‘Though the flag of no nation has my alliance, every rebel is my foe.’ is probably going to be a problem. She leaves a note folded on her desk.

 ‘I wish to meet to discuss a matter of great importance to your Order. Please meet us at the Town Hall at dusk. We bear no ill-will towards you’

 

Heavy disguise is a must - we do not under any circumstances wish to be recognised, or even hint at any connection to the group of heroes that have become such a thorn in Thrune’s side. We should probably limit ourselves to the core members of the Ghosts of Kintargo, plus Bertuscio for the legal acumen, so Civilla can Dimension Door everybody out if things go south.

 

Civilla OoC: It’s amazing how they give us an espionage-based campaign, then expect us to be bad at it.

 

Ekodyre is waiting outside the Town Hall when we arrive, with three of her best Hellknights. But then we didn’t ask her to come alone, because she obviously wouldn’t trust any secret message that asked her to.

 

Rajira: We’ve come across some information about Thrune we think you should know.
Ayva: And it’s not the kind of thing we wanted to hand over to the Dottari. 

 

Ekodyre takes the document carefully, and her eyes bug out as she reads it.

 

Ekodyre: What sedition is this??
Rajira: It is nothing more than the information we received. And nothing less.
Ekodyre: The Lord-Mayor consorting with…
Civilla: Skinsaw Cultists? Yes.
Rajira: The Order of the Rack has a very strict moral code. I am fairly sure this violates it.

 

We don’t even need to bluff, since all the information we actually give her is entirely true.

 

Ayva OoC: We’re killing things with the truth today, for once.

 

Ekodyre is suitably furious, and intends to go straight to the Lord-Mayor to confront him about it.

 

Rajira: Before you do, there is something we require - someone in fact, that we need to acquire.
Ekodyre: *eyes us suspiciously but can guess what we’re hinting at*
Terzo: You might want to take all possible precautions when you confront the Lord-Mayor - he’s unlikely to react generously to this information.
Ekodyre: Well obviously. I’ll be taking my best knights… the prisoners can rot in their cells, I have work to do.
Ayva: I think that's as clear a go-signal as we’re going to get.
Civilla OoC: Have fun storming the temple!

 

Rajira: We probably don’t want to Dimension Door into the keep - there’s a Lich down there.
Civilla: Next time lead with that.
Ayva: Exactly how sure are you about this?
Rajira: Crown, magic user, intelligent undead - that spells lich to me.
Terzo: Well, hopefully we can get in and out without the lich spotting us.
Ayva: I HiGHLY doubt it.

 

We collect the rest of the Ghosts and head into the keep, despite the curfew.

 

GM: No rest for the wicked - or the righteous.
Rajira: Which are we?

 

The keep is eerily quiet.

 

Ayva: ‘Housekeeping!’

 

Rajira’s scouting earlier certainly saves us time finding our way to the cells, but it’s not just the ground levels of the keep that are deserted - every cell we check before we find the lich are empty, or occupied only by long-dead remains. No wonder the keep was being run by a skeleton crew. We brace ourselves to attack the undead.

 

Lich: Come in, come in, more visitors. What are you doing scratching at the door?
All: …
Ayva: Well, we’ve been invited in, it would be rude not to respond.
Lich: My, what a large group!
Civilla: You have a prisoner - we’re releasing her.
Lich: Releasing? I’m fairly sure she’s here for life. Or at least until she starves. I’ve been doing my best to prevent that but she’s a bit stubborn in that regard. I’d still prefer to see your permits.
Rajira: Oh we don’t have anything like that. We’re just informing you out of respect for your position. We have no objection to you continuing to exist - please step aside.
Lich:…You DO understand who and what I am? Even if you do destroy me I'll simply come back and hunt you down. Well let's get this over with. *kicks over the door and starts spellcasting*
Terzo: *somewhat appalled at our lack of even basic diplomacy* That could have gone better.
Civilla: *casts Telekinetic Grapple, a spell that allows no saves* I’m fairly sure wizards find it quite difficult to cast when Grappled. See? This is how I deal with spellcasters. 
Lich: Wait, what?
Rajira: *stab*
Lich: Phantoms! To me!
Civilla: Counterspell.
Rajira: *stab*
Lich: *attempts to cast Divine Favour on herself*
Civilla: Denied.
Rajira: *stab*
Shimza: Huh. Ok. Force Focus. SCORCHING RAY! *crits, revealing a Vulnerability to Fire*
Ayva: Fiery Breath of the Dragon.
GM: … … ... Ayva. Describe the kill.
Civilla: Wait, what?
GM: She was supposed to keep casting healing on herself! This was supposed to be a Combat Rating 12 encounter!
Civilla: Instead she got Grappled in the first round. OK, loot her stuff.
Ayva: So, how long until she reconstitutes herself from the phylactery?
Civilla: Weeks, if I recall correctly. Keep an eye open for these ‘phantoms’.

 

We can hear something heavy hurrying down from upstairs. Unfortunately the cell door has been fused solid.

 

Ayva: F*** it. Disintegrate. I don’t have time for this s***.

 

Huddled in the back of the cell, covered in filthy rags and a rusting iron faceplate, is an elven woman. Hopefully this is Jackdaw.

 

Jackdaw: I didn’t expect to be fed this week.
Rajira: That's OK, I’m Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap, this is my friend Jailbreak, we’re here to get you out.
Civilla: *uses a scroll of Heal to fix her up and incidentally also cure any mental illness.* 1,650 gp for a scroll of "fix them up!"

 

Ayva: OK, we’ve de-petrified the diva and de-vampirised the Mayor, and rescued Jackdaw.
Terzo: We’re getting the band back together.

Ayva: Let’s get out of here.

 

Everybody Dimensional Doors out before the Phantom Armours arrive. A few days later, the lich regenerates in a long-forgotten vault in Egorian, under a house now belonging to a rival family after hers long-since died out.

 

Lich: Where the f*** am I.
Civilla OoC: Hashtag Sorry-Not-Sorry.
 

[JackValhalla]

"Oh, so this is a performative thunderstorm."

 

"I need it for my respiration."

 

"Oh, that's a suboptimal alpha product testing protocol."

 

"Oh, great."

 

"I hate Shakespeare."

 

"Do you got a poem for that, big shot?"

 

"I don't want detention."

 

"Hot chocolate for you."

 

"Superhero Landing!"

 

"Oh, of course there's glass in Venice."

 

"Perhaps a potion of some kind?"

 

"We need knives."

Edited July 3 by JackValhalla

[JackValhalla]

"Oh, my PR team can handle some broken bones."

 

"Chuck, candy drop stat."

 

"I'm a two-trick pony!"

 

"Literally tentacles on your tentacles."

 

"I didn't kill him, the ocean killed him."

 

"I live for the thrill!"

 

"That's the guy that killed me!"

 

"Hang on, you guys are kind of assholes. I'm on the wrong team here."

 

"Your brain did it to you this time. I empathize but also mock you."

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : Hell's Rebels - Gotta A Dragon On My Back

 

Lord-Mayor Barzillai Thrune's grip on Kintargo is crumbling. Even his devil-bound blue dragon Rivozair is spending most of her time perched on the Temple of Asmodeus, rather than heading out to terrorise the city. We don't hear a word regarding the Order of the Rack's confrontation with him, which is concerning, but it does seem like a good time to make the city even more uncomfortable for any that support him. Getting devoured by overgrown verdure was certainly uncomfortable.

 

Civilla: I do seem to have a tendency to put people into the ground. While they’re still alive.
Ayva: It sends a certain message - “stop f***ing about or we’ll bury you”

 

Terzo’s player: Don’t talk about paving stones around Terzo - he’s heard what happens to some of the souls in Hell.
Civilla’s player: Oh, that won’t happen to us. We’re too high level.

 

Civilla’s player: Drhoz, where do you live?
Terzo’s player: Wellard.
Rajira’s player: Also known as the best suburb for Orks.

 

Now we’ve recovered Jackdaw we have the full set of the original Silver Ravens. And all the lyrics to the Song of Silver, which will turn any weapon used in Kintargo into devil-bane and make it really, really difficult for any such outsiders to dimension-travel into the city. Admittedly the effects only last a week and it needs to be performed in the opera house.

 

Terzo: Hopefully without Rivozair burning the building to the ground with us inside.

 

Civilla: I have a gift for Rajira!
Rajira: Mmm?
Civilla: Since we haven’t been making much actual money from this I've been using my funds efficiently - here’s a Mountebank’s Megaphone. I was thinking of giving it to you or Terzo.

 

Of course one of Civilla’s plans, after the Immortal Coven and the SeeD-style Orphanages,  is funding a bardic college, which should ensure the Song of Silver doesn’t get lost again.

 

GM: I imagine that when you tell him about it Terzo will be vibrating with excitement.
Civilla: Yeah but I’m also using the bard college to distract him from my plans for the orphanages.
Ayva OoC: For some reason I’m thinking of Black Widow.
Civilla OoC: I will neither confirm nor deny the existence of a Red Room program.

 

Between Shensen, Rajira in the upper registers, and Terzo contributing a nice baritone, we really can’t fail to perform the Song of Silver. Unless there are surprises like the aforementioned dragon. 

 

Terzo: I do want a private word with Civilla before we go.
Civilla: *internally* cr** cr** cr** what has he found out?
Terzo: I know we’ve all been very busy since that fracas at the opera house but exactly who is Cizmerkis?
Civilla: Oh, Cizmerkis? He was the contract devil that held the option on Nox’s soul.
Terzo: … … … I know I wasn’t your only tutor, my dear, but I did my best to teach you that you are you own person and can exercise free will - Heaven knows that’s an unpopular opinion in Cheliax - but at what point did I imply that making a deal with a devil with known connections to Barzillai Thrune was a good way to exercise that free will?

 

Civilla confidently claims that the contract she drew up with Cizmerkis was very carefully phrased, and it’s clearly worked out exactly as planned, despite the near disaster at the Opera House. Terzo is nonetheless very pale, but is too well bred to scream at her. 

 

Terzo: I’ll say no more on the matter then. Please don’t do it again
Civilla: I make no promises in that regard but I generally avoid contracts with the lower planes. Most of my contracts are with the higher realms.
Terzo: *mopping his brow* Well, at least we have Bertuscio here now, if we need to consult on legal matters. 
Civilla: Perhaps. I’ve made it this far, and it’s all worked out fine.

 

Terzo waves his former student out and fumbles for a much needed drink.

 

The ritual goes without a hitch, or interruption - probably because the only part of Kintargo still under Thrune’s control is the temple district.

 

Terzo: I can’t say I’m disappointed, but I’m surprised Thrune didn’t realise this was going to happen after he heard Jackdaw had been rescued from the Keep.
Ayva: Does he even know what the Song of Silver is?
Rajira: It's been decades since it was last performed.
Civilla: This is the problem with Redaction - You don’t get to know about it either.

 

A pillar of silver light erupts from the top of the Opera House, visible as far away as Vyre. That probably explains why we promptly have a dragon inbound.

 

GM: You did kinda give your position away.

 

Indeed - the beam of light is over one and a half kilometers in height

 

Civilla OoC: THE AVATAR HAS AWOKEN

 

Civilla attempts to conceal our soft and squishy casters with Invisibility Sphere, Rajira poisons her first crossbow bolt with Wyvernbane, Terzo sings a Song of Good Hope on his friends and fumbles for a bag of mica dust he’s SURE he had in one of his pockets, and most of us curse our lack of good ranged attacks. At least Avya can turn some of us into airborne combatants. 

 

Rivozair strafes us with fire, rather than the lightning we were expecting. Unholy fire. That pentacle carved on her chest wasn’t just for show. Rajira rolls entirely out of the way, fires her crossbow, and misses.

 

Rajira: F***.

 

Civilla Summons a Giant Celestial Octopus. It would seem that even devil-bound dragons have trouble flying when they have a giant cuttlefish choking them out. Terzo follows up with Confusion, but it fizzles. Rivozair’s various natural advantages, enhanced with the powers of Hell, are formidable. And she has an electrical aura. She turns her rage on the flying squid, then Rajira.

 

Civilla: SHADOW EVOCATION ECTOPLASMIC SNARE! *crits*

 

Everybody desperately tries to land a hit while the dragon is Entangled. At least this is all happening on the roof of the Opera House, so she can't burrow away. Hopefully we won’t have to resort to Civilla’s Nuke Them From Orbit option.

 

Civilla: Downwards Geyser! That’s a Conjuration! No spell resistance for you, B***!

 

Civilla: OK, this might work. If she’s stupid. 
Ayva: She agreed to whatever this is.
Civilla: She probably agreed because the Silver Ravens drove her off last time. “Will Devil-binding make me more powerful?’ ‘Yes” “GIMME”.

Terzo: I wonder how confused she is that none of the Silver Ravens are actually here.

 

Shimza hits the dragon with Enervation - which somehow shrinks Rivozair 10ft in size and strips off 3 levels.

 

Ayva: I don't recall THAT from school. Just call it Shrink Ray.
Civilla: PHANTASMAL KILLER.
Rivozair: *rears back in terror of an apparition of the original Silver Ravens and expires of a massive heart attack*

 

Terzo: And we didn’t even need to make that deal with a Coatl.
Civilla: … YOU COULD HAVE REMINDED ME ABOUT THAT EARLIER. INSTEAD YOU HAD TO TELL ME OFF FOR MAKING DEALS WITH DEVILS. WHEN I GREW UP IN CHELIAX. Well, Ravounel. Same difference. I’M AWARE OF THE DANGERS.

 

Taking down Rivozair when we were completely ill-prepared (and she still had 100 hit points left) was nonetheless quite the achievement. Some of us have been playing D&D etc for decades, and this is the first time we’ve seen Phantasmal Killer actually work.

 

Terzo: Perhaps we can do a pamphlet, with woodcuts, of the scene.
Civilla: NO. PEOPLE MIGHT EXPECT US TO DO IT AGAIN. *ranting to herself a bit* I just scared a dragon to death.

Rajira: I don’t know about you but I’m going to suggest taking Rivozair’s head and using it as a banner. 

 

And Thrune has just lost his most powerful ally, and his control of Kintargo collapses to zero. 
 

[Drhoz]

Pathfinder : Chronicles of Selversgard

 

5th of Desnus, Year 4721 in the Absalom Reckoning

 

It’s been almost a year since we trashed the temple of Zon-Kuthon. Happily, nothing particularly noteworthy has happened over the period, which is a relief to everyone. At least, nothing noteworthy until an otherwise nice late spring day. Arram has been running the budget on properly fortifying Selversgard, or at least building a proper castle to retreat to in the event of Trouble. There’s plenty of ruins in the area we can ransack for shaped stone. On the other hand, he’s probably going to be too busy as Mayor, now Silas of the Green has stepped down from his own stint and the job has cycled around to him. Today’s problem! An entire herd of cattle vanished from their enclosure overnight - the entire corral is trashed and there’s a lot of blood. Arram sends Cerebus to investigate. It’s pretty clear something large crashed through one side of the corral, but the other hole is just as clearly burned.

 

Cerebus: Did we take care of that dragon?
Gonno: No.
Kernel: It ran away.
Gonno: I think we have a suspect.

 

On the other hand, the tracks he finds definitely aren’t dragon tracks. One set ends at a mound of loose dirt.

 

Cerebus: Arram?
Arram: Yeah?
Cerebus: Go get the poking stick. And the others.

 

The mound is a filled-in burrow. For something either Large or Huge. Certainly big enough to be carrying a cow.

 

Gonno: … anybody know whether Remorhaz burrow?

 

They do, but there are also a dozen other tracks leading off into the woods, of comparable size. We’re probably fortunate that whatever they are started with the cattle, rather than, say, the villagers.

 

Arram: Anything big enough to carry off an entire cow by itself is going to be hungry again soon. 

 

Whatever they are, they have six legs. Burrowing hexapods of that size are pretty rare, and if the burns were acid rather than fire we might have an infestation of Ankhegs. This is a problem - Ankhegs burrow almost as fast as they walk, and they fill in their tunnels behind them. And, of course, they’re huge carnivorous monsters. With Darkvision and Tremorsense. We go to consult Silas - who isn’t home. Cerebus tracks him down by scent, but he is not exactly pleased to be interrupted in his important druidly pastimes. Said pastime being local Miss Graham.

 

Cerebus: “*snuffle sniff* Ah, he’s off that wa– Actually.. Uhh.. give it 10 minutes.
Kernel: Why 10?
Cerebus: *sniff* ….Make it 20.

 

Happily a bottle of wine cheers him up again. We get an idea of what to look for and go looking for an Ankheg hive. Lucky us. Kernel DOES have a Catapult Token, and can produce magical meat as bait, but none of us have Proficiency : Siege Weapon. Poisoning them might be our best bet, but what to poison them with?

 

Arram: I’m no alchemist. Fortunately, we know one,
Gonno: Hey, Skave, we need a 40-gallon drum of fentanyl..? 
Skave OoC: Oh, over there in the corner, it’s one of my reagents.

 

Alas, we don’t have anything suitable that would do more than give Ankhegs the munchies. Which is the last thing we want. Instead we use an Unseen Servant to try to lure them out of the hole. It works. Two emerge, look around and don't look impressed. They’re presumably even more unimpressed after Arram immolates them. 

 

Gonno: Well, that leaves at least 9 more.
Arram: Which we will have to deal with the hard way.

 

Given the remains at the bottom of the hole, it’s pretty obvious we’re not getting the cows back. And the tunnels, such as they are, are earth on every side. 

 

Gonno: We could be attacked from literally any angle in here.
Arram: Hence why I said “The Hard Way.”

 

Passing by a foul puddle of water, we encounter another Ankheg, sleeping. Well, it was sleeping, anyway.

 

Gonno OoC: Aaand I reflexively Rage. I love that Racial Ability.
Kernel OoC: You like Reflexively Lowering your AC? It’s a good thing I built you armor that gets tougher when you rage!
Gonno OoC: And I Thank you for building me equipment that works with my character concept.

 

The first Ankheg is awake, but not for long.

 

Gonno: It’s taking a long nap. A Dirt Nap, in fact. Which seems appropriate.
Cerebus OoC: Gonno’s Basically Rockbiter from The Neverending Story Meets Kenshiro at this point…

 

Unfortunately five more promptly come out of the walls. This is about as bad as things could be.

Arram: Well, there’s at least 3 more of the things, so not QUITE as bad as it could be.

 

Gonno punches the first one to death, but Cerebus gets utterly savaged and grappled by the second, as does Arram by the third. Kernel grabs his friends by the ankles, where they’re currently dangling from the monsters’ jaws, and attempts to teleport the three of them to safety with his new Boots of Teleportation. He botches it, but in such a way as to move them further away. Leaving Gonno alone with four Ankhegs that are eyeing him speculatively.

 

Cerebus: Kernel, did you just.. Bamf me?
Kernel: Well, Bamf is more like Dimension Door, but yes.

 

It’s very fortunate the teleportation error didn’t dump them miles away, and that they’re still close enough that Arram can Fireball three of the monsters before they can tear Gonno limb from limb. It’s very unfortunate that Arram just set off an explosion in an earth tunnel. Gonno is now cut off from his friends. And carted off to the rest of the Ankhegs despite his desperate attempts to get free. Arram turns into a bird, and flies through the new hole in the ceiling, heading to the hole we entered through.

Cerebus: Kernel, give Arram the rope so we can climb- ARRAM!

Further splitting the party, Cerebus starts trying to climb over the scorched and partially glazed pile of loose earth from the collapse. Meanwhile, Kernel… Swims through it like a fish.

 

Cerebus: Damned burrowing ability.. *grumble grumble*

 

Gonno applies an admittedly excessive amount of kicks and headbutts to the Ankheg holding him before the others can tear him in half like a christmas cracker. But then Gonno’s internal contents don’t include anything as amusing as terrible jokes or paper hats, so he wasn’t taking any chances. Alas nobody but the Ankhegs get to see the little quartz crystals in his skin light up with piezoelectricity as he uses one of his new monk abilities. Arram arrives in time to finish off the two new Ankhegs before they can finish off Gonno.

 

Then the Queen shows up. Two queens. They’re eight times the size of their offspring. Gonno didn’t know when he was well off. One of them is going after Cerebus, who is still on the other side of the tunnel collapse. Kernel can’t hear him screaming for help because he still has dirt in his ears.

 

Kernel: One of the things you forget when you can burrow and don’t need to breathe is that stuff gets in places.

 

Arram’s attack forces the first Queen to drop Gonno, who staggers off in a superhuman blur around the corner and past Kernel, who is understandably concerned to see the Oread actually running away from something. Unfortunately Gonno is also bleeding from his injuries and if he hadn’t had a healing potion to hand would have passed out before anybody can come to his assistance. Arram is soon to follow, with a much more serious wound.

 

Cerebus: JUST FIREBALL IT!!!!
Kernel: What’s that? Fireball you? Well, OK…

 

Thankfully, none of us are actually dead by the time we finish off the monstrous insects, but it’s a very, VERY close thing. It’s also extremely concerning that Cerebus finds evidence that the Circle of the Ash Wastes deliberately planted the eggs here. We decide to not tell anybody that just yet, in case somebody is trying to implicate the druids falsely. 

 

Gonno: Out of curiosity, what’s the price for Ankheg eggs?
GM: They’re actually quite valuable - or were before Cerebus smashed the rest of them.
Cerebus: Sorry!
Kernel: Are you, though?
Cerebus : Naaah.

 

[JackValhalla]

"Okay, so a giant cyborg war machine abomination bio-design covered in weapon ports just went full Kool-Aid man through the door of this train full of gangsters with a living teddy-bear riding on top of it with bio-abomination tentacles coming out of your hands as a bridle for this beast, just riding on top like a Fremen on a sand worm, and you say?..."

"Ay yo what's up?"

"Got it. Ay yo what's up, that's what it says."

 

"And then the tentacles wipe their faces clear of the slim so they can speak."

"Aaaaaaaah oh my god so grosss aaaaaaah!"

 

"So I want my clown to just crawl into his powered armor with him."

"What?"

"It's got shrinking, stretching, it can slide into the armor with him."

"The nightmare clown? Conjured from the place of fear?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'm gonna.. okay, the game book has an example where you can make a lockpicking check to open a mech suit."

"I don't have lockpicking."

"Untrained check is a nine or less."

"I rolled eight."

*sigh* "so, with a sound like an inflating balloon animal, this nightmare dream-world clown starts to slide into this mech-suit armor with him, just sliding into the armor, pressed up against him inside his own bubble helmet...."

 

"Okay, so he mind-controlled your creature to attack you. And you?"

"Summon another creature to defend me."
"Right before his turn?"

"Yep."

*die rolls*

"He mind controls it."

"Well, in segment 19 I'll summon something even tougher to defend me."

( spoiler this progression did actually work in their favor eventually. They did summon their way out of a villain who was co-opting their summons)

 

"Wait, the guy in the sailor's cap and the wool peacoat with the giant bong was important?"

 

"Oh my god babe I was totally going to rescue you!"

"Yes yes, you are zo brave, my hero, bonjour!"

 

"Oh hell yeah, we're wheelchair accessible!"

 

"We'll take this all the way to the president if we have to!"

"To President Daniel Smithwick?!"

"Who?"

"President Daniel Smithwick. He's president of the United States. Pretty much everyone voted for him. You can't even remember who ran against him."

"Your worldbuilding concerns me."

Edited August 8 by JackValhalla

[Tech]

"You may think you're powerful, but my stove-top turkey has more kick than you do!"